Colleague at work should I be worried

[Acalavero]

There's a woman at dps work who is 40, she sits next to him and talks to him loads. Apparently, she is desperate to settle down n have kids just hasn't met the one...
She seems close to my dp as she has given him Christmas presents and to our daughters too ... I dunno if this is considered "normal" I try to imagine a male colleague doing vice Versa but I would think that be well weird!!

What upset me was, she asked to see a picture of me. Dp showed her a couple and she commented "she looks older than you"
This has bothered me tremendously- I am extremely self conscious about myself esp since having baby one year ago but also found it odd because majority of people say he opposite - In fact dp is always mistaken as ten years older. Not saying I look young I genuinely think I look my age but dp looks older than he is -he's grown a beard as well which helps this fact so I did find it quite odd she would say this?
Would you take this as a sign she is
Interested in dp? It's just after I told my mate she said she's said u look older because she is 6 years dps senior (and mine) so May have purposely said I look older so dp wouldn't see her age as a put off!

It's just got me all worried

Your problem is with your DP.

1. Is she really saying these things?
2. Why does he tell you?
3. Why is he giving her the message that this is appropriate?
4. Why doesn't he care how you feel?

He has told me she has said that? Why would he lie about that?
I thought I was being paranoid so r u saying her behaviour is unreasonable??

I have posted on here about a other situation with dp and a different colleague but got told by nearly all posters I was being paranoid hence why I wanted to see what people thought of this!

The comment on me looking older could that be intentional or am I being too sensitive?

I have no idea whether she is interested in your partner or not, but I'm pretty sure that he can tell that you feel uneasy about the things he's telling you. So the question is, why is he doing this? If you have pretended you're fine with it, why can't you tell him that it upsets you? Which it clearly does if you're posting about it here.

Fundamentally, you can't control what happens at work. You can tell him how you feel, how this has changed since you became a mother, and think about how he responds. If you need reassurance, talk to him. If you feel paranoid about his relationship with a colleague, don't you agree that your issue is with him, not her? Either you trust him or you don't. Working with single females shouldn't cause this sort of angst.

Considering you've literally just posted about concerns your 60yr old recently bereaved NDN is also after your DP. I think you may need to reflect on why you're thinking these thoughts? Maybe you need to speak to someone professional if you've been struggling.

@FlyingMonkeys

My previous MN account isn't working after trying to log onto it for months so made new account n this situation has happened months ago just building up so really wanted advice on this as the comments are still raw

The neighbour thing is ongoing and recent. But u do have a point. I am very down with no self confidence it's gotten worse after second dd I feel like my whole looks have changed

Crikey I've just seen the other two threads started tonight.

You need to stop this. None of this is healthy.

It may not be healthy but I'd like to bet it's OPs DH making her like this. Meanwhile, she'll be seen as the neurotic woman.

There was no reason whatsoever for him to tell OP that a woman he is close with at work (a) asked to see her photo and (b) said she looks old. That is not acceptable - he's no more 'healthy' than OP is.

Aside from that he's likely leading the woman at work on, & God knows who else.

I don't know what else to say OP other than if you let this 1 man make you feel so bad in the 1 life that you have, then that will be a real shame.

@Acalavero, your partner has weak boundaries and a sense of entitlement to pursue ego-boosts from other women at your expense.

I’ve commented on your neighbor thread, but didn’t see one about another colleague. Your partner and the neighbor are developing an emotional connection that may have begun before her ill 84 yr old husband’s recent death. She is in her 50s or maybe 60 and your partner considers her attractive. He is enjoying the ego-boost and is rubbing your nose in it.

She refuses to acknowledge your presence, and once at your home when you approached them and spoke to her, she totally blanked you to your face, and continued focusing solely on your partner for the next hour. He allowed it. They now visit frequently, but he always maneuvers to see her outside or elsewhere, totally excluding you. She also ignores you if you see and speak to her on the street. He dismisses your feelings and concern about their inappropriate behavior, while telling you she is attractive. He is taking her out alone soon. (Not far-fetched, I’ve known several women her age who dated men in their 30s and 40s.)

Regarding the situation at hand, I agree with @SearchingForSeaGlass’s 4 points. The whole thing with the photo was inappropriate. Their conversation, his telling you, his obvious desire to insult you and put you on the back foot.

He is happy to disrespect you and treat you with contempt. I wouldn’t be with such a man.

It may not be healthy but I'd like to bet it's OPs DH making her like this. Meanwhile, she'll be seen as the neurotic woman.

Or he is saying something different and op is twisting it. I know someone who will badger their partner into answering questions such 'do you think she is attractive?' Until they get the answer they feel is right. They read things that aren't there and twist it until it's something different.

It's actually impossible to say who is at fault. Op clearly feels insecure and feels that she is the less attractive one now. Again wether that's true or even matters isn't important. What is important is that op thinks every woman is after her do. That's unlikely to be true too.

Op you and dp need some counselling together. Either he enjoys the female attention and rubbing your nose in it, or you need some help.

In reality, people on the internet can't really tell you which it is.

If this woman did say that, then yes it's a bit weird and not nice. I think you need to question why,you dp would actually tell you that.
This is the their tread you have made about your dp since yesterday. Either you are a troll or you should see someone about your insecurities.

I find it odd that your DP seems eager to relay conversations that play to your insecurities.

If this happened and work colleague did say that you look older then it was a nasty mean spirited remark that did not need to be relayed to you at all. He could have shut that conversation down and replied that he thinks that you look beautiful and he loves you to bits. He has relayed a nasty comment knowing full well it would hurt your feelings and has made you feel shit about yourself. Why would he do that? What purpose does it serve other than to knock your confidence?

