Long standing EA...

[limpbizkit]

I need some help. I've been with my DH 8 years. I had mental health problems before I met him. He kind of saved my life to some extent. I've achieved things I never thought possible. Marriage, kids, mortgage. There's a big story so long I couldn't possibly write it. But I know if I did what the response would be. I'm too ashamed to detail some of the worst incidents. My DH is a hard working man. He's a fantastic dad (I can't take that away from him) he provides great financial security to us. But he does things I know aren't right. Sometimes he goes a long time without doing anything 'abusive', then it happens and my inner turmoil is jolted back into action. There's so many things it's hard to know where to start. My mother who I love dearly and looks after my children whilst I'm at work was subtlely a bit bullying towards me when I was younger (example : calling me 'thunder thighs' and making digs at my weight (size 10)when I was 11 and just started my periods and giggling with her sister over it) led to an eating disorder and MH issues. Not a one off example. She's very old fashioned and would never believe me if I tried to tell her about my DH and how I feel. I know that for a fact. My support would be literally zero. I'd be going solo. That's why it's easier not to leave. But I do know I'm getting gradually eroded and I know its unlikely to ever get better. I'm struggling to articulate myself. Feel free (if anyone's interested) to ask me more to clarify my situation. Thanks for reading

Sorry, didn't want to read and run but not a huge amount of experience. Hopefully someone else will be more use.

Have you spoken to someone from say Women's Aid to get some idea of support available?

Thankyou for your reply @sleeping. I know speaking to women's aid is possibly a next step. Deep down I know what I should do but he is very very clever. His work colleagues would have him down as thr lost demure caring kind man you'll ever meet. I'd be scarcely believed. I know I'd have a big battle ahead of me. We share children too. And the fact that so far he hasn't been anything but a model father doesn't give me reason to stop him seeing or parenting them

The most (typo)

No one needs to bleieve you. You don't need any one else's permission to leave.
But yes, it would mean some sharing of the kids, but depending on their ages etc. that can be worked out, through Court if you don't trust him to stick to a verbal agreement x

As Sleeping says. It doesn't matter if people believe you. I believe you, and many of us will. Why would you make it up? My XH was like this. People were very suprised. Note that he is my XH, and I am out, and happy, and free of him. It can be done. We're here

Please speak to Women's Aid. It is your life you are describing, your experience.

I too have endured some appalling MH problems because of things I witnessed and things that happened to me. Please remember that whatever has happened to you is not your fault. We all have ways of surviving however dysfunctional.

It took me a very very long time to realise the extent of my ex husband's behaviour. It's a hell of an eye opener!

Please also remember that the Samaritans are there all the time. They are a godsend!

Abusers have had a lifetime of practice. It is what they are and who they are. That he is reasonable around his colleagues shows that he is in control of his behaviour.

It's really important to keep a diary of everything that goes on. Write it down, record it, use any means to demonstrate how he behaves around you. An abuser will never make a good parent. His behaviour will rub off on the children and they will behave as he does.

Please seek specialist help. You are not dealing with a normal person with normal reactions. I spoke to WA long before I was ready to leave. I had no idea what to do. It's not a journey we would choose, but there is so much help available along the path. Baby steps.

Thankyou very much for your replies. They're useful and insightful. I'm still feeling paralysed at the thought of leaving. I know I'd have a lifetime of mind games ahead of me if I left. I was thinking of sitting him down and trying to keep it diplomatic and say that I don't feel happy and don't think we're working out to try to diffuse it rather than call him out on his behaviour. I know he'd never accept responsibility and he'd turn it on me. Whenever I think of the possibility of leaving I just feel crippled by fear