Elderly mum can't accept relationship is over

[StellaMorris]

Named changed, but long standing MN regular - penis beaker, Brian from Hull, naice ham etc. Apologies in advance for a lengthy thread!

I am rather worried about DM and really don't know what to say to her, how to deal with this situation. She is in her 70s. DF died early, 25 years ago; he'd been ill for over 10 years, so she'd been nursing him since her 40s, and she was in her mid 50s when she was widowed.

DM lives 300 miles away. I have primary school aged children and visit as much as we can, but due to distance we are restricted to school holidays. She is a young for her age and active, walks her dogs, swims, does Tai Chi etc. Seems a good 15 years younger! Doesn't drink or smoke (more on that later).

A few years after DF died, DM had a relationship with a widower she'd known at work. She embraced him and his family wholeheartedly and virtually moved in. I think she thought she had a life companion in him. Unfortunately he died when the'd been together about 3 years. Clearly everyone devastated.

A couple of years later she met another man. He lovely; if he'd been introduced as my dad's younger brother that would have been totally believable. They were a great match and were together for 15 years. They met at AA -DM is 40 years sober, but still goes to meetings about once a week; also works with addicts in the wider rehab community. New Man (NM) was about 2 years sober and about 5 years separated from his wife when they met.

NM started drinking again 3 years ago and lost his job and driving licence; a 48 hour drinking binge culminated with them in a&E with him demanding whiskey and vomiting blood. He was discharged into rehab and has lived by himself working on his physical and mental health and sobriety ever since. He didn't see DM for several months as part of his recovery.

They did start to see each other for lunch from time to time (they live about 30 miles apart); he'd go to hers to house/pet sit if she was away etc, she'd visit him if my DC were staying with her. Kind of an arm's length relationship. Throughout she has assumed they would get back together. His behaviour has never suggested such. She just doesn't get it. She texts me furious rants that his family have had a party that she wasn't invited too, that he and his ex wife have been spending time together (at their GD's christening!), that his sister was in her village seeing a friend and didn't pass by; that she wasn't invited for Christmas lunch (which was by the by anyway since she has a house full of guests).....

She does not get that he sees the relationship as over. I do understand that she is fundamentally lonely, and never expected to spend the end of her life like this but she needs to move on. She point blank refuses to move to anywhere where any of my siblings and I live (we're pretty scattered) and is striving on with pretending that she an NM are an item - which is why she won't move, because not being in the area really would put the nail in the coffin of the relationship.

I feel that we need to say something to her, but I don't know what to say or do without really hurting her.

It sounds like his family have backed away from her because they feel the relationship is over. Has the man actually told her it’s over? With a 15 year history, the understanding that he needed time apart to recover and a continuing friendship I can see that your mother might feel that they have a future.

It doesn't sound to me as if he's ended it conclusively. How would you feel about giving him a ring and politely asking him to clarify and then back off completely? If he's a decent chap he'll agree - he may not realise in the midst of his own problems that she is still hopeful.

I think you’ve both made some good points.

DM is not included in family events because, I genuinely think, there is no relationship there, and actions are speaking much louder than words. I also agree that after 15 years DM deserves a proper conclusion. I am almost entirely certain that they have not had a conversation about their futures, whether together or apart.

This is a sad situation. I wonder why the NM has wanted to end it? Perhaps he genuinely feels no good for her and ashamed about his relapse and that he might endanger her sobriety if they are around each other?

What does she say to you when you say to her "Mum, I think you need to accept it's really finally over between you and NM" - does she disagree? If so on what grounds?

Ok, so DSis says that he has told her, but she had not accepted it. He is an emotional fuckwit though, by his own admission (emotional maturity stilted by boarding school and alcohol) - I am not entirely convinced how clear he would have been. Apparently they are having lunch tommorow.

I will be going down there with the dc for a few days next week. I guess i’ll pursue it then.

Hope it goes well for you. You could try waiting for the next time she mentions being excluded by his family and ask What does NM think about that? Have you talked to new man about that? Have you asked NM why his family haven’t invited you? It might point her in the right direction to get answers without you having to be the one to make her face that it’s over.

I like that approach Katterina, thank you.

I’m going to paraphrase conversation after the lunch yesterday.

Me: How was NM?
DM: we had a lovely lunch, really good time.
Me: Any kind of conclusion or closure?
DM: Is there ever with NM? He said it was a special treat lunch, maybe early Valentine’s. Who ever really knows with him ?! Tinkly laugh. (This all said in a very simpering, teenage way).

I get that she is lonely, but she’s not going to resolve this in a one way relationship, whilst denying herself the opportunity to form a genuine one.