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Original poster

Can yoga and cbt really change a person?

29 replies

MoonshineWashingLine · 12/02/2019 08:18

My partner is having cbt and has been doing yoga every day for a month. While he seems to be generally a bit less stressed, it has not had a noticeable effect on how he treats me or dd1. If anything he seems more self absorbed than he was before! There is a lot of a back story to this and I have posted about him before (will try and find a link) but I would really like to know if anyone has actually experienced someone who is a potential narcissist changing their character for the better.
Rightly or wrongly (probably wrongly) I decided to give him a chance to change his ways. Partly because I never gave my ex a chance to get therapy etc and he seems to be a lot better now, although he isn't a narc and it was a totally different situation. And also partly because I had no idea how I'd manage on my own.
Something that was said on one of the yoga videos really resonated with me, it's was regarding accepting yourself and others. I'm not sure if he has accepted or ever will accept who he is or who my daughter is (she's ASD). I know it's only been a month so I'm willing to wait longer to see results but I'm worried all this will be futile. He still upsets my daughter and quite frankly I'm bloody sick of it.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/02/2019 09:09

How long are you going to wait to see results? Yoga doesn't make an arsehole not an arsehole anymore

HappyLife21 · 12/02/2019 11:13

I do yoga regularly and I can’t say it’s changed me.

Racecardriver · 12/02/2019 11:17

Well it depends on what the problem is. If someone is fat or inflexible yoga can help with that. If it’s a behavioural issue then CBT may help to manage it. If he has a personality disorder he is highly unlikely to ever be rid of it. It takes years and years of intensive therapy to work to personality issues. Usually doesn’t work.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2019 11:19

Sounds like you made a mistake staying with him.

Sounds like he is a difficult, self absorbed person (at best) and because he is like this is being self absorbed about yoga and CBT!

noego · 12/02/2019 11:30

Yoga in itself will not make any difference to personality traits.

CBT might in the very, very long term. They have to be aware of those Narc traits to be able to change them. If they aren't then there is no hope. The behaviour is habitual.
Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2019 11:36

Sounds like you made a mistake in staying with him at all.

He still upsets your DD: that alone should be enough to make you want to start a new life for yourself and her without this self absorbed man in it. Narcissists do not change, its an untreatable personality disorder and not one that either yoga or CBT will at all address.

You can and will manage without him.

Always1700 · 12/02/2019 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Robin2323 · 12/02/2019 13:31

How long since he did his CBT?

A course usually last 7 or 8 weeks and then it's a case of applying the exercises daily.

I found it worked very well.

Yoga too.

LIZS · 12/02/2019 13:35

Is the yoga a class or him following something online? Tbh I am doubtful that it alone will genuinely change his mindset or underlying personality flaws. Any breathing or strategies he may practice have to be consciously adopted in rl to be effective and change his reactions.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 13/02/2019 15:11

Thanks for the replies. His cbt is only on the second session. I'm thinking/hoping the yoga might eventually lead him to see himself as he is and make changes as a lot of it is about acceptance and awareness etc. Although so far he is just doing YouTube videos. I am also wondering if he's a lost cause though. :/

OP posts:
LIZS · 13/02/2019 15:24

Sorry but I doubt online yoga will change his mindset.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 13/02/2019 16:11

He is really throwing himself in to it, the woman who does the videos also seems to be genuinely very knowledgeable and has a huge following. I've never seen him be this passionate and dedicated to anything apart from music (performing) and even that has waned lately. A good friend keeps saying "well at least he's trying" which he is but I'm not sure if the damage done is reversible.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2019 16:20

Your good friend does not have to live with him however. The man you write of here is a lost cause. If he is indeed a narcissist in terms of personality too its not possible to have a relationship with such a person. Neither online yoga or CBT for that matter (narcissists as well do not do very well at all in therapy and something like CBT too is not going to cut the mustard at all here) will have any long term effect on his overall personality.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2019 16:21

And what are you getting out of this relationship now that for you is still worth clinging onto?. Whats your payoff for being with him here?

Loseitandkeepitlost · 13/02/2019 16:25

I wouldn’t allow him to upset your daughter any longer. You can separate temporarily whilst he works on himself and then re establish your relationship if it is what you both want once he is able to treat her properly.

I think yoga has many benefits, but it isn’t a cure for being an arse.

PatriciaHolm · 13/02/2019 16:28

All yoga will do is help him see his own arse, not sure him of being one.

another20 · 13/02/2019 22:50

I agree with Patricia he should soon be able to see his own arse and as a narcissist the sun shining out of it.

