Mum causing arguements between me and DH. I need some perspective...

[Ahhhhmefeet]

So I’ve just had a bit of an arguement with DH about my mother.

My mother is a difficult person. I strongly believe that she may be on the autistic spectrum (it also runs on her side of the family and I have two siblings with ASD).

In addition to having some ASD traits, she is controlling, unable to empathise, is selfish, she is never in the wrong and never apologises. In addition to this she has a horrendous victim complex and always believes people are getting at her.

I had an argument with her due to her behaviour during my pregnancy (I am due any day now). She has been very demanding and I feel like she has just treated me like an incubator throughout this pregnancy as this is her first grandchild (I am her only hope of grandkids due to my siblings SN). She was a massive twat when it came to my wedding as well.

She thrown an almighty strop because she said that that I have shut her out during the pregnancy and she hasn’t been able to get involved in anything and we’ve had various arguments and haven’t been speaking. I had been following DHs advice as I have no
Idea what else to do with her as I’ve exhausted my options over the years. He has just said to ignore her.

Anyway through much of her tantrums and sulking she has decided to send me a message today just asking how I am so we’ve basically just acted like nothing had happened. I had explained to her in a previous message that I didn’t want to speak to her until she apologised and I just got “I’m sorry but...”(then some other irrelevant stuff about how I’m horrible). I’ve only replied to her as I hate arguing and I’m days before giving birth.

This has pissed DH off and he says that I need to explain why I’m pissed off with her. I’ve said that there is no point as a) it’ll cause another argument which I don’t want or need atm and b) she won’t change as she won’t ever see herself as being in the wrong. She can’t empathise and she’ll always view herself as a victim.

DH can’t understand as he has ‘normal’ parents who we get along with but he never stands up to them and just idolises them. He thinks he knows how best to handle this situation when he’s not in it and has never experienced the FOG that accompanies it. I’ve said to him I’ll stop whinging about them to him but it’s now caused an argument because I snapped at him and said that he hasn’t been much help because you know she won’t change and that he doesn’t listen. Now I feel really guilty. I don’t know what to do or how to proceed going forward I don’t want to keep arguing with either.

Sorry that was so long

Text is usually a good communication tools for ASD as they can read and process straight forward information

You can’t change her but you can change you !

Mum I wasn’t happy when you said X
I have invited you by doing Y
I would like you to do Z

Have you considered she may well actually have some form of untreated - and untreatable personality disorder along the lines of narcissistic personality disorder. The lack of empathy and never being in the wrong attitudes are red flags here anyway.

She may be somewhere on an ASD spectrum as well but equally she may not. Whatever the reasons for her behaviours, it is NOT your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You need to put mental as well as physical distance between you and she now in particular or she will certainly taint your precious early days with your newborn. I would not want her anywhere near your family unit frankly now given her behaviours past and present. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. Your mother is no different. Block her from any and all means of contacting you, at the very least you are going to have to make your own selves far less available to her. FOG are indeed three of many damaging legacies such people leave their unfortunate now adult offspring and you seem mired in this still.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has fundamentally not changed since your own childhood. Your boundaries seem far too low here re her which is not altogether surprising seeing as she basically taught you not to have any when it comes to her.

Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your mother is not the nice, kind mother you perhaps still want her to be and will in all likelihood be a really crap example of a grandmother to your child. You perhaps on some level hope beyond measure that she will somehow change and be a better person; you are going to have to let that go. You also are going to have to drop the rope she keeps on holding out to you; a response is what such disordered of thinking people want. You're her willing audience and repository for all her crap.

Do address all this with a therapist and one at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together. Your DH means well but he does not really get it, he is probably just as exasperated by his mother in law's behaviours too. I would also suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. You will also get further advice there too.

I'm sorry you're in this situation

On a practical note, the Salvation Army has a well established Family Tracing Unit with a long and reputable track record. They can't guarantee that your mum will want to respond, of course, but are well worth contacting.

I'm so sorry - wrong thread.

You need to consider the fact that you are about to have a baby, your mother is causing you stress and yet you still put her feelings and wants first.

At the moment you are the most important one here, next comes baby, then your dh. She is so far down the list that you need to put your immediate family first.

You set your boundary (she needed to apologise) and yet you replied to her because ‘she can’t help it, it’s who she is’

You have this great excuse for her behaviour that you are allowing her to upset you.

At this stage, especially waiting for the little one, I would block her and get your dh to call when the baby is here and you are ready to deal with her.

Give yourself space, look after yourself and recover. Now is the time for distance while you have your baby, bond and recover.

Then do as suggested above. Look at the stately homes thread, work on boundaries and put your baby and dh up there with your own mental wellbeing.

She's going to continue walking all over you your whole life long. Unless you change something. She's not going to change, she has you exactly where she wants you, she can be as nasty as she likes and you will let her away with it.
If you think it's bad now, wait until she's trying to put down your parenting and do what she wants to your baby "because she knows better". So it's up to you to make changes happen.
Listen to your husband. You do need to spell things out to her but I'd suggest you need to add a consequence, e.g. if you suggest to me again that I have shut you out, I will actually shut you out for 24 hours/ 5 days or whatever. Then follow through.
She will only start to modify her behaviour if she sees that you are not prepared to tolerate it.

I totally see where your husband is coming from. His pregnant wife is continually upset by her mother. Her mother has but a downer on the pregnancy and also caused stress and upset leading up to the wedding. He is the one that has to deal with his wife being upset. His wife then sets a boundary, of you must apologise. But his MIL just manipulates it again, waits a bit and his wife gives in.

The baby will be born any day and he knows his MIL will end up upsetting his wife just after she has given birth and ruin the first few days of his child's life.

I totally get you can't be arsed. But I totally get why he is fed up as well.