Honest opinions on co-parenting issues, please

[1plus3plus1]

Evening all,

I'm having a difference of opinion with my ex-husband about a couple of situations, and I was hoping you would have some wise words to help me.

We divorced last year, and have 4 kids aged between 4-9 years old. He has them every other weekend at his flat, and looks after them two evenings a week at my house while I stay away.

The first argument is about physical safety - I found out recently that last summer, on a number of occasions, he let all the kids go to the playground without him. I've not been to his flat, but he says it's on the first floor and his windows overlook the playground. The kids therefore go down 1 flight of stairs, across a road in a quiet cul-de-sac, and into the playground. He says that he keeps a constant eye on them when he is cooking. My issue is that effectively he is asking the oldest one (who is only 9) to supervise the younger ones (the youngest of whom was either 3 or 4 at the time). I'm really unhappy with this, but he says that I should trust his judgement. I don't know whether he has considered how quickly he could get down there in an emergency, how many other accesses there are to the cul-de-sac, how frequently cars drive on the road (aren't quiet roads actually more dangerous for kids because they are not expecting cars to move and therefore relax their road awareness?).

This is the crux of problem, I think. The divorce has not been pleasant (I have another thread on here somewhere if you want the background), and so I can't tell whether my personal negative views towards him are clouding my judgement. He says I'm very risk averse. I don't think I am, and I think he takes too many risks (he has a long history of personal risky behaviour as well). I also think that he should have discussed this with me before the first time so that we could agree whether or not to do it together. I think that I encourage the kids to be independent- the big 2 go to the local shop on their own (which I discussed with him and got agreement for in advance), I'm pretty hands off in playgrounds, encourage tree climbing etc etc.

So, am I too risk averse? Or is he taking too many risks? Would you be happy to let your children be alone in the situation described above? I'm completely muddled as to the rights and wrongs here!

The second situation concerns his new partner. He told me on Friday that (and I'm quoting from his message) "he was going to introduce them to my girlfriend who I've been with since last summer". I assumed on reading that that he meant they would meet in a park or something similar for a couple of hours to get to know each other. I am completely fine with him having a new partner.

However, when I rang the kids to say goodnight on Sat evening, my youngest informed me that the girlfriend would be sleeping in Daddy's bed overnight.

I'm really upset by this - all the info online suggests introducing new partners very slowly, especially when the divorce is still quite recent. The oldest 2 have both had therapy over the past year recommended by school due to the impact on them of us splitting up. Plus the youngest still comes into bed in the middle of the night, with both me and with his Dad. On Sat night he tried to get into bed with his Dad and was taken back to his own bed instead.

I don't know how to address this. Whatever I say is met with a defensive response that I can't tell him what to do, and that I'm trying to be too controlling.

All I want to do is safeguard the children's emotional well-being. If the relationship with his girlfriend lasts, then I truly hope that she makes him a happier person, and is loving and supportive to the kids. But I feel like he's taken it from nothing to 100% very quickly, against all evidence, and this makes me trust his judgement even less.

So, please tell me - am I worrying over nothing, or is this something that I should try to pursue to see if we can reach some common agreement with which to move forward?

I would personally be ok with the park thing but not with the girlfriend thing. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do, especially if he is not the reasonable type. Does he have the ability to see it from the kids point of view, that things are moving too fast for them and littlest one still needs him overnight?

And my opinion is opposite to Senseiwu. I would definitely not be okay with a three/four year old going to a park being supervised by a nine year old. Even though he says he watches them out the window whilst cooking, there are going to be short periods where he won’t be looking. But I would be okay with the gf only because he says he has been seeing her for a few months so obviously feels it’s going to be a long term thing. He is going a bit fast with the overnight thing, but he won’t react well if you try to dictate when he should have his gf there.

I agree with livelove. I would be unhappy with the children going to the park and while it is not ideal the girlfriend staying over would be less of a concern.

Ha ha, a tie so far! That's useful, and it's interesting that people can have completely opposite views.

I do appreciate that I can't dictate anything. At the same time, I want to have a good, co-operative parenting relationship for the next 20 years or so until they are all independent, plus I want to make sure the long term impact of us separating is as minimal as possible. So I feel that I need to be clear in my own mind when it is worth pushing an issue, and when I should just leave it be.