Don’t facilitate this man upsetting your DC for another minute.

AngelaStorm73 · 13/02/2019 23:28

CBT and yoga are not the treatment for narcissism.
I'm not sure there is one that's effective, but intensive psychotherapy might help! Also learning empathy (if it doesn't come naturally).
So he should be reading about and learning about ASD and spending time with your DD.
And being nice to people.

CBT and yoga are both solitary self-improvement type endeavours, I can't imagine them helping. Unless he is also depressed/anxious and physically inflexible.
I know they work wonderfully for some people but this is a case of the wrong treatment for the ailment.

Original poster
MoonshineWashingLine · 16/02/2019 22:25

Thanks, yes I am wondering if the yoga is in fact just some other way to prove to himself and others how great he is. He keeps checking himself out in the mirror to 'see how much weight he still needs to lose'. I mean, the purpose of it is beneficial to his health and well-being but I've not seen a huge amount of difference in personality. Apart from he did actually ask me how an interview went for me the other day. This never happens. He never enquires how anything goes for me. He just talks about himself constantly, so I'm very surprised he even asked, although it could just be because it will affect cash flow (he obsesses about money). Plus he bought me a couple of nice things for valentines day, which he also never does.
Part of the reason I gave him this chance is because of my ill health. I have a disability and I'm also having a lot of investigations at the moment for various things and it's quite a stressful time. I may even lose my job soon due to ill health. I need stability for my family at the moment, which we currently have. I find it hard to cope on my bad days and have very little other help. He does do a lot round the house and split school pick ups half and half. I have told him however, that he must back off my dd1 as the way he talks to her is unacceptable. He did improve for a few mo ths after we nearly split up last year but his shitty behaviour is creeping back in. I'm also concerned he will start talking to dd2 in this manner. He seems to have no clue how to discipline children, which is bizarre as he's a teacher. You'd think he'd know better but apparently not. He seems to lack empathy and understanding to the point where I'm beginning to wonder if he's on the spectrum as well as my dd1!

OP posts:
Magickl · 16/02/2019 22:38

I do a lot of yoga and I've found it helped me to be kinder to myself and more accepting of what I saw as flaws. It definitely hasn't made me want to change my personality.
I've met quite a few self-absorbed arseholes in yoga classes, some of them teachers who've been practicing for decades.

PsychedelicSheep · 16/02/2019 22:42

I was just coming on to say there are plenty of narcissistic yogis about!

OP you sound like you're desperately scrabbling around for hope that he'll change. I really don't think he's going to though.

nicenewdusters · 16/02/2019 22:49

Narcissist is a term widely used these days but in it's true form is actually quite rare. An individual with a genuinely narcissistic personality is incredibly difficult to treat therapeutically. A long course of psychoanalytic type therapy would possibly be of some benefit.

CBT looks at cognitions, automatic negative thoughts, that type of thing. In it's pure form it doesn't address the underlying psychological issues. You wouldn't see much benefit after only a handful of sessions. It takes time to work towards goals, challenge the negative thoughts etc.

If you were talking about somebody with anxiety issues, low mood, etc, then CBT and yoga might go some way towards addressing these areas. Your partner's situation sounds way beyond this.

CatinMyLap · 17/02/2019 08:26

I know farrrrr to many narcissistic yogis it’s become a running joke between me and friends!

Your partner is on his SECOND session of CBT? This is the honeymoon! No time at all!

You’re being far to premature to even consider that anything has made a change .

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/02/2019 08:35

Why are you worried about being on your own OP? It sounds a lot more appealing than being with the arsehole.

musicalfruit123 · 17/02/2019 08:51

Reading this made me feel really sad. OP you must be very low in confidence to want to just stick it out with a man who upsets your DD. Anyone who effects your kids in that way should be out at the first strike. Understandably this may be difficult given your current circumstances but believe others who have said that you will be far better off and a happier family without him!

I have an ex who had narcissistic traits, he has had years worth of various types of psychotherapy and only in the last year or 2 have we seen real change. In the early days he would act as if he was a new man but it was all a farce and having therapy in addition to finding a ‘spiritual path’ was just another tool he used to manipulate and stroke his own ego. CBT is mostly used for treating mild depression and anxiety and is very unlikely to have any effect on changing a man like your DP.

My advice would to be to cut your losses now, it will empower you and lead to a better life for you and your DDs.