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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

all over the place (sorry long)

25 replies

brokenandinbits · 10/02/2019 21:09

am not sure what advice I need really

background - been with DH 15 years, married for 10. Only man I've ever loved. he cheated on me several times before we married - only one I know for sure. I found out he slept with a colleague, he broke down, asked me not to tell her dh, proposed weeks later. 18 months later we married and have 2 beautiful children. Life hasn't always been easy - have lost 3 parents between us. but I don't think in all that time he has ever cheated again, he is a great dad too. he has his faults - people say he is rude and selfish but I love him so much and know he has a good heart.

I've gone through hell the past six months with serious false accusations made against me at work. now been proved as false but as a result have lost a lot of money, my self esteem shattered and confidence broken. relationship was really tested, dh sometimes supportive, sometimes not. I will fully admit I've been hard to live with, crying, upset, down all the time, sex life non existent. without going into too much detail, the situation has been all consuming for me. I'm on antidepressants and beta blockers. now going through a stressful tribunal.

I went away recently for three days. DH was working but also looked after kids at night. DH dropped kids to childcare, I know he was at work for at least two of the three days. I came home and he was in a bad mood with me. I felt something was off and for some reason looked in our bedroom drawer. I saw that there were 7 new condoms. we use them (admittedly not for a while) but these were new. I asked him about them straight away. he said he had bought as wanted us to have sex when I was back as had missed me. he said he bought a pack of six and then had used one on himself. I said the numbers don't add up, he then said he had bought 12 and used multiple condoms on himself more than once. I don't think I believe him. but I can't think logically. he was at work. the kids did stay at home (after picking up from child minder). kids are old enough for him to not risk anyone coming round. I don't think he would have had time or inclination to use that many!

we have gone round in circles on this. I don't trust him/he is telling truth/he loves me/ I love him/he doesn't know if he would love me if he met me now/theres no one else/i'm hard to love

what the hell do I do. I am losing my mind. he won't talk about anymore, if I ask him to, he says he's had enough.

I feel like ending it all as nothing in my control but I have done nothing wrong (at work or home, although I admit our relationship has been up and down and has been no intimacy because of me). I spoke to Samaritans for an hour tonight, I want to kill myself but I love my kids so much to do that. I love my husband so much and want to make this work (please be kind)

someone please help.

sorry I know long and such a mess.

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 10/02/2019 21:34

sorry is so long and such a mess but would really appreciate any advice xx

OP posts:

Newyearnewunicorn · 10/02/2019 21:41

Could you book an urgent appointment with your gp in the morning? Make sure you are able to function and be there for your children first then sort the rest.
It sounds like you’re having an extremely difficult time x

bluebell34567 · 10/02/2019 21:47

i hope everything goes well with your tribunal and you get back your losses.
have a talk with your husband saying you having a really hard time with your work situation (he should know already anyway) and you need all his support not any red flags.
going to gp is a good idea. you may get support there.
please try to take it easy, this will pass.
wish you well .

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 10/02/2019 21:54

thank you for replies

Gp in morning is good advice

Im just numb, heart broken and can't make sense of much right now

OP posts:

pog100 · 10/02/2019 21:56

The business with your husband sounds very fight and I would trust your instincts on it. However, I think I'd put it on a back burner while you get the tribunal and your mental health sorted out. Reach out to everyone and anyon situation.e, accept help. When that's all sorted, then it's time to work on what to do about your relationship, which doesn't sound very healthy at all. The best of luck OP you sound like you are doing ok in a very difficult

IRanSoFarAway · 10/02/2019 22:03

So sorry to hear you have had a terrible time at work, then having to deal with these personal issues and also looking after young children which can be very stressful.
Agree with above posters, try and get help from GP, do you have other family support.
Hope things improve soon, be kind to yourself

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 10/02/2019 22:14

thank you

am struggling to deal with everything at once

I get I haven't been easy to live with but also so sad that he couldn't have seen this through...or maybe its me....

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 10/02/2019 22:32

I feel like I have put people off replying by mentioning Samaritans. I promise am in a stable frame of mind now - it really helped - and will see my GP in morning

would really appreciate any advice though

OP posts:

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 11/02/2019 06:33

I haven't had a great night and will see my GP today. Having cuddles with my babies as DH has left for work. He didn't say a word to me this morning, or last night when I finally went up to bed.

Can anyone please give me advice on DH. I feel like I'm going crazy.

OP posts:

WhiteVixen · 11/02/2019 06:43

Why do people say he is rude and selfish?

SortingItOut · 11/02/2019 06:49

I don't want to accuse your DH of anything but the chances of him using a condom on himself are very slim, all the men I know hate the feel of condoms and say they don't get the same sensations so why would you use one on yourself??