I don't think either of them are ok. A 9 year old should not be responsible for siblings that much younger. If somethings happens they will feel awful and actually could feel quite anxious about the responsibility. The GF isn't great either. A slow introduction would have been best and especially as one of the children still gets into bed in the night and now can't is going to feel put out and confused. Sadly I don't think there is much you can do other than raise your concerns the best way you can and keeping the dialogue going with your children so they can let you know how they really feel about the situations they find themselves in. I'm accused of being too risk averse by ex too. Well every non medical a&e attendance have been on his watch including stitches for two of mine.

Even if he is wrong about the girlfriend, you don't really have any right to meddle in that - you can't reasonably have any say there so I think it would be pointless to complain and sour your co-parenting relationship. Just focus on supporting your children.

The park/supervision thing, I would try to come to an agreement or compromise there. The big issue is the 9 year old having to be responsible for a 4 year old.

Yes, the majority of injuries have been on his watch, and he has made some extremely questionable decisions about his own safety in the past.
I think he just doesn't think through all the possible consequences, and then decide which ones he wants to mitigate against, which is what I try to do. Which is strange because he is apparently quite good at strategy at work, so he does have the necessary skills, just doesn't apply them to his personal life.

Bumping for more opinions!

I have a very difficult ex. I had to learn to let go of what he does on his time, the girlfriend is his decision. He will just accuse you of being jealous etc. The park thing is difficult, i have friends who do this, depends on the behaviour of the kids, etc. Perhaps speak to childrens services to see if they think its an issue, it could be considered irresponsible parenting. Ultimately, you have raised your concern, but you don't have control.

The girlfriend I wouldn't have a problem with. Nothing to do with you who is around your children on his time unfortunately and vice versa on your time. The park thing I would have a major issue with. My three year old runs off all the time onto different equipment. It wouldn't be fair on the oldest to supervise all the younger children. Your ex is being lazy and selfish to not want to walk to a park a couple of minutes away.

I'm not sure whether I'd have a problem with the park thing, to be honest. I think 9 is a bit too young to be the oldest with 3 other siblings and I understand that you're worried. But if it really is a quiet cul-de-sac and he is constantly watching, then I think I'd overlook it.

I'd be really angry about the girlfriend thing. I don't agree with people who say that it's his choice and you can't do anything. If you don't think it's appropriate and you wouldn't do it, then he should follow the same rules and respect it, I think to co-parent you have to be on the same page and you're clearly not with this situation. There's absolutely no way I'd have a partner stay over that quick with 4 children in the house, and if DS's dad did that I'd be furious. That'd be a big emotional transition, not just safeguarding (which is a big thing too).

I would not be happy with either.

The park one he is too far away and cannot intervene if there is a problem. It's not like they are in the garden. What if the kids had a fight or the 4yo had a temper tantrum and decided to go off down the road? By the time he run down the stairs the child would be gone. Supervising 3 other children is quite a demanding job, I wouldn't ask a 9yo to do - while she looked after one of the little ones, the other one could climb somewhere unsafe and have an accident.

The GF sleepover is far too soon, but not much you can do about that. Maybe the GF can take the DCs to the park?! At least there would be an adult present then,.

I would have a major issue with the park thing. I have a close family member in the police force and he says if people knew how many sex offenders are out there they would be horrified. I remember a thing on TV some years ago whereby a test was done on a group of children in a park who had all been warned by their parents many times of the danger of going off with strangers. This scenario in the park was set up and filmed and the parents of the children watched what would happen. They all said in advance that their children would never go with a stranger. An old grandfatherish figure came in the park and said to the children individually that he had lost his dog and would they help him to find it. They all went with him. The parents who were watching couldn't believe it. Parks these days can be dangerous places for unaccompanied little children. A definite no no from me.

p.s. to my post above, I could imagine a situation whereby something did happen to a young unaccompanied child in a park - I think most people would be saying 'what kind of parent leaves a young child alone in a park.'

