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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Done with this but trapped

20 replies

uttermisery1 · 11/02/2019 19:08

I'm ill (horrid virus) and it's just highlighting how much I hate being stuck married to this useless man. He just has no instinct for caring for me I've come back from a weekend away really ill to a filthy kitchen and feral kids who went to bed at God knows when. Spent today doing domestic chores and collecting kids because.... well who else will?! I sent a message with a specific list of stuff to buy on the way home (cold remedy plus food etc) and he's come in late and only got 50% of it. Kids need bathing but that hasn't been done and now they're melting down because they're so tired. I'm pissed off so he's acting like it's my fault.

He's intelligent and successful but reverts to 10 years old at home and I can't be bothered with it anymore.

I'm fucking done with this life I really am. So trapped, can't leave, hate my life. I hate it. The weekend away just reminded me what I can be like when I don't live with him and the kids. God I've fucked up and I'm trapped.

OP posts:

adayatthebeach · 11/02/2019 19:14

Is there anyone who might take the kids till you feel better? You need time to get better and think things through.

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 11/02/2019 19:36

No. I'm an ex-pat (therefore no family or long-term friends within 1000s of miles) so I can ask for limited help from friends but nothing of that magnitude.

OP posts:

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 11/02/2019 19:39

So far he's asked 3 questions about making us some food. He only needs to microwave the rice and spoon out the stuff I put in the slow cooker.

OP posts:

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 12/02/2019 17:27

Hopeful bump.
I'm really not feeling good physically or mentally. No idea if or when he'll be home to help and I've got 2 kids needing bathing and I'm on my knees. I don't want to live this life. I've fucked up.

OP posts:

Da1syRae · 12/02/2019 18:09

Hey. I've joined this site to discuss this exact issue. You are NOT alone! I'm so so so fed up of my husband doing nothing on his days off with our daughter. (I'm normally at work when he is off). Im sorry I don't have any suggestions. But I just want you to know you're not alone in this. Why is it that you feed so trapped?

Lozzerbmc · 12/02/2019 18:13

Men are quite useless arent they most men seem to have no initiative when it comes to household and domestic and children stuff. Have you felt unhappy for some time?

1Violetcream · 12/02/2019 18:17

So sorry you’re feeling so desperate. I am sure that being ill is making it all so much worse. Try and focus on that at the moment, looking after yourself and getting through this illness and then the long view when you are better and more able to think and cope etc. So many husbands are really crap when the woman is ill and it all just spirals. It is just unbelievable that they don’t have more initiative in these situations. I have been there and I sympathise. Sending hugs xxx

Notgettinganyyounger23 · 12/02/2019 19:27

You really do sound fed up. Is there any reason you feel so trapped, can you not leave?

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 12/02/2019 19:43

I live in a foreign country. The logistics of leaving and what would happen with the kids make it impossible.

OP posts:

Banana1979 · 12/02/2019 19:49

You need to tell him how you feel. Take a deep breath and start laying some ground rules down. Bed time, wake up time, tidy time. As for dinner, if husband won't cook for you then i suggest you make for yourself and the kids only, and he can sort himself out. He will soon start helping
When you have a routine things will start feeling better, but you need to enforce these rules .
You need to talk to your husband. Its horrible you are feeling this way. I know how u feel..missing your old life..but things don't have to feel this way. U just have to make changes. Count yourself lucky you can go away for the weekend and have DH watch the kids x

SinkGirl · 12/02/2019 19:50

If he’s intelligent and successful then a) he is perfectly capable of doing all this, he just doesn’t know how yet or can’t be arsed, and b) he should be able to understand that he is a fuck up of an adult and he needs to sort it out because otherwise he could end up having to look after the kids alone frequently.

Have you tried to broach this with him lately, or do you just think it’s less hassle to do it yourself? I get that, I really do, but this is how it ends up when the resentment builds. Does he know how unhappy you are?

