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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I stopped him seeing our children (for now)

23 replies

Singlemommy123 · 11/02/2019 22:07

Hi all.
I was hoping you could give me your advice as to if I’m completely unreasonable or not.
I have two children aged 3 and 5. (Girl and boy) I am currently married to their dad but we have been separated for 3 years (he wouldn’t sign divorce papers). The relationship was emotional and finical abuse and this continued after we split up so iv moved with the children over to Ireland to start a new life.
An arrangement was made so he would still get to see and speak to the children just as much as he did before (which is very little then)
He never stuck to his end of the agreement.
Iv been in and out of course for months and finally have a maintenance order in place but he’s still refusing to pay for the children. He’s not seen the children since last summer (2018) which is the time he started with his new girlfriend. She’s now pregnant with his baby and things have all got very messy.
I have stopped him seeing the children because he said he was sectioned under the mental health act and that he’s said some worrying things I’m relation to me never having the children back etc.
My children now want nothing to do with their dad, which I actually think a really sad as every child has the right to a relationship with both parents. All I want is for him to have a mental health check before spending more time with the children!
He’s blaming me for everything which I know that’s what controlling people do anyway.
Am I completely unreasonable in what iv done?
It’s constantly on my mind, I just want to do right by the children but I also want to make sure they are safe too.

OP posts:

Mintychoc1 · 11/02/2019 22:54

If he’s a risk to your kids I wouldn’t go anywhere near him

Itsallpeachyfornow · 11/02/2019 22:55

How can your children make a decision at 3 and 5 that they want nothing to do with their father?

Have the court's offered him any contact?

Has he admitted to mental health issues?

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 06:34

It’s more the 5 year old that doesn’t want to speak to him. He calls his dad a ‘liar’.
The father called the police stating I wasn’t allowing him to speak to the children. (When I was allowing weekly phone calls) and then told our son that he called the police to make sure he was behaving himself.

He admitted to myself, the courts and my solicitor in writing that he had been sectioned yes.

We haven’t gone down the route of an access arrangement yet. But he has now stopped calling to speak to the children for over a month now

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 12/02/2019 07:43

I wouldn’t stop contact but I’d insist on it being supervised. My mum voiced my worst fears about her worrying my ex would hurt the children. Once she’d said it and it was no longer just in my head I knew I couldn’t leave them alone with him. So I insisted visits were supervised by someone the kids trusted (it ended up being me) or that he went to a contact centre. The visits were minimal anyway and dried up. But I don’t feelnguilty as I know I was protecting my children.

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 07:53

Thank you, yes I have asked for them to be supervised but he has said that it’s an insult as he is their father. But clearly only has that attitude when it suits him.
The visits would have to be at a centre as he has threatened me and all my family and wishes us dead.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 12/02/2019 08:05

The relationship must have been extremely toxic for you to actually move to a different country (although hopefully you've got family in Ireland?). The Ex is obviously very resentful about all this but I would agree that any contact has to be supervised. TBH if he hasn't been in touch for a month he probably isn't going to bother. He's got a new woman and new baby on the way, so he's got his hands full. You're the one that got away, OP.

Onemansoapopera · 12/02/2019 08:35

You don't own your children. There are his children just as much as they are yours and he should see them. You don't have a right to dictate their relationship and YOU are being controlling doing this, perhaps because its the only control of him you have and it feels justified for how you've been controlled in the past.

Contact should be supervised as he's been sectioned.

Desmondo2016 · 12/02/2019 08:36

I think you have allowed your children to be far to exposed to the situation if a 5 year old is calling him a liar. Stop using the children.

TheShiteRunner · 12/02/2019 08:39

I think you have allowed your children to be far to exposed to the situation if a 5 year old is calling him a liar. Stop using the children.
I agree.

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 08:47

I have never bad mouthed their father in front of them. Their father has made promises such as ‘ill be over to see you Friday’ but then never turns up. Or says ‘iv sent you something in the post’ but nothing ever arrives. I’m not stupid, the children will only turn round and blame me one day if I play silly games like that.

I went off advice from my solicitor about visitation. I don’t for a second think I own the children. I want him to see the children, I don’t think maybe that’s come across correctly.
When the children have come back from their dads in the past iv been asked ‘what’s a slag’ because their dad has called me it.
I do not want any control over him. I’m trying to stop him controlling me 3 years on!

