Am i just paranoid??

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

This is a follow up to a previous thread. I asked my dp to leave the other day, we had ongoing issues and hadnt been getting on so well. I know i was wrong and said so but i found he had messaged a single aquaintance at 1am in the morning. I know the woman and she occasionally socialises in our wider circle but he has never been particularly friendly. When i asked why he had messaged her he said he was worried about her because of her fb. I said okay will what was it. What couldn't wait for the following day and made you message at that time. The response i got was non of your business. He wouldn't budge so i think it was the straw the bride the camels back and out he went. He now blames me, says im paranoid, it was nothing but i just keep thinking why 1am in the morning,. What would have happened if she had replied, isnt this how things start? If i knew she was a good friendthen fair enough but she isnt. He has been really angry since i just dont know whether i did over react.

I’ve been on the other side of this (the woman who he messaged) and was my friend just messaging me. He was a close friend for 12 years and then boom, I got caught up in such a mess. I was blamed for the break up and everything. It still annoys me today. I wouldn’t even mind but the message wasn’t anything suggestive just a “how are you doing?” It wasn’t irregular to just send one off messages at anytime about nothing.

He has lots of friends who i wouldnt have batted an eyelid if he has messaged them. I guess it's that he hasnt ever seemed particularly friendly or close when weve been in her company before. And if he had said oh she put that she was feeling down and desperately needed a friend or something i could understand. But its non of your business was just off

I get what you’re saying Nodrama but OP has said that her DP and the ‘OW’ aren’t close friends - more aquaintencies - this makes a difference IMO.

There is no excuse to message another woman at 1 in the morning. If he was 'worried about her' he could have called an ambulance/police (if relevant). Or he could have said to you and you could have contacted her if deemed necessary. Though im sure she had closer friends than you two to worry about her. He was up to something and don't let him convince you otherwise. Don't take him back and don't let him make you second guess yourself.

That's what i keep thinking, he just keeps saying there was nothing in it and that how dare i accuse him etc etc. But without a resonable explanation of what was so desperate at that time what am i meant to think. But he is accepting no responsibility and has turned it round onto me

Yeh, that's what shitty ppl do. Actually it is gaslighting.

You have every right to know why your partner is texting a strange women at 1am. You also have every right to feel upset with him for doing it and not providing a reason why.

It is never ok for someone to tell you you have no right to feel upset about shaudy treatment of you. It is never ok for someone to behave badly and make you out to be the one with issues for pulling them up on their bad behaviour.

Normal human beings with clean consciences don't gaslight either. It isn't ok or excusable and if he's doing it now, he'll do it in future.

I'd be saying 'cheerio, don't let the door hit you on the way out'.

Trust your gut x

We havent been getting on so maybe it was for attention I would rather him have just been honest. Even that would have been better

I've been struggling with confidence as we have no sex life, he knows i struggle with it. Ive been feeling completely unattractive and typically this woman is younger, pretty, with an amazing figure who shows it off on her fb profile pics. I don't blame her but out doesnt make it any easier

Yeh... I mean even if he had said 'im sorry, I had a good reason for texting her but I get that it doesn't seem appropriate so im sorry and I wont do it again'. But the fact that he is trying to say it was ok behaviour and you were the one with the problem, is NOT ok.

..yeh it's like he's playing up your insecurities :(

I say ditch him and go for a long sunny holiday! Bet your self esteem will sky rocket lol.

Don't feel the need to answer this if it is too prying...but is the no sex life largely his doing? Like he just doesn't seem interested? OR makes you feel unattractive so you don't feel interested? (I only ask because many covert narcissists lose interest in sex...with women they've already 'obtained', and sex -or the lack of it- is just a control thing. And because narcissists are prone to gaslighting behaviour, I can't help but wonder). Anyway, probably thinking too much into it!

Its him, he never initiates at all. Ive cried tried to explain etc but he said because of past experiences he just couldn't initiate. I have tried to understand and go with it but it's been difficult. I had on my told him on the afternoon i was struggling with my confidence that day and on the evening he did that.

Yeh, like a kicking you when you are down sort of behaviour... :/

I mean I'm not qualified to diagnose lol, especially based on a little info... but I've been through these sorts of things myself and I know about 'those sorts'… and the wee red flag was just waving with some of the things you were saying. Like it sounds very familiar. Not to say there couldn't be something totally different going on.

Either way, the treatment is ok. You deserve better. He seems to be the one with the issues. Don't let him drag you down!

*isn't

Yes it’s usually as well someone attractive

Thank you, i know your right he just makes me question myself

I know user, amazing how they dont fewl the need to message everyone

Everyone who's a bit down that should have said

Yeah was totally a ploy to make you feel worse about yourself. What a jerk.

Whenever a partner says " you're being paranoid " then they certainly are having or intending to having an affair. Trust your gut OP!

Exactly the advise id be telling someonw else mumsy..

I'd have been suspicious too and if it's so innocent then he could have given the reason no problem

"She's going through X difficulty and I was telling her y"

At this point you STILL haven't been given a reason for his doing this even though you've ended the relationship, if he cared for you he'd be doing all he could to reassure you even if he genuinely thought you were "paranoid"

Also that gets my hackles up anyway as my ex accused me of that for months - while carrying on an affair with a supposed friend!

I know, id probably still think it was weird as they've never seemed close enough to have that conversation but i could at least start to make sense of it. I just find being told its non of my business insulting.