I'm going to ask for advice here because I'm at the end of my tether but still holding hope that things might improve
I have been married to my partner for about 14 years now, most of its been happy but after we had kids my partner changed a lot
its started as fairly small things like the fact that we seemed to disagree more even on the most basic of things, things that we might have disagreed on in the past went from "ok lets look it up and find out" to "oh look my partners gone off in a mood" - and that was simply because they wanted me to accept that Africa was a country, not a continent
before we had kids we had a fairly neat house, but that went down the pan, I understand kids do that but this isn't general kids mess its things like I'm the only one vacuuming most of the time, or if the kids finish eating something and put the bowl down its quite often left there until I go around and fetch it. my partner has decided that they "no longer have time to clean" as they are too busy
fair enough we both work, i leave the house at 5 in the morning and don't get back til gone six in the evening, but I do as much as I can around that, my partner works from 9 until midday, after that they do the school run at three, between midday and the school run they usually either go around to their parents or take their parents out for a meal - this is every weekday, I can't understand how they can leave the house in a state and still happily go out leaving it for me to do on a day off
the other issue is the weekends, I keep thinking that at least we could have family time at the weekends, we both have them off so it would be a good time to have a day out or even a walk - instead they have friends up every Saturday, this usually involves them coming up before midday, my friends partner usually goes to sleep in a chair, my partner and the friend than go out effectively leaving me in charge of 5 kids (ours and theirs) they then get back about 3/4 and sit talking and watching tv until about 7/8 when they leave - and leave me to clean up after them and their kids
sunday my partner has their parents up for lunch, they arrive about 9/10 I have to go shopping with my partners dad as they worry about him being out on his own I get back about midday, have lunch, then it goes back to tv and talking, until my partner takes them back about 3ish leaving me to get our kids into the bath
the other issue I have had is they have got insanely jealous, I have effectively been banned from talking to everyone I ever called a friend, its never been called a ban but a case of if I've talked to someone it comes down to having to answer questions about everything said, or in some cases simply being told "you know I don't like them they make my blood boil" - some of these people I've known since being about seven
one of the other things is their whims, if I have something i want to do its always a case of "we dont have the money" or "we dont have the time" if they want something done it has to be done instantly or if I disagree the pressure starts being ramped up, they decided a while ago they wanted a dog, promised to do all the training, all the cleaning - I said no, this wasnt because I wanted to disagree but because we didnt have time to walk it, and my partner has a past history of simply giving in on any work needed with a pet so I have to do it all - this brought on 6 months of daily complaining about it, when their friends came down at a weekend my partner got them to complain about it as well - eventually I caved in simply on the basis of not being able to take the complaining anymore - and started looking in shelters - only for my partner to put over a thousand on a pedagree dog from a breeder - fast forward a year and their not picking up the poo, it's tearing the house apart, theyve stopped walking it and ive had enough, the dogs ok but I cant cope working the hours I do and trying to do all this as well, or coming home to the laminate being torn up and the partner just going "it needed changing anyway"
last year I had enough, I straight out told my partner that I was thinking about getting a divorce, immediately there were promises to change, promises to have more time as a family, promises on the cleaning - and for a while, it was better. that was until about 3 weeks ago, everyone in the house was ill - fair enough everything dropped a bit then - but coming out the other side of it my partner seems to have gone back to same old - I've been snapped at, the only cleaning done has been me - friends have been up every weekend again, parents as well - I walked in the other night to find a new hole in the laminate (partner not bothered), dog hair all over the carpet (apparently not vacuumed as it "just happens again"), a blocked toilet where the friends kids had blocked it, not told anyone and kept using it (the only response was "that's disgusting" then left me to clean it) - i have loads of repairs to do around the house that I don't get time to do
I have to mention the swearing, when I first met my partner they never swore at all, now its literally every sentence, quite often more than once in the sentence. if she hands someone something its not even thank you or goodbye its always "now F off". the worst is when driving they will often rev up and zip past someone or cut them off then start with the "did you see what that C tried to do, what a F W***" its not a good environment for the kids at all
money has always been a bit of a sticking point, i pay every bill in the house and have done for the entire time we've lived together, recently they have helped out with food bills but only for the last week of each month which is the one that with rising costs i just haven't been able to cover lately - and this gets complained about, my partner gets the tax credits, their wages and a few other bits which means they actually get in more than me in total - despite this they seem constantly out of money, they have about £250 each Friday, yet is often complaining about being out of money by Tuesday/wens , admittedly this at the moment is due to saving for a holiday but quite often more seems to come out of that account than in as they dip in for "bits they need"
i've talked with my parents, they're generally supportive If i wanted to leave but would rather i wait until the kids are older, until recently i went along with this but im feeling like im getting to the point where despite loving the kids to pieces i just cant keep it up much longer, i nearly walked out the other night, just straight out it wasnt even anything major my partner basically seemed to have a grump on about the fact there had been no sex that night because i was tired and basically kepts grumping each time i dozed off, eventually i got up and walked out of the room at which point they simply followed and wanted to know if i was coming back to bed
while id love to wait until their older i don't think i can keep this up that long, its already had me on the verge of just walking out several times, i don't really want to do that to the kids, but i get the feeling she will get vindictive and try to restrict access to the kids
i know this is only my side of it, and i know i probably have quirks that annoy but i do try to keep those down.
i know its probably unusual for a dad to ask for advice here but there isnt really a dadsnet and to be honest i really think i would get unsuitable advice or mocking from it
any advice is welcome