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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help ExP said he’ll take DD and not return her

27 replies

Newmummy20181 · 12/02/2019 10:08

HELP, now exP is saying he will take DD and not return her as he has PR! Now so worried about leaving DD alone with him, for obvious reasons but also because she is EBF and refuses the bottle. She is only 17 weeks and he hasn’t been hands on at all... opting to leave her alone in a double bed after she started rolling to go and watch tv.

But I don’t want to stop him from seeing her, she deserves to have her daddy around too.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 10:16

You need a solicitor and a residency order in place before he sees her.
Him seeing her should not be at the expense of your mh.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 12/02/2019 10:22

I’m sorry, so he has said he would take your DD and keep her even though she’s EBF... . He would essentially starve a a four month old baby, because he has PR!

He sounds awful and after the bed incident, I wouldn’t let him have any unsupervised time alone.

theworldistoosmall · 12/02/2019 10:23

You need to get legal advice.
He is right, he can take her and not return her, and would have to go to court to get her back.

Doyoumind · 12/02/2019 10:26

Don't be pressurised into unsupervised contact. She is very young for that anyway and a court would only offer him limited contact. Make sure you have written proof of his threat as a reason not to allow unsupervised contact and let him look into his options from a legal perspective. Don't be bullied.

Confused2009 · 12/02/2019 10:35

He is clearly a risk to her safety, dont allow him ot have her and get a solicitor.

Original poster

Newmummy20181 · 12/02/2019 10:36

Pretty much, said she is HIS and he can do what he likes and the she’ll get to a point of been so hungry she’ll have no choice but to take the bottle!

I think you all are right, see if I can get it in writing and then no unsupervised visits! The man is a bully it’s why I left him in the first place, said he could see her whenever he wanted and now he has turned nasty :(

OP posts:

WineAndTiramisu · 12/02/2019 11:07

I'm not sure he going to write down his threats, that would be unlikely. I'd record him though, you'll need all the evidence you can get if this goes to court

Doyoumind · 12/02/2019 11:13

You need to email him saying you can't allow unsupervised contact because of his threat and detail that threat. That way it's recorded and if he doesn't deny it in writing it shows his intent.

Babynut1 · 12/02/2019 11:32

Yes I agree with the others.
Stop contact altogether for now and email him saying that given his recent threat to take the baby and not return her, You have concerns that he does not have his child’s best interests at heart. Reiterate that currently as she is breastfed, you are her only source of food and that you are concerned that he feels it is in his daughters best interests to take her away from her mother.
As such you have no option than to stop access until a residency order or whatever it’s called is in place.

endofthelinefinally · 12/02/2019 11:34

Doyoumind is exactly right.
Do it now.
Does he have access to your home?
Are you somewhere safe and secure for now?
Leaving her hungry until she is "forced to take a bottle" is abusive.
Talk to your health visitor asap.

GirlOnIt · 12/02/2019 12:28

I'd stop contact too as stated by a previous poster. See a solicitor and get a court order to say she lives with you.

The police can and will act in cases of very young breast fed babies though even if both parents have parental rights. So he's not actually right that he can just take her.

Confused2009 · 12/02/2019 14:00

Yes I'll second talking to your health visitor, the bes tthing you can do right now is let as many "official" people know as possible so they can back you up with any court orders etc.

colourrunruinedmyhair · 12/02/2019 14:03

Who’s surname does she have op? Is he on the birth certificate? If he isn’t on the birth certificate and hasn’t gone to court for parental responsibility he has non.
You need to see a solicitor ASAP and get a court order for contact arrangements.

Ribbonsonabox · 12/02/2019 14:09

Stop contact and let him take it to court. I know you dont want to but he has just proven to you he does not have his daughters best interests at heart.. he is using her to upset you. Dont allow your tiny baby to be used as a weapon. If he wants access he should go through the court and get it all written down. That way you will not have to fear him not bringing her back.
You also have pr and so also have a right to keep her.
I'd be letting him go to court for access personally so that he has to show he can care for the child and actually wants to see her not just use her to abuse you.
Please stay strong. Your daughter doesn't just deserve a relationship with her father she deserves a relationship where she is not put in danger or used to emotionally abuse her mother.

