To leave or not

[Cantfindmenow]

Hi all, sorry, incoming long post!

My husband and I have been having problems on and off for the 10 years we have been together. We have broken up a couple of times but always get drawn back to each other after a few weeks/months. During these times of not being together my husband has not dated other people but I have (May be relevant to how I'm currently feeling).

We now have a 1 year old and I am feeling the way I have done before when we have split previously. We do not hate each other but I just don't feel like we are a couple.

We don't sleep in the same bed, for many reasons, but now I just don't like sharing the bed with him.

We don't spend any time with each other unless seeing family with DD. All our friends are separate, always have been.

Even in the evenings we don't talk or do anything once DD is in bed. We just have dinner, watch tv and then go our separate ways to bed. And we never have sex. It just feels like we are friends who live together.

I'm not sure I am in love with him, but I'm not sure if I even know what that feels like any more?

I am torn between ending things now before we hate each other and things get messy, or working on them and hoping things get better.

I don't really know what I want or what I want to do. I just know I don't want to carry on living this way, it is boring and unfulfilling!

It sounds very boring and unfulfilling. And lonely. For both of you.

I would start making plans to split, but be honest with him. Hopefully you can split amicably.

You both deserve a happier life than this.

Thank you, I think I know that is what needs to be done.

Just very scary thinking of being alone with a small child after all this time!

You don't have to be alone with a small child. You can arrange custody any way that works for both of you. Don't let that be a reason to trap you in something that makes you unhappy.

Thanks @glosstwit I know that we will be able to work something out that works for both of us but the reality is that it will be me that has the most time alone with DD as he works long hours which lead to me giving up my job as my salary wasn't covering nursery costs.

I know that splitting will be better for every one in the long run, but right now, it's scary!

I didn’t read the whole of the post but if you are having to ask the question . . .

I know. We have discussed it. He wants us to try and fix things. Maybe couples counselling? I don't think it will work.

CantFindMe
I am in a v v similar relationship that has always been problematic. We almost split when DD was a baby and I’m so conflicted but in many ways I wish we had. We are 2 people living in a house trying to bring up a child. Now that’s she’s older (9) she has a relationship with him which she will miss if she doesn’t see him every day. On the other hand she wouldn’t have had that relationship if we had split at an earlier point.
We always come back to the same issues. We had counselling last year and for a while things felt better and as if we were actually something approaching a normal family but the last few months have been v unhappy. I am struggling more and more to talk myself into staying in this relationship which is exhausting and never easy. We are going for counselling again and trying to figure out whether to stay together. I’m exhausted by it all - doing everything, being the only grown up, working like a beast in a job I hate. I guess what I’m saying is that you should definitely try counselling but also that things may not get better. Please don’t waste as much time as I have procrastinating and paralysed by indecision.

@picoloangel so sorry your relationship is similar! It is really hard!

We have the counselling next week but I am not hopeful. I will give it a try and see what happens after that.

I get what you mean about DDs relationship with him, I think that's the only reason I am still here if I'm honest. May not be the best reason though.

Hope you get things sorted, either way, and do what is best for you!