It's been 5 years but I can't do it any more

[pinkrocker]

Would like advice please.
I've nursed him through cancer last year. I've been there for him for ever. I love him.
We've been together 5 years, we were out this eve for dinner, my kids were at their dad's.
Talked all night about our future.
He's been away for 2 weeks working and I've needed to know where (I/we) stand for a long, long time. I keep asking if we can get married but he keeps saying "I don't know" and gets cross with me.
He usually works 4 months away, 3 months at home, he's just come back from 6 weeks away training to get back to his job after the cancer made him have 18 months off.
Think both he and I have had far too much to drink TBH!
He's LITERALLY just ran away. Walked off with all his clothes & toiletries that have been here for 5 years in a bin bag.
I said if you're not prepared to be with us (me and 2 kids who think the world of him) and sell both your houses and invest in us and buy a house then we're not going anywhere.
He's sworn at me, told me that I mean f all and that his mother's house (one of the ones he owns) is sacred.
Now I know where I stand. Devastated.

It may not seem like it right now, but surely that is what is known as a lucky escape? Listen to what he is saying. Sacred house? Fucking hell.

After everything you've been through, stood by the fucker through thick and thin, and this is how he repays you?

Sacred? What the fuck does he know about sacred!

Sorry OP you are feeling this way . His action says it all. Perhaps, time to leave him to his shit.

You say you’ve both had too much to drink, maybe it’s worth sleeping and talking it through sober in the morning. You sound both in a bad place now, this can’t be great for either of you or the children

Thank you for replying!
My kids will be devastated, they adore him.
Maybe I'll leave things alone. Let him get back in touch.
See if he can see what he's missing.
I appreciate your comments.

It's obvious getting married wasn't on his priority list of things he was interested in, that's why he kept giving you the answers he did and got cross when you kept going on about it.

You were not asking much of him though when you wanted him to sell both his houses. Think again!

A lot of men these days see no value in marriage, if anything they risk loosing a lot when it doesn't work out, as so often seems to be the case. He probably saw the potential loss of his financial security with those two houses and was not prepared to take that risk. I can't say I blame him or anyone else for that matter.

This sounds so like a friend of mine whose bloke turns up every evening, but won’t commit to anything permanent, won’t pay towards the housekeeping and keeps saying that she’s his world. It’s been three years of stress for her, but she loves him.

Run for the hills. As fast as you can. He's a selfish, cold bastard.

I don't think he's a bastard for not wanting to get married, or for wanting to keep hold of his mother's house (which I assume he rents out?).

But you are perfectly entitled to want marriage, and more commitment, and to know where you stand.

I think the fact that he left when you tried to talk about it tells you everything you need to know. You are not compatible because you want different things from the relationship. I'm sorry it's happened though, breakups are horrible.

I'm guessing that you asking about marriage made him think that he'd have to share should the marriage go bad

And he wants to keep what's his (the two houses)

It appears that he won't give you what you want

So the balls in your court - could you go back to a man who will never give you what you want ?

What's the living situation in the property you currently live in? Is it in your name?

Does he have children of his own?

You're good enough to look after and nurse him, but not to marry.

He doesn't want marriage, you do. You're not a good match.

Let him go.

I live in private rented accommodation, just me and my two. When he's not at sea he stays here 3 nights a week and doesn't pay anything towards the house.
One of his houses has stood empty for 18 months, I've asked if me and kids can live there and suddenly he's selling it.
He doesn't have kids.
My XH ran off and left me to pay the mortgage, I lost the house and my £40k deposit. I can't help wanting security now.
I was hoping that he'd be the one.

He sounds appalling. As pp have said, you’re good enough to nurse him, but not good enough for anything else!

Chalk it up to experience and a lucky escape

Can you say what you mean by, you nursed him?

I am very sorry you are going through this. But you are asking alot. You are telling him he has to sell his property, marry you and financially support you and the kids, give you 50% if it ends in divorce.

I own my house. I wouldn't have my Dp telling me I have to marry him, sink my investments into a house that we would both own and sypporting his kids but wasn't putting anything himself.

I get you want that security. My marriage broke down and I was a single parent so I get that. But that doesn't mean he has to provide it. It's been clear he isn't bothered about get married.

Honestly if you were in his shoes posting that your male Dp gave an ultimatum saying you must get married, sell your properties buy a house for you all that he would half own and support his kids, people would be telling you not to do it. Wether he had nursed you through cancer or not.

I don't want his house, nor do I want half of anything, it's fine that they belong to him and he's worked hard for it.
What I meant is that if he sold his two small ones he could get one really nice family home.

But if you marry. You get half.

Living with him in his house isn't any security.

No such thing as 'the one.'
OP, I'd focus on yourself and your children and work on establishing your own security.
This guy won't commit to you in the way you want. Either accept that and stay with him or move on.

Any chance you and him can go for some couples' counselling? Sounds like there's a lot to unravel and work out. Or, you need to cut your losses and walk away. It must be incredibly tough for you. Make a decision and stick by it, if you can.

So he was paying the bills (council tax for a start) on an empty home for 18 months yet not contributing anything to a household he stays at 3 nights per week? Pft... think u are well shot of him.

He doesn't want marriage with you. By the sounds of it, ever. Otherwise he would have at least discussed the topic.

Also...this whole 2 month here, 3 month there thing...sounds fishy. Lol u sure he hasn't already got a wife, elsewhere? It happens.

Anyway, either way, it doesn't matter how drunk u are, there is no excuse to tell a partner of 5 years that she means nothing. That is just disgusting. Don't take him back. You are well shot.

You're not on the same page and doesn't sound like you ever will be. That can't be good.

Thanks all. We had a (sober) big talk and he does want to go on seeing me. But he can't say the words he wants to, apparently. I've said email it /text it, I just want to know. But he can't. He's been here for 3 days and I just keep avoiding him, it's not been intentional but when he's watching a film or something, I've gone in the bath and read or if he's staying in bed in the morning, I've got up.
He's just said (after me avoiding the subject for days because he gets a cross face on) that he'll decorate his empty house & rent it out, but I just don't see it happening.

Why are you allowing him to make all the decisions?
he does want to go on seeing me...as said by every cocklodger in the history of the human race.

Don't get sucked in gain.
He has no intention of marrying you - he is quite happy with the current setup. Free sex on demand when he come home and he pays for nothing.
With an option like that of course he wants to keep seeing you !!!
Actually as they say-- he is just not that into you

Oh honestly I hope you have now realised; to be constantly asking someone to marry you is beyond humiliating.

I am sorry, you obviously cared a lot about him, they are not his kids though, your kids will be fine.

You are being used as a stop gap OP.