I need help fast

[wobblebot]

I'm so so miserable.

I wish I could articulate further but I'm just so unhappy.

My 'D'h is just a crap H. He tries, sometimes. But when he stops trying it's atrocious.

I don't know what to do, I feel suicidal. I can't work without his help with childcare for my DS. Not that I'm working at the moment, I'm on week 3 of at least 4 of dick pay due to endometriosis. I'm in pain all the time physically and he causes so much emotional pain. I somewhat rely on him for a social life. I spend my time indoors on the same fucking chair watching shit on Netflix. It's not his fault that I'm like this but he consistently promise to be there yet he's not here. Three times this week he hasn't come back when he said he would. I can't cope.

I do t think he's drank tonight but he had a shitty habit of drinking and not coming home. He 100% had a drinking problem, he admits it.

I don't know what to do. He earns 2/3 x more than me. I have an awful credit history so cannot rent on my own. He has to and moved us to a completely new area in december. I don't know anyone and live an hour from work. My mum doesn't give a shit and I have no idea where my dad is.

Please. I just don't know what to do.

I have been searching the relationships board for weeks to try and find a situation that remotely resembles mine and I just can't.

What do I do?

I have BPD and I struggle in a 'healthy relationship. Why doesn't he even care?

Fuck I'm a mess. I do t even want him to come back because I'll either act like I don't care or we will argue.

I have been in MN for years. Please can somebody help me no don't have anyone else.

I'm sorry to rant.

Fuck.

Now I've said dick and I meant sick.

Fuck sake.

I'm so lost. He's not come home even though he knows the pain he's causing.

It was supposed to be fucking date night. The one night a month we get.

Why the fuck can't anyone in my life give a shit?

I must be a fucking horrible person.

Dont feel that way! Dont put his useless shitty behaviour on yourself! Just because hes a shit person does not mean there is anything wrong with you!

I feel you should ring samaritans and talk stuff through you will feel better but please dont hurt youseld

I was wrong. He did drink last night.

I tried to lull myself. I have no hope

Please call the Samaritans. Don't hurt yourself. There people who care (even if it's not your family)

Have you tried private renting through houses advertised on gumtree etc? My friend who has a shocking credit history did that and has had no issues. They don’t tend to do a credit check, just want a reference from a previous landlord.

Sometimes the people around you have issues and they are nothing to do with you, but impact you anyway. It doesn’t mean you are a horrible person, just one with low self esteem that attracts people who aren’t good for them.

I have been where you are. I second calling the Samaritans, but also make a plan for how you can get out of there. Can you save up enough for a deposit?

You say you need help, but I think you actually need to help yourself.

There are several things you've said in your OP that I simply could not allow to continue. You seem to feel you have to rely on others all the time. There's where you could grow though. Don't wait for others to help you, YOU find a way to be effective in your own life. You are not helpless, you can do it.