Where do we go from here?

[chickensaresafehere]

Dh & I have been together for 15 years. I have dd1 from my first marriage,she's 19.Dh has 2 boys,from first marriage,they are 18&20. We have a dd,who is 11 & has a rare chromosome disorder. I am her full time carer,have been for the past 11 years,she is severely disabled (non verbal,learning disability,doubly incontinent).

Dd1 got on well when she was child,but once she hit her teenage years their relationship was up & down. It is now not good at all,with them constantly bickering. It's very wearing as I am in the middle.
I feel though,because I haven't had a long term full time job (had a few part time ones)she has always had me around & as a result,I realise now,I have done too much for her & she doesn't help much around the house. This has resulted in her & dh falling out constantly. I totally understand that I am at fault with this,but the damage is done.

I am currently going through the menopause,which I am struggling with. Libido has disappeared,hormones all over the place. Dh & I used to have a good sex life but it's stopped now,but we are still affectionate & he is understanding about it.

I have suffered bouts of anxiety & depression in the past but this has been (I feel) successfully treated with CBT &,more recently hypnotherapy. I do not feel at all depressed.

I feel as if it am at a crossroads in my life.
Would I be better on my own (obviously with dd2)? No pressure from the bickering,no trying to be a peacekeeper,no trying to keep everyone happy. Just me & dd2.
Don't get me wrong I do love dh,very much so,but I feel completely worn down by it all.

I meant dd1 & dh got on well,when she was a child.

Sound tough OP but if it's any consolation, my DD and H were the same and he is her bio dad. It did wear me down though- he would moan constantly about her laziness but then do everything for her so he enabled it. We are now separated so I don't have useful advice but understand where you are coming from.

To be honest. I don't think the fact that he's her step dad plays any part in this.
He's always treated her as his daughter & he has been in her life for 15 years.

Sorry - didn't mean it come across as if he didn't. I guess I was trying to say it's fairly common for relationships to go through phases like this during the teen years.

Ahàts the point in getting rid of the one person in your life who's on your side, and is a help and support? You've allowed dd1 to turn into a lazy, entitled, pain in the bum.
Maybe DH is the only one who has got the energy to try to change things for the better. Tell her if she doesn't sort herself out, she'll have to go - you've got dd2 wo needs all your time and attention. (Not saying that you would follow it through but she needs to know that the world doesn't revolve around her!)

It's ok 2019, I didn't mean it like that,but I wondered if some would think it was because he was not her bio dad.

You're right Single .
I know I've fucked up.
I suppose I'm scared of her leaving & never speaking to me again & saying I chose dh over her. But those are ridiculous insecurities,that I know I have & have to deal with.

DD1 will hopefully be out of home in the next year or two.
You need to sit her down with the other 2 grown up kids and call a house meeting with DH.
Explain that as they are now adults they will have to assume adult responsibilities.
Make them responsible for their own washing and rooms.
Draw up a chore chart sharing cooking and cleaning amongst the adults in the house.
Explain that Mum is not the default person. If they can’t meet their responsibilities then they need to swap jobs or cooking.
Also, if they work, think about charging board.
Our chore chart is referred to every night, mainly by DH as he always forgets what jobs are his on what night.
Mine did try to dump cooking on to me when they wanted to go out on their cooking night, but I pushed back and told them to swap with someone. No longer get those calls.