Long time lurker, occasional poster, new account/username due to the data breach. I’ve had some really helpful advise on MN previously and would really appreciate and advise with my current situation. Don’t want to drip feed so it might be a bit lengthy!
I have one DD (age two), and my relationship with her father has been really unstable, which is the reason I’m posting. The background: I got pregnant early into us dating, but I chose to continue with the pregnancy, however he reassured me he would stick around and wanted our child. Throughout my pregnancy things got progressively worse - he would threaten to cheat on me, blew out of scans at the last minute, would go very hot then cold, and was generally quite nasty. In hindsight I’m sure it was emotionally abusive.
Each time I attempted to minimise contact and speak only about our child, he would suddenly come on really strong and talk about how ‘in love’ he was, be really lovely for a few days or weeks, then the cycle would repeat.
Once DD was born, he was absent most of the time, we didn’t live together but he wanted to be in constant contact with me - messaging 24/7 and constantly making empty promises then letting me down.
Shortly after her first birthday, I received two letters from the child maintnece service, saying other women had filed for maintenance. I was aware of one child he had from a previous relationship but the second he kept secret. To avoid paying CMS, he left his job and now works self employed, and does not declare his income, so none of us get anything financially. I brought up the letters to him, he denied the child was his, and he cut contact. I messaged once letting him know details to arrange seeing DD if he wanted to, he didn’t take up the offer.
We had no contact for a few months, then he got back in touch out of the blue with a huge message apologising and asking to see DD. I debated answering him but he did seem genuinely sincere, he started seeing DD again and I tried to keep the topic just on her but he was always trying to turn it around into our relationship and us getting back together.
A few weeks after this I found out he had a girlfriend (which was the reason he had initially cut contact) and had obviously wanted to have his cake and eat it - trying to get me and him back together or sleeping together while he was with someone else. Once I found this out he cut contact again for months, then came back as if nothing had happened once they finally broke up (he cheated on her repeatedly, as he does to everyone.)
I know this probably sounds really pathetic, but he is highly manipulative and I often ended up feeling guilty or like I was to blame for the bad things which he did. There are so many more examples I could list of unkind and manipulative things he has done - another bad one was that while we were together, and I was heavily pregnant, he was trying to convince our mutual friend to sleep with him and meet up. He is completely toxic and scares me sometimes. I obviously don’t want to damage DD by cutting her father out of her life, but I also don’t trust him and he has shown several times that he can drop me and DD (and his other children) at a moments notice and not look back.
While he’s insistent on seeing DD I’m not sure what I should do. He refuses to speak just about DD and turns everything around to me and him and ‘us’. But has previously hinted that if I stopped speaking with him he would try and get shared custody of DD (purely out of spite as he has no interest otherwise) I’ve tried organising their contact through a third party but he refuses.
I have a really horrible sick anxious feeling a lot of the time while we are in contact. During the months he dissapeared I adjusted to the lack of drama and enjoyed it, but I feel like I’m just waiting for the next time he gets a better offer and fucks off again.
When I refuse to play into his relationship nonsense he tries to play on my emotions and starts speaking about awful things which have happened to him (in childhood etc) and As sad as they are, I don’t think they’re any excuse for what he’s done.
I’m not sure what kind of boundaries would be appropriate - if we didn’t have a child I would block him and that would be all the closure I’d need. Please be gentle, I was a teenager when I first met him and it was my first relationship, and it’s only within the last year that I’ve started to realise how nasty he’s been - and the negative influence he has on our lives overall. I’d really appreciate any advice or views, I feel trapped at the moment. Tia 