If you did separate, what would happen with your residency? Could you take the children back to where you’re from? What would he say to this? Clearly he’s not capable of solo parenting - if he is then this is fixable.

Pumpkintopf · 12/02/2019 19:53

So sorry you're feeling ill and unhappy op. Not sure where you are abroad but could you afford to buy some help for a while eg a cleaner, childcare to give you a few hours off? How old are your dcs?

SandyY2K · 13/02/2019 01:22

What about hiring a cleaner house help?

That's the norm if you're in Asia or the middle east. Do you have a trip to your home country planned?

Perhaps try and suggest one, then don't returned if it's that bad.

A trailing wife can be very vulnerable financially.

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 13/02/2019 07:34

We already have some help with cleaning etc but not every day. So it's those days without I need him to act like a sentient considerate human being. He just doesn't think and I'm sick to death of doing all the thinking for all of us all of the time. And of not feeling cherished or loved or cared about, ever.

This week is one year since I attempted suicide in a cry for help to try to change some of these things. I saw a counsellor for a while who thought my husband 'didn't sound too bad' and that I should be training him (presumably to act like a loving and engaged husband and parent).

Since then he occasionally loads the dishwasher and drives the kids to school each morning. My life feels no different.

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 13/02/2019 17:33

The counselor you found is a pathetic excuse of a counselor or a human being! You sound so desperate-is there a suicide crisis helpline you can call? Is there any chance you can take the children back to your home of origin for a break? If you live here in the states you can phone 911 or go to an ER for assistance.

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/02/2019 19:02

I really wouldn't worry about bathing the kids today. Leave it for tomorrow.
Out of curiosity, are you a SAHP and your H the employed one?
You've been away the weekend (leisure?), you have a cleaner, and your H, presumably, works full-time.
Totally agree he needs do more around the home and look after you when you're sick/see to the kids but, if he works full-time, are your expectations reasonable?

Original poster

uttermisery1 · 14/02/2019 08:24

Which part of my expectation is unreasonable?
To expect him to see I need help when I'm ill?
To want him to act like he cares for me and loves me?
To want him to engage his fucking brain instead of defaulting to me as chief household thinker all the fucking time even when I'm ill and when I've been away?

I'm not a SAHP I work 3/5 days per week.
Job and school means no, I can't just up and leave. And I'm not suicidal. I realise I can't do that to my kids so I go through the motions of life. Put on a tinkly cheerful voice and plaster on a smile for the kids.
And I'm not giving up my job. It's the only part of my life that I enjoy. I went back to work this week though still really ill because it's the only thing in life I feel positively about.

OP posts:

Middersweekly · 14/02/2019 16:03

I’ve been where you are now with 4 young children. They are a bit older now and can sort the basics for themselves such as bathing, breakfast and lunch etc. I pay the oldest to do chores now but basically my husband (fifth child) hasn’t changed in 17 years. He is so totally enabled by me in his life I actually wonder what would happen if I died and it was left to him. I am sure he wouldn’t lift a finger to do any washing until he was turning his pants inside out! I work all week and still do the shopping, cleaning and cooking etc. My husband is also a successful and intelligent man in his work life but doesn’t lift a finger at home. I realised after the first 10 years he wouldn’t ever change and have pretty much accepted my fate. Big hugs the children won’t be small forever! The husband however is likely a lost cause!

Lompopo · 14/02/2019 16:15

Didn’t want to read and run. Right now you need to focus on each day as it comes and get through it. You cannot tackle this when ill. I have some understanding of your situation in that I felt neglected by my husband when ill or whenever I wasn’t 100%.

I know you feel trapped but when you are better start reasearching and planning how you are going to separate. There will be a way.

Sorry you are going through this.

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/02/2019 10:49

Which part of my expectation is unreasonable?

I don't know, that's why I was asking for more info about your lives.

Your resentment towards him and your misery is eating you alive.

You have two choices: accept that he won't change and stay, or leave either with the kids or without. You can't carry on as is.

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