I know it is considered bad form to refer to other threads but in this case they are linked and are relevant to this situation as it gives a bigger picture of what is happening.

On a separate thread - DP is also going out of his way to make you feel uncomfortable by taking your recently widowed neighbour out for a meal to cheer her up while also inadvertently telling you that he finds her attractive. He has also been invited round to her house to share a drink with her. Your partner also thinks it is fine to allow this lady to rudely ignore you to such an extent that she blanks you and refuses to acknowledge you when you speak to her. Again why would he make you feel insecure like that?

On a separate thread - You talk about not feeling attractive anymore and how years ago you had lots of compliments but now the roles are reversed and your DP is now receiving more attention.

These are unusual situations that are occurring simultaneously so either your DP is deliberately behaving this way to make you feel like shit, or you are perhaps feeling a little vulnerable at the moment and would benefit from some counselling to build your confidence again.

I think this is a double whammy, you are feeling insecure and no longer as attractive, he however seems to either have no sensitivity or likes the feeling that he now gets the attention, which is pretty nasty on his part. I would make an effort to improve your self esteem, bang the slap on , do your hair etc and think bollocks to him! Would also tell him that nope he doesn’t take out recently widowed women who he finds attractive on his own as you don’t find it ok

Thank you everyone for your replies, I want to reply separately but at work at the moment so have just quickly read the messages.

I honestly thought I would be told I was being over dramatic and paranoid I am glad people have pointed out that him doing his is nasty

Tbh, i actually didn't even think about that but you're all right - him telling me this is nasty in itself! In one way I thought he was winding me up as it's a common thing/mickey taking that friends n family of ours say he looks old!! So I sometimes joke with him as he is going bald about him being a twice his age etc so tbh I couldn't really call him out on this as friends of mine always comment they think he's older than he is
However, it did extremely hurt my feelings because it's another woman who may or may not fancy him (?!)
But again ur all right maybe it's an ego boost COs he's fed up of being called the old one n that comment made him feel good (whether or not she was playing into this who knows?)

I want to address him when he gets back he's working away two weeks n Iv noticed recently some of the things he's said/done are causing me upset.

@Boysandbuses

Hand on my heart I have not twisted anything or embellished what I've written in any way
Hence why I prefer to ask for verifications and advice on MN as I know the response will be neutral and not biased opposed to me asking my friends; most of them don't like dp anyway so I know their advice will be skewed

He honestly just came out with this one time when we were eating dinner. I was shocked and so hurt. I honestly could have burst in to tears when he told me but I tried to act jokey n just asked what pics he'd shown her n said oh u n the kids were probably doing my head in so I aged a bit but inside I was dying. I am really insecure as it is
I do think everyone is right in he was wrong to do this as it's made me feel like shit

Stand by the courage of your own convictions, OP.

A married man who actively seeks out the company of other women, furthermore allows them to be derogatory to his wife, is not a decent man at all. No matter what spin some may try to put on it to its excuse that disrespectful, nasty, disloyal behaviour.

He is spoiling your relationship and home life.

In your shoes I would throw him out. Since he thinks he's all that and more, and craves outside validation from women to a ridiculous extent, let him go off and exercise his vanity playing the big lover boy out there then. See how long they put up with his silly immature games.

Good luck with your chat with him. & Look after yourself

Based on the summary given by a PP of other threads, there seems to be two issues at play. One is your total lack of self esteem since having your DCs, and the other is the behaviour of your DP.

Taking out a recently widowed NDN, and telling you he finds her attractive is really not on. If he's aware of your insecurities then this is actually emotionally abusive. I find the colleague thing a bit weird too. It's bad enough this woman is buying your DP a Christmas gift, but why on earth would she buy things for your DDs? I assume she doesn't know your kids and hasn't met them? If this is true then she's overstepping the boundaries at work and your DP should be declining the gifts and saying it's not appropriate.

I would suggest you sit down with your DP and discuss this as calmly as possibly and express how these behaviours are hurting you and affecting your self esteem, without sounding accusatory. I would suggest too that you don't continue to joke at your DPs expense - about going bald or looking older. Maybe he finds those comments difficult and sees this as a way to get his own back a bit.

I think it's very telling that most of your friends don't like your dp.

Why is that, do you think?

@EyeOfTheTigger

Dp can be emotionally abusive to me, but never would have thought this would be classed as EA. Shows my naivety.
I do think it's because everyone's always pinned him as the "older" one he was a teacher and students would put him at late 40s that was when he was 30 so I guess the fact she said this was savoured by him.
The point though is did she say that because she likes him? I was asking what posters thought about why she would say it? Maybe I did look older in those pics but I just think it's a bit weird, like if it was me to a male colleague of mine I wouldn't come out with "she looks older than You" I'd probably ask her age just to show politeness.

@EyeOfTheTigger

Yes exactly the gift thing was definitely weird, you're the only one on this post who has identified that so I'm glad I'm not just being paranoid!
It was actually just some chocolate coins, and she said to dp to give them to your daughters as they would like them"
I'm not sure if it was maybe an unwanted gift or something she had lying around in the house? Dp didn't say he just told me she'd given them to our dds as a Christmas gift, it does make me wonder

You don't know for certain what she said, you say your dp can be emotionally abusive and this is abuse, he is upsetting you, it's not fair on you. You need to ignore his comments if you can, you are worth more than this, forget about women fancying him, he is just an ordinary person, try not to let him see you upset. If he starts aking these comments switch off, think about something nice, leave the room as soon as you can.

@wigglypiggly
Thank you ❤️