Is my partner boarding on abusive?

[LilySB]

Where to start! I’m at a point where I dont think I can’t take anymore, plus my youngest son is worrying me so my emotions are completely all over the place.
I have been with my partner for 15 years which have been full of good and bad times. The bad times though have weighed me down over the years, he is a drinker but not a good one, it turns him nasty. Me being the patient and easy going person I am, I just put up with it, anything for an easy life.
He moved in with me and my 2 kids and there were difficult days. The eldest is now grown up and has his own house so 3 years ago my partner, myself and my youngest son who was 20, decided to move to a different house for business reasons. Just before moving my son and partner had a fall out, he was drunk and being nasty so my son stood up for me. The next day my partner decided he would not let my son join us. I stood by my partner, even though I was so torn and my son stayed where he was. His friend moved in with him to share the rent and as it’s only a 10 min drive away I hoped he would be ok. My first problem is that his friend has moved back home and although my son works, he cannot afford to pay the bills on his own and I do not have enough money to help out. The house is rented so I cannot move anyone else in. It means he has to find somewhere else to live and he has told me he is scared. He has a wonderful nature but has no confidence, he was in and out of hospital for several years and nearly died when he was 2 so not had a great life having to deal with issues at home too. I know my partner would not want him here with us so I have not raised the issue. I feel like I am making him homeless and it’s causing me pain.
My second problem is my partner now has anger issues when sober. We run a business together and over the past six months it’s got worse to the point where I’m at breaking point. He calls me awful names, breaks things, tells me I’m useless, threatens to hurt me and generally makes me feel so sad and at times afraid of him. I have spoken to him about this on several occasions and how it makes me feel. Ive now been sleeping in another room following several rages last week and am so low, crying everyday but also totally confused as I’ve always done everything for him and I’ve worked so hard to build the business with him. He tells me he loves me and would do anything for me and he doesn’t understand why I’m being so negative towards him. I have no interest in the business, I can’t focus, my memory is shot to bits and I know we need to talk but I’m not in a good place, my head is saying leave but my heart is saying stay as I do love him.

Yes, he sounds abusive. He doesn't treat you with respect at all :(

Yes, he is abusive. I understand that 20 is old enough to live on your own, but if he wants to live with you, that should be a decision both you and your partner are happy with - he should not lay down the law. He should not be aggressive to you , sober or drunk , and you should not be afraid to bring up your concerns about your son with him. I would not stay with this man.

OP, I think there’s an obvious solution here. Leave this man and move back in with your son. I think it’s a very easy choice between them. Abuse usually escalates - don’t wait until he starts hitting you.

He’s an abusive arsehole. Get out and move in with your son

There is no way I would ever put any man before my children adult or not.

I have adult kids and a new partner. If he made me choose it would be a no brainer.

And yes he is abusive.

Go live with your son. That's what I would do I think. It's a solution to both problems.

I'm so sad for your son, that you chose this fuckwad over him. No wonder he has confidence issues.

Not sure why you dont know what to do. Obviously you cant live with someone who threatens to hurt you. You've got to leave.

Try to make up to your son for the terrible thing you did to him.

He’s full on abusive; he’s managed to make you pick him over your son when your son did nothing wrong.
My abusive ex stated off by being angry and abusive after drinking then it started when he was sober. Please leave him before it gets worse.
You have somewhere to go and your business is not worth your safety, your happiness, your mental health and your relationship with your so

He is abusing you, please find the strength to leave.
Show your son how important he is to you and put him first.
If he is threatening you with violence, I would do this without discussion, go when he’s out and log his previous threats with the police.

Thanks all for your messages. I keep telling myself I’m over thinking this and that everything will be fine, he does love and care for me so I just needed to talk about it and get advise as I have no one I can confide in. It’s just hard to come to terms with this and the thought of telling him fills me with dread.

But if everything was 'fine' (which it isn't and won't be) where is your son going to live? Why, even though he is 20, aren't you thinking about him?

The answer is so obvious and so easy. Go and live with your son.

Your poor son. Honestly, I'm not sure how you could choose such a horrible man over him, but I'm going to assume it's because you are being controlled so much.

There is a really straightforward (in theory) solution here though, move out out from your partner and in with your son. Remove yourself from the business and get a job. Move on with your life.

Oh and your partner does not love and care for you, not at all. I'm sorry.

You chose your partner over your son. Over both your sons.

I am sorry, but you are an alien species to me. I simply cannot imagine ever, under any circumstances EVER doing that.

The fact you are wittering on about does he love and care for you when you have utterly failed to love and care for your own sons - words fail me.

the thought of telling him fills me with dread

you dont tell him anything??? Surely? Why would you tell someone who's literally threatened your physical safety that youre planning on leaving? He'll kill you ffs.

Just go. Leave. Dont try to get him onside?

Please don’t think that, I do love and care for both of my sons who are 35 and 23. I bought them up on my own for 6 years, a devouted mother. I speak, text and see them both every weekend. My youngest is a couple of doors down from my parents too. I battle with myself everyday that I left my youngest to live with my partner but after 15 years of walking on eggshells you loose the very essence of you, your voice and what you believe in. Yes I am weak, I have failed the ones I love and I feel a failure but I am now trying to find some courage and I know the first step is accepting the truth hence why I reached out on here which took a lot for me. I am in an abusive relationship and it has broken me in many ways, even now I dread tomorrow as I know what is coming

I came on to say how appalling it is that you chose your horrible partner over your son, especially as it sounds like he was brave enough to stick up for you.

But your last message has softened my approach somewhat. It sounds like you're seeing things clearly at last. It must have been very hard for them, seeing you with him. It's not too late to put things right. Talk to your boys, and make a plan to leave this abusive excuse for a man.