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 12/02/2019 08:51

Both of you need to stop trying to control THIS situation and work together. Sadly, his interest will probably wain altogether when the new baby arrives unless the girlfriend is a saint and values sibling relationships (rarer than unicorn shit, those women). At which point do whatever you can to get whatever money you can, because that will be all he'll contribute and legally he can't swerve it, he's not above the law.

Onemansoapopera · 12/02/2019 08:53

Ps there is not a single mother alive, happily married or nastily separated who have NEVER said a bad word about their father in front of the children so why are you trying to make out you're the only one who exists in the history of time. Nope. It happens.

BeekyChitch · 12/02/2019 08:57

Well depending where in Ireland he's moved to would mean different routes. If it's Northern Ireland you can deal with U.K. services/courts, child maintenance etc.

If he has moved to R.O.I then you will need to apply to their courts and use a solicitor resident in that country.

I would firstly set up maintenance payments if it hasn't been done already. Then, have a letter sent to him stating proposed contact days etc. He may or may not refuse then take it from there.

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 09:00

Well yes, but I do try to be very careful with what I say. I have honestly tried to work together but it got to the point where he was ringing me over 10 times a day.
Any conversation had about their father is when they go to bed or at school/nursery.
Yes I have the maintenance order in place but he’s still refusing to pay anything so back in court at the end of the month.
Situations are difficult enough for most people, and some come on here for some support. I do appreciate what your saying and maybe I’m not getting the story across the best.
I ask my children constantly if they would like to speak to their dad or see him. Maybe they have been exposed to things but I don’t want them disliking their father. A father is important to every child!

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 12/02/2019 09:01

Agreed. It is very frustrating.

CameliaCamelia · 12/02/2019 09:03

What 'mental health check' do you mean here? Is there one? I doubt there is

He was sectioned, then assessed and unsectioned. That's it

blackteasplease · 12/02/2019 09:48

Is there a court order in place re contact? Might be a place to start but it's his job to take it to court really. I agree that supervised contact would be the way to go.

I don't think 3 and 5 year old can be taken as saying they don't want anything to do with their father. They are very young and it's up to you (and him) to act in their interests.

Good luck OP. But no I wouldn't leave someone who has been sectioned alone in charge of my kids without some evidence he is now safe.

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 09:53

Thank you!
No there is no court order for visitation at the moment. Iv been advised to leave him to sort it.
Yes I’m sure if they saw him in person they would feel very different. But I can’t force him to want a relationship with his children.

OP posts:

SarahH12 · 12/02/2019 10:38

You can't be serious re his mental health? Lots of parents have been sectioned. If he's no longer sectioned it means his mental health has improved enough. Do you even know what he was sectioned for?

Original poster

Singlemommy123 · 12/02/2019 10:48

No of course I understand lots of people get sectioned. And I’m sure he is fit and well enough to see his children.
I have no idea, he only tells a small amount of information. He said he would said a copy of the discharge letter to my solicitor but we are 6 months down the line and still nothing so now I suspect he’s probably lied about that too. (He lies about a lot of stuff!)
Like iv said, he was still speaking to the children until a month ago, when he stopped all contact. That was his own choice.

OP posts:

MargoLovebutter · 12/02/2019 10:58

This sounds really stressful for you OP.

I can understand your hesitance around giving your ex access, as you have so little information to work on regarding the sectioning and his current mental health. It is all very well to say that once a person is no longer sectioned, his mental health has improved, which I'm sure is true, but by how much and what was the issue. I don't think it is unreasonable to want to understand all of that.

However, I think that rather than stop contact altogether, asking for supervised access would be better. That way he still gets to see his DC and you aren't worrying that they may or may not be safe.

I wouldn't be asking the kids all of the time if they want to see their Dad. I'd leave it and if they raise it, then you can say that you'll let him know. Don't feel you have to press anything on his behalf. There is a difference between not bad mouthing him and trying to force a relationship that may not be there.

Surely your solicitor can advise you about how best to tackle this? Also there are family mediation services you can use that specialise in helping in these sorts of situations - maybe that might be an option?

SarahH12 · 19/02/2019 08:01

Sorry but I just don't see how it's any of your business? You're not entitled to his medical records (which a discharge letter is) just because you've had DC with him.

ScarletBitch · 19/02/2019 08:13

Yabu and any court will tell you.

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