submariner boyfriend

[tigerlily321]

hi, my BF is away on submarines and we have no contact apart from the 60 words i get to send him every week, with no reply. just wondered if anyone had any advice/experience going through this. im finding it really hard and dont know if i can do it long term. thanks

I did it for years you get used to it.

Feeling for you.

Wondering why if you can message him, he can’t reply?

Hope it gets easier as above

Thanks. Just the way it is on the submarines sadly

@mathsquestions - I imagine the message is sent as a coded broadcast. Meaning anyone can pick it up, if they are really bothered. Importantly it's not really possible to track who has tuned in to the broadcast. Whereas anyone transmitting can be found easily.

Thanks. Any advice from experience?

It's truly shit and only going to get worse as the length of the deployments is increasing. I have been in your situation for the last 12 years and thankfully my husband is leaving this year as not sure I could have gone through another trip away. The non contact is really tough and for me it was made worse by the fact that the contact was all one sided, in fact for his last trip I didn't send him any familygrams as I found the whole process just stressed me out! Sorry no positive story to tell

@iamaswashbuckler aw thats sad to hear :( bet you're glad you dont have to go through it anymore!

My friends DH is a submariner, has been for the whole 10 years they have been together and he’s not long signed up for another 10 years. She gets lonely, they have fights, he has trust issues, the deployments are hard on her but she just makes sure keeps herself busy - whether that’s with hobbies, working on the house, seeing friends - she’s used to it now and has accepted this as their way of life. Luckily they don’t have children, it may be a different story if they did, but like someone upthread said, you will get used to it if you stick around and are happy with what is essentially a long distance relationship without the communication.

On the point of communication - it is very important that you air whatever issues you have, communicate openly, and be honest with one another. My friends usually argue when one or the other closes up and becomes distant - as soon as they start communicating everything is fine.

@Offside thanks so much. it is helpful to hear other peoples experiences. very true about communication. do you know if your friends DH is any different when he gets back from being away?

Nope, no different, just glad to be home. His moods probably fluctuate more when he isn’t deployed, because of the uncertainty of not knowing when he’s next going, the politics around who goes and who doesn’t...I do think they generally get on better when he’s been deployed as obviously he hasn’t been around much, they miss each other and she gets herself into a nice routine, thinking only about herself and not having to rely on anyone else.

I find from her stories that they argue more when he isn’t deployed which is when he is home more or less every weekend. And she openly admits that it’s down to the routine she has for herself that gets turned upside down when he’s around. And he feels the same way, when he’s deployed he’s at work and is there to get the job done, doesn’t dwell on what he’s missing and just gets on with it.

@Offside thanks so much thats helpful :) I had seen some people saying that they are a bit off when they first get back and overwhelmed with everything but im sure it depends completely on the person. I hate counting the days away and i know i should just try to make the most of the days but cant help being in mindset of 'this time next week it will be X many days so if i can get on untill then i'll be fine' lol. it makes it go by very slowly

One thing I would say it’s dont always bank on them being back when they should - my friends DH has never been back when they have been scheduled, usually out a few days longer, the last time he was out 3 weeks longer.

You only get a phone call maybe a day before if it’s going to be out longer and then don’t get kept up to date until they know they’ll be back which again is a days notice or so.

Luckily my friend has made some good friends with her DHs colleagues and they tend to keep her up to date where she usually wouldn’t have that knowledge. She’s learnt now not to let herself get carried away about him being home when he should. It does make it difficult for her to plan though as she likes to go and meet him off the boat but to do this she has to take time off work etc and can’t always do it if it’s last minute.

@Offside Awww no :( Thanks for letting me know. Hopefully its no longer than a few days because i have been counting the days so much its basically only thing getting me through lol. Maybe shouldn't have put so much dependence on that! I'll keep in mind it probably wont be the date that I have just now. I know i'll look back on this in a few months and it will all be over just the days are dragging by right now!! Thats something I dont have with his colleagues, that would be helpful right now :( Must be so emotional when she meets him off the boat!