Broken

[G1975]

I’ve never really used a site like this but am at the point I just need to get things out there so here goes.....
I’m a 43 old male, good job, good person (or so I thought)...my wife says I’m not pulling my weight and wants out of the marriage.
I’ve been with my partner over 10 years, and have been married for 5. My partner gave me an ultimatum.. marry her or let her go to ‘ move on’. I loved her so got married. We tried for a child for 3 years but she couldn’t conceive. We started IVF and were blessed with the most beautiful amazing baby girl. My wife moved out immediately after the birth to her mums saying I wasn’t committed and selfish. After a couple of weeks she agreed to counselling and she eventually moved back in. In my eyes she had post natal and at the time said she didn’t love the baby. The counselling in my eyes was focussed on getting her to approach things in a more mature way. She is 37. Things have been ok, I have been doing my best juggling work from 7-5 daily and helping out as best I canwhilst doing as much housework etc as possible. I’m exhausted most days and have the baby as soon as I get in and then usuallly cook while my wife puts her to bed or do my ironing My wife spends a lot of time with her mum and family and her mum has the baby once a week to give us a break. She also has trips away with her mum once every few weeks. This week my wife said she’s had enough, I’m not doing enough and that I don’t want to spend time with our beautiful daughter. I can’t do much more than I can and feel so unappreciated and made to feel guilty. The past two weeks she’s been ‘nesting’ and tidying excessively then saying I’m not doing enough. I’m devastated and just can’t understand what she expects from me. I have so little down time for me and when I do am made to feel guilty. I never stop her from doing anything and always ask her what she wants ..she says she hates this as I should just be doing things for the baby and not asking her. She says I never do anything with the baby or take her out on my own ...but I never get the chance as she says we need to do more as a family! if I do something she doesn’t want me to do I get a moody response. I rarely see friends anymore (she seems to have an issue with keeping friends) and I have just had enough but can’t bear the though of losing my baby girl. She’s back at work next week following maternity. I know that the latest meltdown is related to this stress but she is adamant it is not, just like she was adamant she didn’t have post natal. I’m at the point I can’t take anymore. Do I hang in there fir my baby or not for my sanity? I feel she’s controlling and unreasonable

From the outside this sounds a lot like post natal depression, marital strain and normal couple stress following birth of a child. Having a child is fucking hard work especially when work is involved. The stress of going back to work is immense, especially giving up the control as the career on maternity leave to someone else. Especially with first children as the main cared the routine is life and it’s hrd to let go and let other people do it their way instead. If I were you I’d hang in there for a while longer and try to give extra support over the next few weeks when your wife goes back to work. Eg could you do some batch cooking at the weekend to make things easier in the evenings during the week? Plan a child free night out together for a meal? Or get a takeaway tohave in after bedtime? It sounds like it’s a control thing to me - your wife can’t control the fact she’s going back to work or stop time (time passing just feels so awful when a baby is growing so quickly!) so she wants to control the cleaning and the childcare etc but can’t handle it all. Maybe sit down and say you really want to help but you are exhausted etc and if she gave you specific things that would be more helpful could she tell you/leave a list at least to start with so you know how best to help her.

Sorry that was rambling..! Good luck

We're not marriage counsellors on here, but it sounds like that's what you need. Unless she genuinely has thrown in the towel.

Tbh op she doesn't know herself what she wants does she. I think you need to have a major discussion. She needs to know how much your trying, plus working. It maybe a hormone thing, she maybe pushing you away purposely for you to leave, it could just be stress of adjusting to life with baby or maybe shes nitpicking cos there's a bigger underlying problem. Who knows but you need a honest discussion asap.

She comes across as the selfish one tbh.

Establish what it is she wants and whether it's realistic.

Why did it take an ultimatum for you to marry her?

