Husband not who I thought he was help!

[Lookslikealoneagain]

have name changed..

I am at a bit of a loss as my marriage seems to have come to an abrupt end after 8 years, although we've known eachother a lot longer than this as we met as teenagers. We have a 2 year old and I am devastated the affect this will have on him, separate Christmases, teasing from other kids etc.

Both have stressful jobs commuting but OH worked 10 hour shifts so did 4 days work and was able to look after our son two days a week and do nursery drop offs three days a week whilst I picked up, I looked after our son two days also. As a result of our schedule we would not see each other three days a week and then only for a one full weekend day which we tried to make a good day but frequently both so tired we would end up in an argument. But the reason we did it was to be as equal as possible e.g both be able to carry on our jobs full time whilst only having our son attend nursery part time instead of a full week. I thought this was ideal and was all agreed with oh but only now have I found out how much he resents it. I also found out he had been nearly £20K in debt recently (some now paid off) which was part due to porn webcams to satisfy his odd kinks and gaming apps. He admitted he didn't want our son when he found out I was pregnant but loves him now. I had mild PTSD when he was born as a result of his traumatic birth and he has brought up this said it made me paranoid (although I think this is him trying to reallocate blame!) It is quite a shock, he is not a great talker and never has been, I thought he was kind and sensitive but I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. At first I threw him out, then tried to talk things over but I am angry and hurt over the webcams and loss of trust from financial issues. He seems eerily calm, cold and emotionally detached from all of this has if he may have been planning it all along. Now we are living separately together he is stonewalling me, I don't know what my next move should be, this all happened over the space of two weeks. I am so sad for our son who I have only ever wanted the best for, I've only worked to try to give him a better life. We joint own our house there won't be much equity if it is split down the middle and after solicitors fees. I am sad to see our dreams go down the toilet, starting to feel very depressed and struggling to cope at work where I had recently started a new job. Can anyone help at all?

Get your paperwork together. Get a solicitor and get some advice about his debt.
He does not want the relationship as evidenced by his calmness.
Work out a plan for you and DS with out OH in it.
I doubt he will even want to do every other weekend from what you have said.

He checked out of this relationship a long time ago. Your DS will be fine - he will not get bullied etc and in fact will be much happier with a happy Mum.

I think you are right another20. I wishI had realised before how uninvested he was in it all. He never paid for any of the baby stuff or Christmas and birthday presents it was all me.
Before all talk broke down (not that there was much!) he was using access to our child as a weapon, I will seek advice asap but how does it work with custody? Of course I want him to see his dad but I have some concerns. I want to be living with my son! I wanted to be a working mum but my son is my world and it feels like he wants to use that against me.

Sounds like you just might make all his dreams come true then - pushing on an open door?

He might well push for 50:50 many men do just to punish the wife and to make a better cut financially - but this is almost always just a bully tactic that they don’t / can’t follow through - they don’t actually want to look after their kids. Seek some legal advice, think through your options and take control. Decide first if you want 50:50 or EOW etc. Then start the process once you kniw what options you have and what direction you want to go.

It gets a bit more complicated than that another20 as there is another empty nested family member very close to him who would love to claim our son as her own so may egg him on re custody at any cost. I hope she wants what is best for our son though not just herself and will see that he needs is to be with his mum and his dad. Part of me just wants the old relationship back when it worked (or at least when I thought it did!) I am still grieving for the loss I got married in good faith to a man I thought loved me. How did I end up in such a weird situation and feel terrible for our son, I don't believe either of us have done anything to deserve this.