It depends where your boundaries are on this issue, if just having condoms with some being used is a big no, then you need to ask him to leave but if you are ok with it and will accept his word for it then you can stay together and work through this.

Blanking/silent treatment is a common way of men dealing with accusations, they are either worried that they might say something that implicates them further or they hope by not talking about anything you end up feeling uncomfortable and sorry that you accused them that it all gets brushed under the carpet.

My STBEXH did this technique for 17 years, it worked each time , as well as him threatening to kill himself each time I found he had messaged other women, finally last year I told him to leave - he hasn't got over the shock of me not putting up with his behaviour any longer.

SortingItOut · 11/02/2019 06:49

Just wanted to say that I am now leaving for work and won't be on until later if you have any questions specifically for me.

Weenurse · 11/02/2019 06:58

I agree with other posters, concentrate on mental health first and sorting out work issue.
Sit oH down and relationally tell him what is going on.
Tell him you are seeking help from your GP.
Inform him of timeline for tribunal.
Then tell him you plan to focus on your relationship with him and the children.
No crying or emotion, just pure conversation.
He needs to know you have s plan
Good luck

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 11/02/2019 07:03

Thank you for replies. Am struggling to deal with everything at once. The condom story doesn't add up does it. He won't talk about it anymore as says he told me what happened and that's it. Up to me whether I believe him or not.

OP posts:

Sadiesnakes · 11/02/2019 07:14

Your mental health should be first and foremost op, it does sound like you are in crisis and need emergency help.
You are asking for opinions on your dh. It's highly unlikely he's used condoms on himself. As pp said, most men don't like the feel of condoms at the best of times, so to use one alone doesn't really make sense. He also messed up his story on the numbers, so if I was in your position I wouldn't believe a word of it. Can you check his phone, computer history to possibly find out more? It's unlikely he'll be honest with you so you will only have to go on the off chance he's been slack deleting any messages, appointments, and your gut instincts. I'm sorry you've had such a crappy time op, and now have this to deal with.

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 11/02/2019 07:18

I've just found out he has cheated. I feel sick.

OP posts:

Brightburn · 11/02/2019 07:35

I'm sorry for what you're going through atm

Honestly I think it would be best for you to leave your DH. By leave I mean kick him out. He has been unfaithful and unsupportive. Your don't need the added stress of a cheating husband. It will be hard but you might even feel better in the end now all the paranoia can stop.

Concentrate on yourself and your beautiful DC's. You don't need a man

Weenurse · 11/02/2019 07:39

We he is a bastard, knowing what you are going through and now this.
Do NOT do the ‘pick me’ dance.
Get your papers together and focus on the practical.
Bank statements, pension statements, debts and savings.
Grab passports and other documents and copy. Give originals to some one you trust, then take a breath.
You don’t have to make any hasty decisions once you have got the financials sorted.
Any joint savings? If so open a new account and move half before he thinks about it himself.
So sorry you are going through this 💐

Arriettyborrower · 11/02/2019 07:40

How have you found out?

I feel for you, such a horrendously hard time, but he has to go. He is doing nothing for you and bringing nothing but pain to your relationship. Be strong OP, you can do this.

Original poster

brokenandinbits · 11/02/2019 09:32

I feel ashamed and embarrassed. I feel broken. I have no one to turn to.

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 11/02/2019 09:41

I’m sorry, it’s his doing and no reflection on you. If someone’s going to cheat they’d do it to anyone, no matter how amazing you are so please please don’t take it personally or that it’s your fault

MumCatx2 · 11/02/2019 10:00

Just keep in mind that you have a future, it may not be the one you want, it may not be with him, but it can still be wonderful. Personally, i don't see cheating as the immediate end of a relationship. Men think very differently about sex and can be committed and love their wives and have sex elsewhere. You are in a whirlwind right now. Give it time, space, let the initial emotion pass. I have been a single parent, and its a wonderful life. I found a new and better partner and thats a great life too. Breathe, cry, wait.

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2019 10:10

Men can be committed and love their wives and have sex elsewhere?! You need to raise your standards @mumcat

Do you have some real life support op? Did you still go to the doctor? He's a shitbag but you don't need me to tell you that

SortingItOut · 11/02/2019 20:10

@brokenandinbits

I know its really tough right now but at least you know the truth and can make decisions based on that rather than wondering if what he had told you was the truth.

He is a twunt of the highest order cheating on you anyway but to do it when you are so unwell is beyond belief.

I hope you managed to see the GP today and get some help.

Remember your children are everything, you can manage without him - build a new life without him.

beansontoastfortea · 11/02/2019 20:17

Op how did you find out, you must feel beyond shitty right now and so upset. Hope you come back here for support

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