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Original poster

DH possible premature ejaculation? How to talk about it?

29 replies

EspressosAndPinot · 11/02/2019 16:01

Currently unsure whether DH is suffering from PE and how to go about bringing it up in a sensitive way.

DH has, for as long as I’ve known him, always finished what I consider to be really early. I’m talking anywhere between 30 seconds and 3 minutes of sex and it’s over.

When we first started dating, I noticed this ‘issue’, but put it down to the fact that (back then!) I had a good body, took really good care of my appearance and we were in the ‘honeymoon phase’ so thought maybe the excitement of it all got the better of him.
But here we are, years later, have children together, my body is a droopy, sagging resemblance of what it was once was, and yet the problem is still happening.

I brought this up about a year and a half ago and when I approached the subject DH said he’d been ‘expecting this conversation to happen’. I told him about some techniques I’d come across online about how to last longer and also suggested seeing if the GP could help. He didn’t go to the doctors and we have practiced some of the things that are said to delay ejaculation, but to no avail.

We’ve tried pulling out when he’s close, we’ve tried lots of foreplay, we’ve tried no foreplay, we’ve tried fast sex, slow sex, having a lot of sex, waiting several days/weeks between sex - nothing makes a difference. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times sex has lasted longer than about 4 minutes in the last 2 years.

I try my best to not show disappointment when it happens, but it is growing increasingly difficult because obviously I have needs too, and I want to be close with him and enjoy sex together. He’s said that when we have sex, it’s on his mind about finishing early, and then because he’s thinking of it and panicking about it happening.. it ends up happening anyway!

Because of how unsatisfied I am after sex, I’ve found myself not initiating very often due to knowing how quickly it will end.

I don’t know how to approach this subject with DH again. Obviously it can’t be nice for a guy to hear, and given we’ve spoken about it in the past, I’m at a loss for how to bring it up again in a last ditch attempt to get him to visit the GP.

Truthfully I don’t even know what qualifies as PE - but I really feel like this is what he’s going through, but I feel so awkward at the prospect of sitting him down and going ‘I think you have PE..’

Anyone been through a similar situation and can offer advice on the best way to tackle this!?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 11/02/2019 16:43

I don't know how much a GP can do- certainly alongside that it would be helpful to explore all the non PIV ways you can have sex- you orgasming first, vibrator, etc.

I'm in a similar situation, but we've been essentially sexless for years as a result. Work it out now, don't leave it!

picklemepopcorn · 11/02/2019 16:44

By the way, mine was lucky to manage two thrusts.

MMmomDD · 11/02/2019 18:32

I am sorry, but if a man came here to say what you said - I have been having an unsatisfactory sex with W for many years; and now told her she needs to get herself fixed - he’d be told all kinds of things about himself.
It’s not different in your situation.

Your H is she same man you’ve dated and married. You knew what he was like and you married him.
He isn’t ill and hasn’t hid anything from you.
It’s unfair to now all of a sudden pull a rug from out of his feet and tell him you’ve not been honest with him for years.

Most likely there isn’t much a GP can do in this situation.
However - there is lots both you and your H can do to make you more satisfied during intimacy. Just both need an open mind and good attitude. What’s stopping you?

category12 · 11/02/2019 18:37

Can he not get you off another way? Just because he finishes quick, doesn't have to mean it's over, surely? Or he should get you off first. What's he like after the refractory period, can he not last longer then?

Zofloramummy · 11/02/2019 18:38

I kind of understand but there are many other ways he can meet your needs that aren’t PIV. Does he do that? Or are you left high and dry?

StarlightLady · 11/02/2019 18:46

Try oral only sessions. Save the penetration for another day.

Original poster
EspressosAndPinot · 11/02/2019 18:54

@MMmomDD he's made it clear to me that he's never experienced this with any previous partners. He isn't happy about how long he lasts either so I'm failing to see what's unfair about this?

@category12 @Zofloramummy he usually goes straight to sleep after sex. Nothing continues and no round two. I can't orgasm just through foreplay so that's not really an option either unfortunately.

OP posts:
MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 18:55

@MMmomDD your comment is very unfair.

The OP is not suggesting living her DH as a result of the issue. And she has Clearly outlined that she has tried lots of things to try to resolve it. She has also discussed it with her DH who said he had been expecting the conversation so hardly sounds like she has pulled the rug from under him!