Men just don't care about children in the way women do. Unfortunately when the Mum dies or when men look after them after divorce, this becomes obvious. There is nothing you can do about it. Lots try to palm them off onto their mothers.

Thanks everyone.

I think I will leave the girlfriend thing - as you say, it's not my business even though I think it is too fast.

The playground thing is different though, and I think I will have to raise it again. I might approach it by suggesting we do a risk assessment together. I'm hoping this will help him to think about possible consequences without him feeling like I'm telling him what to do.

Does that sound sensible? I'm dreading it though, as the last conversation about it did not go well.

I would not be OK with the park thing at all. My DS is almost 6 and neither myself nor my ex husband would let him go anywhere without an adult present. It's not safe to do so where we live.

The girlfriend thing I wouldn't be happy about but there's not much you can do about that.

I wouldn't be ok with the park thing. However I think, as some who has to co-parent with their ex, expecting to be making these decisions together is unrealistic.

My 8 year old goes to the shop on his own here. It's a house that been converted 10 doors down. I can see the door of shop and have known the owners for years. Exh doesn't think it's ok. My opinion is that I can see him all the way there and all the way, it make him feel grown up and he enjoys it.

It's my decision to make. I am not going to contact exh to make decisions. But I wouldnt expect him to contact me.

As for the pp above who said what her police friend said about sex offenders, if you start thinking like that your kids won't go anywhere. My dad is on his 32nd year on the police, he has worked on lots of sex offenders cases and points out that your kids are more at risk from their male relatives or their parents friends, than a random sex offender

See, this is why people stay in shit miserable relationships. Because the other parent is fucking useless.
People risk manage by staying and being miserable but at least they can say they kept their kids safe.
They mitigate the other parents uselessness with their own misery.

Hi

I wouldn't be happy with either and have had similar issues with my ex husband (well, legally not ex yet).
I found out a couple of weeks ago that on his weekends he leaves them to go for a long training run but leaves them in bed and runs at least 9 miles. My children are older than yours but not old enough in my opinion to be left for that long, that early, with no way of him getting back to them quickly if anything happens (he's not Mo Farrah). They are also not the most 'street-wise' or mature kids.
My ex had an affair and he introduced the kids to his gf after 6 months, which I was unhappy about, considering the circumstances and how much us separating upset them. Sadly, there's not much I can do about the gf thing but I did tell him I wasn't happy about leaving them on their own for so long and being so far away so I'm hoping he doesn't do that again. Do your long runs when you don't have the children dickhead.

Co-parenting is tough isn't it, especially when you are trying to manage your own feeling towards your ex and what he's done to your family.

The issue with park is tricky. I’m not going to agree or disagree with you as some parents would be ok and some not. This board will probably give you a bias opinion, one post shows some worrying prejudice.

You do not think it is ok. He does. The question is how do you both resolve the problem. Because it is problem unless you are going to drop it. Through good natured discussion, the courts or something in between. I can’t answer tell how best to go about it. I don’t know you or him.

But what strikes me is that he lives in a flat opposite a playground, in visible sight. It doesn’t take a genius to work out we’re the pressure is coming from when daddy is busy making dinner. He could hand them all iPads but you know what that is just as risky and unhealthy. So if you are going to talk to him, be helpful not critical. Try for a compromise. Which I think might be in sight if the GF sticks.

Finally, he shouldn’t be looking after his children in your home. Let them go to him. I expect if you did go to court he would challenge this. I would in his shoes.

OP I would definitely sort the park issue out, that is not acceptable what he's doing.

Re the girlfriend, i wouldnt like it but i would accept is as a "choose your battles" strategy. The main thing is to not convey your unease about this to your kids. If they see you are not upset about it then they will take their cue from you and just accept it without too much upset.

I agree with you on both points. Can’t decide which is worse!

Park = no, absolutely not.
Children than young on their own, 9 year old with responsibility for THREE younger siblings. NO WAY!

Girlfriend introduction - tricky! I’d not like how quickly he was staying over. Think that’s really tricky for the kids to understand so soon. Slowly, slowly would have been best. But realistically what can you do ??
Whatever you say on this will not go down well. I think you just need to hope that she’s a keeper, is lovely and they build a solid family unit together who will accept and support your children.