Ribbonsonabox · 12/02/2019 14:10

And I agree with pp about sending him the email stopping contact and detailing the threat he has made. So you have a copy in writing of what is going on.

Original poster

Newmummy20181 · 12/02/2019 14:15

Thank you all.

He is in the birth certificate and has his surname, flat out refused to double barrel her name.

Currently at my mums with my two sisters, which thankfully my mum is a psychiatric nurse and sisters police officers however they weren’t sure on how much the police could do as he does have PR!

I’m going to now only contact him via text or email and mention his threats and say because of it they’ll be supervised visits. Ill also seek legal advice and see if I can get a residency order in place to protect DD. As much as I want her to have a good relationship with her dad if he isn’t going to put her needs first and ensure she is safe then that won’t happen. Very sad I feel bad for my bubba :( I know I shouldn’t feel bad as it isn’t me doing anything wrong but because I just want to protect her and ensure she has the best

OP posts:

UserUser123 · 12/02/2019 14:20

I would...

Make sure you and your daughter are somewhere safe where he has no access to either of you.
Send the email as PP’s have said.
Contact your health visitor and explain the situation to her.
Stop contact all together.

If it were me, I’d also call 101 and explain you have an abusive ex partner who is threatening to take your baby. That way it’s documented by the police too.

He sounds pretty unhinged and I wouldn’t want my baby anywhere near him. You’ll only worry yourself sick of you continue to let him have contact. I’d defiantly say it’s in your daughters best interests not to have contact, considering the threats he’s been making.

UserUser123 · 12/02/2019 14:22

*definitely

Hanab · 12/02/2019 14:30

PR - permanent residency?
He used you to get PR didnt he ..
Oh How I despise people who do this!

Keep your kid safe lady. Get a her passport yourself and keep it hidden. Make sure you have ALL legal documents and get whatever you need in place to keep your bundle of joy safe & sound.

🌷

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 14:39

PR- parental responsibility. Gained from being named on the birth certificate.

OdeToDiazepam · 12/02/2019 17:48

Speak to women's aid

OdeToDiazepam · 12/02/2019 17:51

Op this happened to me.

After a cock up by the police and me being young and naive, my son ended up with my ex partner at about 12 weeks old and he said to me I'd have to go to court if I ever wanted to see my son again

Well I did go to court. With the help of women's aid I got the emergency Injunctions and residency order I needed in a DAY and then had police and court bailiffs to go to his house and return my son to me.

Original poster

Newmummy20181 · 12/02/2019 18:38

@OdeToDiazepam, thank you for this info I’m just going to say supervised contact because of the threat and also because I’m worried about her welfare when she is with him. Just worries me that if he is left with her for even a moment that he’ll be in the car gone or that he will get unsupervised contact and just not return her. To be quite honest I’d be surprised if a court granted unsupervised contact at the moment as he hasn’t ever been alone with her (couldn’t even deal with her crying, by crying I just mean the little moans they have when grumpy). But I know for a fact he’d have no problems taking her and leaving her in a room to cry it out.

So supervised it is, if he wants to take me to court so be it and I’ll show the messages - and now I know to contact woman’s aid if somehow he managed to take her.

Just can’t be too careful, she is my baby girl.. I can’t have anyone willing to let her starve and become so distressed, father or not

OP posts:

OdeToDiazepam · 12/02/2019 18:54

Just to say as well, same ex and I'm in my second year of court cases dealing with the issue of contact

It's not so easy as just saying supervised contact (also it sounds as if you mean without a court order? Who's going to be supervising?)

If I was you I'd be prepared for this to go to court and for that you need to start getting evidence of what's happening.

Keep a diary of his threats, behaviour and messages. ANY kind of harassment, intimidation, threatening behaviour or worse, log it with the police.

This kind of thing, especially the diary, is essential for if it goes to court and you then rely on this for the reason you're asking for supervised contact

OdeToDiazepam · 12/02/2019 18:55

Also good to speak to HV about your cocerno

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