She won’t have a discussion about it she just days she feels I need to do 50:50. When I explain what I do she says it’s not enough and gets upset. She is like Jekyll and Hyde in the fact she is pleasant to all around her but me. I genuinely feel bullied and that she resents me for some reason. I don’t think I can make her happy or her me to be honest. I do more than my share, in fact more than most men I know. She has no real friends and I can understand why as she is so controlling. I think she is on the spectrum somewhere. She resents me from having any friends and does her best to isolate me from them. I rarely go out or have a drink. I’m exhausted and have told her this but still she says I’m not pulling my weight and not interested in baby. She won’t open up and listen she just accuses me of not listening and clams up. So childish I’m sick of it but don’t want to lose baby. I may as well have baby full time-nursery starts next week when she goes back to work which I think is her issue but she won’t admit it. She would rather apportion blame and stress on me

She wanted to marry and have kids

This is so hard, there were many times I genuinely wanted to leave my husband after having our kids as there's just so much to re adjust and he wasn't doing it quick enough. We are ok now.

However it does sound like you are pulling your weight and it sounds like maybe your wife maybe hasn't been happy for a while? Like she just doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. In which case, all you can do is try counselling and ensure she gets help for PND. But you will have to let her go if she's insistent that's what she wants. You won't have a choice really 🙁 Be there for her and the baby as much as you can. Hopefully when the baby fog lifts or she gets the help she needs for PND you can re assess things.

Also, early on there were some major things that needed to change (my husband decided that going out EVERY weekend with his mates was suddenly a great idea and I was a controlling cow to not let him!) I Wong lie that was shit to sort out.

But there are many things we have both done and said after having kids that were totally wrong and blown out of proportion. We couldn't see it at the time but in retrospect, I know I have completely been an unreasonable bitch. My husband looks back and knows he too was completely wrong on occasions.

We now agree that if we are arguing sometimes we have to just stop, and say 'we are just tired and stressed. Let's both just drop it and move on for now.' Usually I'm still fuming at the time but a few hours later I can see how petty the argument was and that we need to move on!

She will not seek help for pnd and is in denial she has ever had it (despite hating the baby and crying nightly until a few months after birth). I rarely go out now like I said. I don’t think she is a happy person inside and reflecting back having a baby and marrying I think she thought I would solve her personal issues. I feel for her but she is so horrid to me blanking me etc saying I am uncaring. I do all she asks and more I’m at my wits end. I sank everything into her financially and personally to get it thrown back at me

"I sank everything into her financially"

I think it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you and hasn't for a while.
If possible I would maybe try a trial separation with counselling and see how things move from there.
It sounds at the moment like 2 very unhappy adults.

Hang on in there! We have very similar stories!

I've had well over a year of blatantly knowing my wife was unhappy but she would never discuss or acknowledge it.

She has finally gone to the gp and has started medication with counselling to follow. It's been a very difficult time and is tacking it toll on the both of us. I to have started counselling as change & understanding is needed both sides.

Feedback I have had - here and counselling - is the importance of communication. She wanted the "family" but know give mixed messages? I hope you can hind out what she really wants (in life) and get the dialogue started. For me - as my wife has admitted to herself she 'needs help' - we now have a sort of positive momentum, I hope you two can find similar.

I really want to do couple counselling, but feel my partner needs some support / clarity 1st and then fingers crossed.

For me my counselling is a win win. It will call me out on my own imperfections and enable me to be more supportive where needed / and unfortunately support through separation if it comes to it.

Good luck

Sounds like resentment, she probably picks up on the fact you didn't want to marry her.

I don’t think your wife actually likes you much and wants out but us trying to make out their is a ‘reason’ I don’t think there is over and above not wanting to be in a relationship. I am alwAys very suspicious of women who are always round their mothers , in every case I have known where there was no actual abuse, the woman wanted kids but didn’t really want a relationship and used blokes for cash etc as they actually preferred being at their mums

This is common never ask a woman what she wants you to do.She wants a man to be a leader she does not want to be your mother or sister by telling you what you need to do. Remember love has to be tough don't be manipulated by anyone. .Don't fall for it No matter what you do or how much it wont make any difference it's what's going on in her mind.