How to stay together after this?

[Impulseandhabit]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but if and how people have managed after something like this.
My thoughts are still all over the place so sorry if it doesn't make much sense.

My wife and I have have been together since we were teenagers. We've now been married for 12 years and have 3 children.
I thought we had a very happy and open relationship but this week I have found out she is pregnant with another man's child.

She want's to keep the baby which I respect. At the moment it doesn't look like the father is going to be involved.

I really don't want this to be the end of our relationship but I feel set adrift and I don't know how to move forward from this?

I know the first thing we need to do is sit down and talk about what I was missing before because she obviously wasn't as happy as I thought she was and that has to be, at least in part, my fault but I feel like I'm talking to a stranger at the moment.

I’m so sorry, didn’t want to read & run..

None of this is your fault, even if you didn’t realise how ‘unhappy’ she was it’s not excuse to have an affair, she should have spoken to you.

How do you foresee the future of bringing up somebody else’s child as a result of an affair? I imagine it would be incredibly hard, what about the father? He may want to get involved in the future. And how will your children feel?

I don’t think staying in relationships for the children’s sake is ever a good idea. How would you ever trust her again or move on? The child would be a constant reminder of her infertility and I’d be concerned about the impact on the whole family as a result.

You sound like a very kind, understanding husband but it doesn’t sound sustainable to remain with your wife IMO.

I want to stay with her for my own sake as much as for the kids.

I will admit I haven't really thought much about the practicalities of it all. It all feels very surreal.
I know we'll need to be open about it to the kids or it will make things even more complicated in the future if the dad decides he does want to be involved but I don't know how we'd to even begin explaining it to them while they're still so young.

I know it's not entirely my fault but I feel incredibly guilty that she could be unhappy enough to even consider cheating without me noticing anything was wrong

What had her reaction to all this been? Does she want to stay? Is she remorseful?
Does she want to keep the child?
All you can do is talk to her, but even if their wasn’t a child involved she has done something terrible to you. And unless someone is stuck in an abusive marriage, then just cheating is never the right course of action.
Also what about this man, she’s treated 2 people very badly and then expects him to be ok with another man bringing up his baby.

Don’t do the pick me dance, it never works in the long run.

She needs to acknowledge that she has wronged you. Does she want to rebuild the relationship with you?
Doesn't seem like it.
She sounds selfish. Why do you want to be with this person? And why have you martyred yourself by feeling guilty for her cheating?
LTB.

I don’t think you do stay together.

Your wife has zero respect for you and will have even less of you stay with her as she gives birth to someone else’s child.

She made a positive decision to cheat on you. It is clearly not your fault and probably happened multiple times (though I guess it could have been an unlucky once).

You need to discover your self respect and serve divorce papers on her. Think about how you will share the child care and what the most equitable living arrangements would be.

The only way you will ever end up together (and I think it highly unlikely) is for to realise that cheating has a real cost and that she has to earn back your love and respect.

I got pregnant at the very start of a fwb thing (to another man), our relationship turned a serious one and we eventually married.
He never forgave me really for the baby not being his.
Resented me for it but in no way towards the baby though.
Your relationship may be on a firmer footing to make a go of things.

Sorry to ask for clarification but does this
I thought we had a very happy and open relationship
mean you were married and in an "open relationship" - ie. you could see other people or does it mean your relationship was "open" in that you were open with each other and honest etc.

If you were in an "open relationship" then she didn't cheat as such but of course there is still the issue of the child and if it is the second version then she did cheat and has treated you very badly indeed.

I don't think you can come back from the second version where she has gone behind your back and had an affair and ended up pregnant. I'm sorry, it must be really awful for you.
Are you able to forgive her and bring up another man's child as your own? I don't think you would need to explain anything to your other children if you do decide to bring the child up as your own (has happened in many families) unless the Dad wants to get involved, in which case it is going to be difficult.

I don’t think in your position I could stay . Unless you can move past this baby isn’t yours it’s not right for any of you.

The fact she slept with someone else is not your fault

You can get through this, I know from experience, it's not easy but you can do it if you wanted to.
I'm not sure how the new baby will impact on the other 3 children though

I'm not sure how she feel's about it. I think she feels guilty about it but what we've both just been on autopilot the last few days.

Definitely meant open as in honest and we communicated well.

Maybe wait and see what happens as time goes on. The pain gets less and once bubba is born and you all get used to it then it will just be about making the 4 children happy I'm sure.
If the other guy doesn't get involved that should make life easier aswell.

You need to start thinking about yourself. And fuck taking the blame.

She wasn’t even kind enough to you to use a decent amount of protection. I mean that is SHOCKING

I think you are going to be in shock - you can’t possibly make a decision about the future yet - and that is OK. You have so much to process. Your DW has lost respect for you. If you are ‘at fault’ - it’s that she didn’t feel she should respect you or your marriage. However unhappy she was - she had the choice to tell you. She didn’t because she thought she didn’t have to.
So don’t give her further reason to look down on you - it really won’t end well.
I’d suggest you spend time apart. You don’t need to make decisions about her or how you feel yet. You need to think about how you are going to feel once this initial pain has passed.
How will you ever trust her or trust her to be honest? And how can you go forward always wondering whether you are being deceived. If you weren’t there to support her and instead decided to separate, she would struggle far more than staying put and having you support her. So she has every reason to make you think she will change.
But many people say cheaters don’t change. You have a lot to consider. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

So she risked your health by letting another man go bareback and now she's pregnant? Bearing in mind this was at a time she was supposedly happy and you were communicating well??

What the hell would she be doing if you were having problems!!?

She has zero respect for you or the marriage and zero regard for your health.

Raise your bar a million miles higher and get rid of her.

Skank doesn't even begin to describe....

Smh.

What Closet says. So many issues here, including risking your health with her having unprotected sex with another man. She had no respect or thought for you whatsoever. You will almost never see that child the same way. What will you tell your children as they get older, as this isn't something you can realistically keep quiet about - what if the other man decides later on he does want to be involved? And I'm afraid if she thought so little about you then, I don't see her changing her thinking. She'll probably think she can fuck you over again because you've been a doormat over this.

Sorry, but I think you'd be an idiot to stay married to this woman.

Don't not put any blame on you!

There's no way I could stay in a situation as messed up as this, she's got a damn nerve if she thinks you would

Wow.

You must be desperate.

What do you think she would say if you told her you are not taking on another mans child?!?!

Womens sex drives change as they get older, you've been together since you were young. Its not right, but maybe she needed sexual exploration and didn't know how to be honest about it. I'm madly in love with my DH, but i believe in sexual freedom and for me, sex and love are different. Shes asking somehing huge of you, and its your decision to stay or go, but families come in all shapes and sizes.

Unless she engages with you , takes responsibility and starts discussing this , then I'm afraid the marriage doesn't stand a chance .

I wish you luck .

@MumCatx2
Odfod

Ultimately it depends on what she feels about it and whether she can work with you to repair your relationship. There must have been a reason to be unfaithful and this needs working on. The baby's father may or may not want to be involved, but legally he should pay towards to upkeep of his child.

No, not necessarily a reason to be unfaithful. A lot of people do it bcs they can, they just fancy it.

She really has shown no respect for you to jeopardise your health, let alone your marriage, by having unprotected sex with another man.

She feels guilty? Bloody hell, she needs to be crawling on the carpet with guilt.