I don’t know if I want to see my parents anymore

[Poiuy123]

I’m looking for some advice as I don’t know what to do. My baby is 6 weeks old, this is my 1st child.. I decided when I was half way through my pregnancy that I wanted to move 100m away from my parents (where my partner is from), not just because we are financially more better but because my mum was really getting on my nerves and I just needed to get away and have a fresh start.
My parents have just been to visit on the weekend and its just left me feeling stressed and upset. My mum kept saying I’m spoiling her and other stuff and I can barely look at my dad anymore, I keep having flashbacks from when I was younger of bad things, for example my dads angry voice telling me of, a loud bang from the next room and then hearing my brother screaming, my mum turning on me for no reason.. don’t get me wrong we did have some good times but for some reason I’m having flashbacks from horrible times. I believe my parents where emotionally abusive and they now are making me feel guilty for moving so far away, my mum says it’s the only thing what keeps her going seeing us. My dad has come a long way he had a bad temper but got counselling and he’s like a different person in that way but still is the same person if you get me. It’s hard to act like nothing bad has happened, they act like I had the perfect childhood they never speak about what they did or apologise. I’ve been getting on with motherhood smoothly id say, enjoying time with my new baby, now after seeing parents I feel worried that I’m going to act like my parents did with me, I just feel if I’m going to feel like this every time I see them I don’t think I can but I want my DD to have grandparents. I don’t know what to do

Sorry to hear this. We tend to feel very protective when we have a new baby. Have you tried talking to them about how you feel or is that totally out of the question?

No I haven’t, I don’t think it would go down to well to be honest. I can just picture my dad getting angry and my mum getting upset. When I decided to move when I was pregnant I explained that they wasn’t being supportive like I thought they would and explained how my mum made me feel but they dismissed my feeling & my dad just ended up shouting at me, he said things like I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s very hard having a baby, I will get post natal depression and I’ll have no one, even though my partners family live here! So no I don’t think it will go down to well

I went through something similar just before I found out I was pregnant and in the first couple months of pregnancy.
I realised I'd been "parentified" as a child, basically suffered emotional neglect and some physical abuse, and that I hadn't completely healed from it yet.
Without going into too much detail, I missed out a lot on being a kid because my parents have disabilities and relied on me for a lot of things. For the longest time I made excuses and didn't acknowledge the impact this had on my emotional well-being.
Being a parent brings up all kinds of triggers for unresolved trauma from your own childhood. It's important you deal with the issues as they come up, as emotional healing will help you be a better parent.
My situation is slightly different, in that I live halfway across the country and only see my parents once a year.
Still Skype regularly, still want them to be involved, but I won't take parenting advice from them and can never rely on them to be the parents I wanted or needed.

I'd encourage you to see a counsellor as soon as you can, and do lots of journalling.
Also there's some great content on YouTube by a therapist called Kati Morton, she has videos on emotional abuse, childhood trauma, dealing with parents, etc.

In regards to "confronting" your parents, sometimes it's better not to. You should create your boundaries, but you don't have to go into the "whys" or details about your difficult childhood if your parents won't understand.
You can still heal without having to talk to the people who hurt you.

For me, it was very freeing admitting to myself that even though my parents did the best they could, they weren't good parents. I'd never tell them that, it would only upset them, but it's an important step to acknowledge it in my own mind and to my partner, and try do better by my own children.

You say you have moved near your partner's family - could they provide the grandparents/extended family you want your children to have? They don't need a full set of grandparents from each side to be loved and supported. Families come in all shapes and sizes. It's the love between them that matters.

It sounds like you've pretty much made your decision but are bogged down in the guilt you have been conditioned to feel. It's really inappropriate of your mum to say the visits are what she lives for. It's not for you to carry that and your mum needs to build your own life. Start saying your busy and they can't visit, push visits back and get some space. The more space you get the clearer it will all be.

I think that when you have kids you do start remembering and reassessing your own childhood. I too have felt angry and resentful towards my parents since having my own children. Maybe it's because you realise that what you assumed was a normal childhood or normal part of childhood just wasn't. When you feel so protective of and in love with your baby it's impossible to imagine how a parent could behave cruelly. So acknowledging that yours did is hard. It throws up a very confusing set of emotions. Hope you can find a comfortable distance from them