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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet will be your downfall!

15 replies

CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 14:51

Hello MNers. Had to name change due to snooping STBXP.
I have had put up with emotional, sexual and financial abuse for many years. Two years ago was brave enough to start the process of ending the relationship. It's been very difficult (he forced me to go to couples counselling and has been obstinate we must stay together) and he is still living in the shared family home. He has always gone through my phone and laptop at every given opportunity due to massive insecurity and paranoia that I am having an affair with everybody I know. He saw a couple of MN posts and comments and is now telling everyone that I am 'crucifying him through social media'.

Recently, he has been threatening to get me sacked from my job (that I absolutely love) because of messages he has seen and libellous posts on FB and MN. I have never mentioned his name - particularly on FB where we may have mutual friends (he and his family are blocked). I think he is possibly delusional and could have a personality disorder.
He has also recently called me a paedophile because he has seen messages from a younger male colleague - accused me of grooming him - and is adamant that this could lose me my job. I am not really after any solution, just wanted to vent some steam and also wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences with their partners blaming Mumsnet for relationship break ups/character assasinations? I feel like I am going slightly around the twist having to still share space with this bellend

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 10/02/2019 14:53

Not quite sure why you haven't just moved out

justasking111 · 10/02/2019 14:53

Why is your laptop or phone not locked with a password or other means of protection?

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 14:54

Do you have children with this man? I don't really understand why it's taking two years to end it. Is the house in his name? Are you financially independent? Or is the issue money?

AutumnCrow · 10/02/2019 14:58

Do you have a decent solicitor? Why is an abuser still in the family home?

CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 15:00

We have kids. He is abusive. He refused to leave and I have nowhere else to go.He always threatened the 'unfit mother - I will take the kids' thing. I wised up and now do not let my phone out of my sight and have a lock. My laptop is used by the kids but I change passwords constantly. We jointly own this home so I wanted to stay and for him to leave. He owns multiple properties and we aren't married so I am not entitles to them, but he could easily move into one. He has now bought a house for he and the kids to live in 50/50 amount of the time. It's not that easy when you are being constantly undermined and gaslit. My job is very low paid and I have no access to credit. I was advised not to leave the family home, no matter how awful it was living with him

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CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 15:02

I have also involved the police and gone to my GP to get this on record, but really wanted a peaceful split (ha!) for the sake of the kids. I have probably gone about it the wrong way. I have a solicitor. I have been to mediation (initiated by me) and we have a speration agreement drawn up now so I do see a way out and soon

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Canthearthroughmyglasses · 10/02/2019 15:06

My ex use to scroll through MN to see if I had put anything up on him. He also went through my email account, my word diary, and anything that was private prior to meeting him. Needless to say he is an ex. Stay strong and it’s goid that you are asking on here because it can cloud our judgment when we are being abused and it’s very helpful to seek opinions. I wrote on MN and got such great advice that I managed to gather strength and tell him to leave.

CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 15:13

In a way, he is quite correct that MN posters have helped me find the strength to leave himand quantify just how abusive he has been. Were it not for this site, I would never have got the police involved or realised the extent of how much damage he is doing to me and the children. Mumsnet has also bolstered my self esteem greatly (and made me weak with laughter). So - yes - his fragility about my finding strength in social media is justified. Just not entirely sure he will be able to use it to get me fired!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 10/02/2019 16:12

He can´t get you fired from your job for writing things about him online. Unless he is your boss? Or have you also been writing comments about your work?

TheSmallAssassin · 10/02/2019 17:06

Always, always set separate accounts on your laptop, one for each person who uses it, with separate passwords. Always log off if someone else wants to use it.

justasking111 · 10/02/2019 18:19

Has anyone ever known of a members posts being used against them by someone to affect their job, home life??

CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 19:07

Good advice small. I shall do this. No - I don't really write about work. Perhaps an amusing anecdote but never outing. He's trying to scare me. Still

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Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 19:13

What does he think will happen.
He will take a thread from mumsnet with no names and no proof it’s you and take it to a judge. Or your work.

He will just be looked at like HmmConfused and they will think he is a nutter. Which he clearly is.

I know it’s been grim. But be calm and stay rational.

Get the police involved in every single incident. You’re never going to have a nice split with someone like this. So you need everyone on your side

Travisandthemonkey · 10/02/2019 19:15

And having been involved with the police, I know that you can go back to your specialist seargent at any time. They fully expect no one to want to press charges first time, so they always keep the case open. At least that’s what my seargent said.

CatpissEverdine · 10/02/2019 19:26

Thank you Travis - I deliberately didn't press charges re a sexual assault and I know they still have the case open. I went to the GP in order to document everything and if he kicks off again I will contact the police. They know about the paedophile accusations too (the guy in question is 25!!!) and he persists in saying this in front of the kids. It's ludicrous really

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