Ok, so this is a classic tale of I love my husband but I’m not in love with him, and I don’t think I have been for a very long time. We both met at school and have now been married for 33 years.
Over the years, I think, he has been abusive, never ever physically. He can go in moods for days (and I won’t know the reason why) granted this doesn’t happen very often but when it does, I hate it. It’s like walking on eggshells, and I just have to leave him to Come out of his mood whenever he feels like it. He can sometimes say to me “are you fucking stupid” if I do something wrong!
He can go in moods about money, he is very money orientated, and if he feels there isn’t enough money in the bank, it’s me he takes the mood out in even though he will see that nothing has been spent on silly stuff etc.
He will have little digs about my weight, and it really gets me down, I know I need to lose weight, probably about 2 stone, and I think he says things thinking it will spur me on to lose the weight, but it doesn’t, it just makes me want to put on more weight to annoy him, but I know deep down IM not happy with my weight, therefore it annoys me. I would just hate to think he thinks I’m losing weight for him!
He had an affair about 15 years ago and TBH ive never got over it. Even after I found out about it, he was still seeing OW to make sure she was okay, but never checked with me to see if I was okay.
I think there may have been a couple of other times when he was unfaithful to me, but I can’t prove anything and at these times, it might have been ONS, whereas the actual affair was one that lasted for a a few months.
When I’ve sat thinking about things I think I’ve always known I’ve been unhappy, but everyone else’s happiness is more important to me, therefore I was willing to just keep plodding along, but now I’m not sure if I just want to be by myself without him. It’s getting to the stage in my life where I feel I would maybe like to be alone, with just my friends for company and even myself for company (I like my own company) and not having anyone to moan at me, or wonder what mood he will be in when he comes home. We do have kids, one had left home, the othernis a teenager still at school so obviously I would still have my youngest with me if we split up.
My husband would be devestated if I told him how I was feeling, he can be good to me, infact if I’m completely honest, he is good to me most of the time, I think it might be the affair(s) that’s killed everything for me.
I don’t know what do to. It’s been the last 6months when I’ve really struggled. Now here is where it gets complicated, I am a foster carer, if we split up, I lose my job and the 2 children (not birth children) I have will be taken away from me......how could I do that to them. I wouldn’t be able to get another home with enough bedrooms for the children, even if we sold the marital home, there is no way I would be able to house them. DH won’t move out of the family home and leave me with the house. We don’t have a mortgage on the property, and I wouldnt be able to afford to buy him out.
Do I just keep going living in a marriage that I’m not sure I happy in for the sake of happiness for other people.
I don’t know what to do. Sorry I don’t even know what I’m looking for out of this.