Single mums

[CarlosCarlos]

I think I'm about to become one. My current partner is unaware of the fact I'm about to leave him and we have a 3.5 month old DS.

I'm terrified of becoming a single mother and don't know what to do. I'm the one that will have to move out as he has a DD from a previous relationship. I'm considering moving back to live with my parents who are 170 miles away.

I'm scared of the prospect of being tied to every other weekend and not seeing my son for large portions of time. This is inevitable but I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it.

I'm scared about not being able to provide for my son with only half the finances coming in.

I'm scared about my current partners reaction when I do finally leave him. He's not a particularly nice person and I tread on eggshells around him. He wouldn't however ever hurt me or my child physically.

I'm just lost. Don't know what to do. Can anyone share their advice and experience with me? I feel like a failure.

He wouldn't however ever hurt me or my child physically.

You don’t know this though. Don’t put yourself at risk. What are his behaviours that make you want to leave?

@another20 he has a temper problem and gets very angry and shouts and swears but I don't think would ever be physical.

Bump...

Before you leave you need to find a way of documenting his aggressive behaviour e.g. record it maybe? Audio or secret video on your phone. I'm not sure if it holds in court but it would make sense in case you need to make a case against him for childcare or whatever. I don't have experience of this kind of thing but I just think it would be sensible.

@jua890 I don't think I'll be able to. It's so unpredictable and in short bursts.

in that case keep a written private log on your phone of exactly what happened, date and time. It will show up in your favour if you ever need to go to court.

Moving next to your parents seems an excellent idea, as you'll be at a decent distance from him.

I you're afraid, don't tell him you're leaving. Just do it and when he's away.

After leaving keep ALL contact to written media (text, messenger, email...).

Your baby is still very small, so I'd keep to short visits and move to weekends if he shows to be reasonable and not threatening.

I've tried to contact women's aid for help but it's been going to voicemail for the past few hours.

Dont worry about finances, youd get help from tax credits/universal credits and he would also have to support your child with maintenance.

It sounds like your making the right decision and once youve left you will feel free. Its not a nice environment for children to grow up in and youd find your child would end up walking around on eggshells and scared too.

I think you can send them a message and ask to be called back when it's safe for you.

You won't have half the income coming in tho if you work part time and get benefits. Go to your parents and get back on your feet you will feel loads better.
Some might turn their nose up. Let them, it's better than being in a horrible relationship. In some respects being a single mum is easier. You make your own decisions and no one to have to consult.

Even though he's not nice, I feel so guilty leaving. I'm so worried about how access will work out and feel sick thinking of him sat at home as a single dad with two kids that don't live with him. One 30 miles away and one 170. It turns my stomach.

There's also the possibility your ds could grow up to be just like him if you stay together because your child would only know that. Get out now, leave him when he's out you won't look back. Good luck xx

Just seen your other thread. Honestly you need to get out of there. Are your parents or a friend from home. Able to help? I'd honestly wait for him to go to work one day and have someone ready to pack a car up and do one. Then you don't have to tell him and have a big confrontation. You can leave a letter and deal with the rest once you are out of the situation. He isn't a good dad if he's shouting and swearing at his 3month olds mum. He's a arsehole. He will get worse, they always do. Get out before your child remembers this. Sort out contact from your home town. Yes he will get contact but it's gonna make it a whole lot harder for him to be bothering you and interfering in your life from away away.

Isn't there a new law where you can find out if your partner has any previous convictions for DV? might be worth checking with the police as to why him and his ex split up and if he became violent towards her.

At least two women with his children have left him.
Why would you feel guilty?

Also, beware in future of such men. Most women won't leave the fathers of their children for no reason.
Or if he left them, it may not be the life long partner you want.
Check their past before committing to them.

He left because she cheated on him but I imagine she was also deeply unhappy (I knew him before we got together).

Hi there

OP I'm really sorry that you're in this situation and I know how absolutely terrifying it is being on the brink of a relationship break up when you have a baby.

Me and my ex split in August last year when DS was 6 months old. I was so scared for exactly the same reasons as you can I was frankly an emotional bloody wreck. My ex was aggressive - shouting, swearing, throwing stuff. Temper tantrums, mood swings, anti social all that jazz.

When we split I was devastated (God knows why, given the above.) I sobbed my little heart out every day for weeks.

7 months on..... LIFE IS AMAZING!!!! I don't know what else to tell you. It took a while but after the first few weeks it was like a light turned on and I could see what an absolute fucking arse hole I'd been living with and how unhappy he made me. I totally blossomed. Lost weight, grew confidence, made new friends, enjoyed life. All these things that simply were not possible when I was with me ex.

Financially, meh. I'm no worse off. I get a top up from the government via universal credits. They also help with childcare so you can work. Ex also pays a small amount of maintenance which covers the basics for DS. I can tell you absolutely categorically that financially you will be totally fine and the government will support you.

You've had some good advice up thread about packing up and leaving when your partner is out. For your and your child's safety this is the best thing to do.

Access wise - figure that out when things settle. Your baby is still very little and your partner might be a very good dad. If so, in time, you may even relish your child free time to give you a bit of a breather and time to enjoy with your friends or even a new partner (this could totally happen!!). For me though, ex only sees DS for 30 minutes a week so I'm in a totally different situation.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

@Lweji I feel like I've been so naive.

Oh OP

Well done on taking these first steps to leave. I cannot stress enough how much better being a single mum is than in a situation like you describe, not least for your son.

Moving near your parents is a great idea and your DS is at an age where if you wanted to you could meet a lot of new mum friends! I met a number of my closest friends in DDs early years through her.

Get excited about building a lovely happy little life for you and DS.

I spent a good couple of years thinking about leaving. I sat down one night and realised that if my DD came to me when she was older and told me she was in the relationship i was in at that time i would tell her that she should leave. I didn't want her growing up seeing the relationship i was in at that time thinking it was the norm because it wasnt.

I can't tell you the feeling i felt when i moved me and my DD into our own home. FREEDOM. Im not going to say it was easy but it was 100% easier than waking up every morning feeling miserable, walking on egg shells, having to sleep next to a man i no longer loved or even liked very much. I did not look back.

That 3.5 years ago now. Now im engaged to a man that my DD adores and who she sees adores me. At 7 she knows that a boy should treat a girl and what behaviour is acceptable and was is not. She sees her father weekly and we co-parent very well.

@YogaWannabe I'm excited, but for some reason guilt is eating me up...

Bottle that excitement and move that guilt away from a fully functioning thug of an man and feel guilty to your precious newborn if you stay with him. The stress you feel is being transmitted to your baby directly and will make him anxious and unsettled. He needs a parent 100% happy and engaged with him - not one dodging the thug, flinching and absorbed / preoccupied in sadness and stress.

Try to detach emotionally from your OH, do little things each day in secret to move out and then do it without telling him. Have you spoke to your Mum?