Those of you who have read "Not Just Friends"...

[NewFoneWhoDis]

Can you tell me a bit more about it - and what was the best way that it helped you, if it did?

A friend of mine uncovered her husband's affair in the last few days and is utterly blindsided and in tremendous pain right now and trying so hard to understand the Why of it all. She's feeling like it's an early mid life crisis or a mental health episode so really stretching to give him the benefit of the doubt. The dickhead is my relative to complicate matters. And "he doesn't know what he wants" at the moment. waiting to see if OW will leave her relationship.

I feel she would not read a full on LTB type book as she's not at that stage emotionally yet (which is why I've also not yet suggested she start a thread here) but I don't feel it's helpful for her to steer her towards a book that's full on Save-The-Marriage either. Something a bit more neutral would be best initially then I can send her on here. So, is this book a good start? Or are there other ones out there that I could recommend to her?

I don't think Not Just Friends would be particularly helpful as it's too early in the discovery stage for her.
I found the surviving infidelity website really helpful at this point, especially about doing the 180 which is a detachment method.
Her instincts may be to do the "pick me" dance but that's the worst thing you can do in this scenario. I found the scorched earth approach the best and helped me take my power back.

For you, it would be best to just listen to her and be there. At this point it's just about getting through the next minute.

I've had it a few months and read maybe a third of it.
I'm usually a good reader but finding it a bit hard going.
It doesn't read as LTB , at least not at the moment.

Affairs are usually symptoms of other underlying problems.

It's nothing like it's portrayed in he movies.

Support your friend.
And when she gets to the point of 'enough is enough '
Then this is the point things stated to work out.

But it's a bumpy road till then.

I didn't like this book at all and felt it made excuses for cheaters.

Thank you. The reviews from Amazon were very mixed so I'm really glad that I got your feedback. I trust you guys

I do think they are in the pick-me stage at the moment so I'll point her in the direction of that website. If she wants to read the book once her head is clearer down the line I'm happy to buy it for her.

I've been listening to her, without judgement or telling her what to do, the numerous threads on here have helped.

Personally I think forums are better than books because it's vital that people realise this all plays out in a very predictable script talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

I felt the book would be ideal for the cheater to read who wanted to deny responsibility. The author suggests it's very easy to slip from friends into an affair without realising. But they realise enough to hide it of course.

I found the book very good. We both read it within the first month. It's not strong on either side, more an explanation of how easily boundaries slip with ease of phones and private messaging etc. However I would think it wouldn't help much if it was a long term affair that had reached a point of separation. It seems to read more for the person who really regrets the affair and how to make things right with the betrayed party. Possibly more geared towards EAs?

I think it's more geared towards emotional affairs OP. It sounds as if your relative's situation has gone beyond that, if he's seriously considering making a life with OW.

You'd be better off gently steering the wife in the direction of a solicitor so that she knows what her legal and financial positions are. She can then make some informed decisions.

Be careful though. Don't get too involved, for your own sake, given you're linked to both of them.

I got the feeling that the book explained and excused rather a lot on the part of the affair spouse, and she's already doing enough of that on her own without further help.

It's gone way beyond an EA. There's proof of several sexual liaisons. And tbh, my gut is telling me that while he's claiming that part was recent, there are other small things that in hindsight may point to a longer affair than the time-frame that my relative is claiming.

But I do have to tread carefully. I know that if the marriage does not work out and I've been outspoken about it then I can see that I would be blamed for influencing the outcome. I'll point her in the direction of that surviving infidelity website. It seems to be exactly what she needs at this point. Gentle but lots of brilliant advice. When she's a bit further along I'll suggest Mumsnet.

She is fortunate that their circumstances mean it would be a straightforward divorce. None of his family would entertain him dicking her about in a divorce should she request one anyway, but there's nothing for him to try to wrangle with her over. .