Coping with an over-stressed friend

[Anonymum40]

A good longtime friend of mine is struggling with her teenage daughter's mental health issues. It has been awful and very stressful, especially as she is self harming and suicidal.

The thing is my friend has taken to phoning me every day for up to an hour at a time to discuss it all. I have a couple of other friends who have had similar issues with their daughters and I think she thinks this makes me an expert. I answer the phone and she launches straight into a diatribe about the daughter, her friends, her periods, the school, the boyfriend, the medication, the side effects...

The thing is I feel like I'm not really her friend anymore just an ear on the phone. I'm not really offering any great advice - I ran out of that months ago. She lives in another country and I haven't seen her in years face to face. This situation has been going on for months and months, I want to be supportive but I now dread the phone ringing and quite often don't answer which makes me feel guilty. I have a feeling she's suffering from her own anxiety and stress and ought to get help but not sure how to point her in the right direction...

Friendships are a bit like emotional joint accounts. Both should pay in equal amounts and one should not just withdraw constantly without topping up the balance. Next time she calls, stop her right there and tell her that you expect her to talk about you and your life too. You are not a trained therapist who listens to people for a living. I used to be woken up by so-called friends in the middle of the night for whatever crisis they just went through and then when all well, would not hear from them. I realised that I had become the designated shoulder to cry on and yet these people did not give me any proper support while I went through bereavement and trauma myself. I understand that you might rally round for someone during a crisis but that should be time-sensitive and not indefinite. I’ve remained dear friends with just one who apologised and took on board that it is unfair to use me as a non-stop agony aunt. The others flounced and shown just how selfish and self-absorbed they really were. I have such dear, caring friends now. Time to prune emotional vampires OP.

Thank you Grumpelstilskin (great name, I call myself that sometimes!). I like the bank account analogy. It really struck me when she didn't even send me a birthday card recently that I am being taken advantage of. I'm glad you agree, I was worried people would think me selfish.
Another friend's young DD died unexpectedly last week and I have been knocked for six by it. But despite knowing this my friend's daily calls continue regardless...

One technique when you answer the phone is to say "I have to go out in ten minutes but I can talk til then" time ten minutes then say "gotta go now", or however long you think you can cope with the call.

Is this on a mobile? If you can see it's her number don't pick up every day.

Don’t accept this. Write a short email saying how you see it - short! - with very few details about her. Note she missed your birthday and she has not taken in the recent bereavement. Tell her that her selfishness has cost her her friendship with you and is clearly part of a mental health issue she needs to resolve with professionals.

Never let yourself be used like this again. You cannot get that time back. You need to value yourself more.

Sorry, that postef too soon. Don't feel guilty, I've been there, done that and in my experience it starts to effect your own MH. Totally agree with the bank account analogy.

Thank you everyone. I'm about to write an email, before the phone starts ringing again. I had a long chat with my bereaved friend last night and it has put everything into scale somehow...

Woman phoned and starts ranting on...

'Ding-dong' (Press your doorbell) "Oh someone's at the door, I'd better go!! I'll speak to you soon "

And repeat each time, mixed up with not answering every time or having your own story ready to launch straight into before she gets the chance to bore you with hers.