Issues in marriage need to be discussed not swept under the carpet just because you've already agreed to marry them!

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 18:56

You can't orgasm just through foreplay? Do you not masturbate?

Zofloramummy · 11/02/2019 18:57

Oral sex and a vibrator?

PixieDust92 · 11/02/2019 19:00

I think he probably worries about finishing early and this plays a part. I think it is what it is and not much can be done it about, some people are just this way x

Original poster
EspressosAndPinot · 11/02/2019 19:00

@MiniMum97 incredibly rarely. I have a two year old and a one year old to look after all day, then DH is home every evening!

OP posts:
category12 · 11/02/2019 19:00

Well, he shouldn't just go to sleep, that's a choice, and one I wouldn't be happy with.

It's quite unusual for a woman to only orgasm through PIV.

Original poster
EspressosAndPinot · 11/02/2019 19:01

@PixieDust92 that's exactly what it is. He says he stresses over finishing early because he knows that he will - and that the more he stresses and panics, the more quickly he ejaculates. It's like he can't break the cycle and relax because it's happened to him so many times now that he just gets himself so worked up over it

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 11/02/2019 19:04

Any longer after a few pints?

Notcoolmum · 11/02/2019 19:09

Viagra?
Make sure your needs are taken care of before PIV?

Original poster
EspressosAndPinot · 11/02/2019 19:11

The handful of times we've had sex after a few drinks (since having young DC's) have been a slight improvement.

There was one time a few months back when he'd taken tramadol for a bad back ache - the pain relief was so good that we managed to have sex and I think he lasted about 15-20 minutes which for him was outstanding and we were both like 'wtf just happened!?' Obviously taking tramadol long term isn't an option, but I guess we have that to fall back on once in a blue moon

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 11/02/2019 19:21

There is absolutely nothing unfair in what I said.
People who said that - imagine :
You’ve been married for years to your H - and one day, all of a sudden he tells you:

  • you know - the food you’ve been cooking for years that I ate - sorry - I didn’t in fact enjoy your cooking. Can you change it
Or
  • you know - the clothes you’ve been wearing - hate them. Make you look .... Can you change
Same exact thing with sex. OP says that for as long as she’s known him - which is years - he’s been a certain way. She accepted she married him this way. And now - all of a sudden he needs to change.

I am sorry you are having an unsatisfactory sex life.
However, I do not believe that a woman’s orgasm is solely a man’s responsibility.
You picked a man with a certain handicap. He isn’t going to change how he is.
(And some women end up with men with other types of handicaps in that dept)
So - if you want to fix things for you - you need to also do something.
Get that vibrator, experiment, see what you like and show him what you want him to do.
He can’t change his endurance.
But he is capable of holding a vibrator and learning how to make you come.
If you don’t like toys - tell him to use his fingers.
And insist on going first.
These things are within your control. Vs his physical/mental state during intimacy.

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 19:32

Ok but my point is if you can orgasm from masturbation there is no reason you don't orgasm from foreplay if done the right way (ie as you like it)? Do you talk about how you like to be touched etc?

Sadiesnakes · 11/02/2019 19:33

@MMmomDD those are ridiculous comparisons right there.
Op isn't leaving her dh over this so you can calm down. She just asking for advice on how to possibly correct this problem. Many men have PE and many men aren't happy about it either, it's not wrong or bad to want to try find a solution or correction to a problem.

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 19:35

OP have you seen this in the NHS website:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

Lots of potential things to try and also things the GP may be able to prescribe.

MiniMum97 · 11/02/2019 19:37

I agree with @Sadiesnakes @MMmomDD your comparisons are ridiculous. And the OP hasn't said anywhere that her orgasms are her DHs responsibility. I don't think your responses are particularly helpful.

helpmeoutout · 11/02/2019 19:40

Tricky one...it's difficult now that you are obviously married to him. If he also wants help with how to last longer, I would have a srious conversation about going to the GP for medicine that helps you last longer.

I dont think YABU to raise this as a concern, you would like to orgasm with your partner through PIV, not sure what the issue is with that.

DustyMaiden · 11/02/2019 19:42

If you get him to orgasm but hold his tedticles away away from his body, probably easiest while performing oral. He will orgasm but not ejaculate. You can then have PIV sex, it will be much slower.

buckingfrolicks · 11/02/2019 19:43

Dustymaiden say what??