I've been unwell recently and am recovering from surgery, generally doing really well and will make a full recovery. DH took a week off work, did most of the stuff to do with looking after our DC. I am three weeks post op, up and about again, but feel very drained and tired. Have been told this is to be expected.
I am upset about some things that have happened and my DH's refusal to discuss them. Maybe I have weird expectations, but I don't like how I have been spoken to.
Immediately post op, as soon as I came home, I still had to be the household memory for everything to do with DC school, home clothes day, sports kit, ballet day, music practice. It sounds very minor, but it felt as if I could not just sleep and switch off, I had to give lots of reminders. I was irritated by this, because my DH is equally intelligent and capable, but just won't check book bags for notes or look at any of the DC's planners. The routine that emerged was that after school the DC came onto the bed, I supervised homework and music practice from bed and DH cooked, did bath and bed. There were some days when it was difficult having them on the bed because of pain/discomfort and fatigue and I found supervising homework and hearing reading, doing crafts etc in bed really tiring especially during the first few days.
DH then boasted to friends about how he had to be 'mum and dad' and was tired. He really did not do much, apart from cooking and school runs and was off work. When I pointed out that apart from the school run, I was doing most things I usually do, that were not physical jobs, he refused to acknowledge I had said this.
I usually look after the DC and I work, out of the home and in the home. My work is flexible and I am the main earner. DH works part time a long way from home and has a long commute, so is often exhausted. He does very little household work, but I employ a cleaner. I do some housework every day and most of the laundry. If he does laundry, he might put a wash on, but forgets to put it in the drier and only puts clothes away, if I make it a family activity. Most of the time I get on with it and feel irritated. I have wondered if he has ADHD as he is so distractible and forgetful, and it pissed his ex-wife off no end as well. However, it doesn't seem to cause difficulty at work.
When I have tried in the past to complain how unequal things are, he says that is my perspective and he does not agree with me. He says he feels he does 'enough' and my standards are 'too high'. He usually shouts that I need to 'calm down' because I get really exasperated trying to explain and list all the things I do, that he simple does not see. It is really wearing.
When I was unwell, the children were rummaging through washed and unwashed laundry, looking for items of kit, for sports, drama, lost music books etc. I found it very stressful. He spent the days out walking while the DC were in school.
Three weeks later, my mum then had a very serious health issue that was sudden. I went to see her and spent a night at my parents home, and on the way back went for my planned own check up and came back to find food on the floor, beds unmade, drawers pulled off their hinges, unfleshed toilets, piles of washing and paper drawing, cut up paper on the floor, mess and inside out clothes everywhere, the DC in after school care and DH in town (not working). I was shocked to see our home in such a state after being away for just over 24 hours.
It took me a few hours to put the house back into order. There was honey on the floor, porridge congealed onto kitchen surfaces, raw chicken in the fridge in an open packed, leaking onto a pack of open berries. I have told him so many times that someone will get salmonella, yet he ignores me. I told him the fridge is a basic hygiene issue and he said, 'I am ignoring you.' When I told him the house was unacceptable and that I am fed up with the endless inequality, he said, 'you are being vile. You don't realise it. It wasn't that bad. I am not engaging in your rants.' He then either walked away, refused to listen or won't speak to me unless it is a neutral topic.
The rest of the time, he is a good dad to the DC, but I feel really let down and bullied. As long as I shut up and don't complain, all is well. If I ask for 'help' (i.e. for him to do some of the chores, with me) he 'helps'. But I feel forced into being a nag, constantly reminding. He asks me to give him a list of things that the DC need to take to school and he texts me 'all done' and then half of what they need is missing. They had a charity event and he forgot to give them pound coins I had left on the table, so they didn't get a wristband (fair enough) but they complain to me and I feel dreadful.
I've been quite down about being ill. I had very bad postnatal depression several years ago and if I am annoyed with my DH, he uses that and says 'you don't even realise what you are saying.' But I realise it very well. I am angry and upset. I don't know how to speak to someone who refuses to acknowledge that I am upset and makes me out to be unreasonable.