Anyone else feel completely isolated? 0 friends, handful of acquintances

[JudyOha]

Hi all,
Background: mid-20s female, graduate, with a very respectful job. All my life, I've always been able to get female acquaintances (i.e. the girls who aren't bullies and just nice to everyone) where we'd have 5 min small talk if we randomly bumped into each other in the street, corridor at work like "how are you", weather, work load etc. Once every few years, I'd meet a very clingy girl who always wanted to hang out etc. but then, it's me pulling away and not wanting to meet up every weekend. I crave it until I get it and then feel it's too much pressure

With males, I have always had 1 or 2 close friends but usually the nerdy/geeky types who are ecstatic a female is even talking to them. They are usually really nice guys but 90% of them always hoped that it'd somehow turn into something romantic (no chance as once I've friendzoned a guy, I'd never think of him romantically) so eventually I'd cut down on contacting them as it would become awkward. Do have 1 male best friend who I've known for nearly a decade and he doesn't have a crush on me which is why it works out well but even he lives 100s of miles away (so only see him once or twice a year).

Don't have any extended relatives, so just parents and sibling.

In the end, my contacts are colleagues, female acquaintances who I have no real bond with, male ex-friends who I've had to slowly stop contacting due to them having a crush on me, and some exes who I'm "friends" with -we don't really talk but not blocked them either.

So, almost every weekend, I am completely alone - no one that texts, no one to meet up with etc. Initially I preferred that as I loved having time to myself and I could be as slobby as I wanted, do what I wanted etc. but now, since moving to another city 5 years ago for a job, so the only people I know are work colleagues who are usually older and married so busy, it's even more isolating. Yet if I get a friend who wants to meet up every weekend, I feel pressured and claustrophobic (probably coz I got used to being on my own most weekends in my life).

When I'm at the shops etc I always see groups of girls etc and I've never had that so I wonder if the other loner females are just at home or if truly everyone except me has a group of female friends...

I know I could make the first move and ask an acquaintance out but when I even ask if they're doing much at the weekend, they all seem to usually be doing loads by what they say and it's worrying that no acquaintances ever make the first move with me on moving towards a friendship

Is this fairly common for mid-20s females or are you all out seeing friends or at least texting or phoning them every weekend rather than getting a chance once or twice a year..

Seeing facebook and girls on the street, seems everyone has loads of friends :/

I think it's quite hard to make friends as an adult so if you're not lucky during teens or at uni it's hard to then make a friendship group
I have friends come and go but struggle to make a lasting bond, and like you they become acquaintances really.

Sorry not sure what the answer is, but you're not alone

no, not everyone has loads of friends.
facebook/twitter: 'friends' = interesting characters you like to be seen with...

but if you feel isolated have a look at your neighborhood assiciation, local pub activities (quiz night), activities at the local library.

Those women who I would call friends are mainly those who I've known a long time. Four old school friends, one who I went to college with and two who I used to work with ten years ago. a
Apart from them, my main social contact is sigh family - partner, sons and grandchildren. I hear that it's harder to make friends as you get older, probably because most people are too busy. Although I've got one friend who told me their friend list is closed (he and his dw have got loads of hobbies - photography, painting, travel, board games; she does dressmaking and upholstery) etc. Maybe the answer is to have lots of interests and hobbies?

I'm mid twenties and have no real friends, not the kind you can call for a chat or meet up for a drink/coffee or whatever anyway. The women I do socialise with are DPs mates partners and they all have huge groups of girlfriends who they go out with every weekend and go on holidays together. I had an awful time with bullying at school and uni and I think this is it for me, it's far too hard trying to make friends as an adult as everyone else seems to already have an established group. I don't have any advice but you're not alone.

I'm not in my twenties but I know not every woman has a group of friends, nor wishes to. Friends can be demanding, restricting and draining, especially if you are an introvert who is happy with their own company and find meet ups and activities too much like pressure.

Sounds like you love your freedom and not every friend is a good friend. Every person has an agenda and 'issues' and you can't be compatible with everyone. The best way to meet a new friend is through a shared interest, then you start with something which you both enjoy in common.

I personally I think a lot of groups are cliquey, with one dominant personality driving it and prefer one to one meet ups. Less stressful, easier to negotiate. [I was bullied within a group setting more than once]. You have parents and a sibling, maybe socialise with them a little more in the meantime.

I don't think it's common, but certainly not unheard of.

But, from what you've written, it sounds as if you start to despise anyone who wants to be friendly with you (too needy, too clingy, too nerdy, ecstatic just to have female attention). Do you believe if someone wants to be your friend, there must be something wrong with them? Who would you choose as your friends, and have you tried to befriend them?

I had lots of friends and a great social life in my twenties. However now family life and work leaves little time or energy for socialising and making friends. I also found that the school mums that didn’t work established stronger friendships through going for coffee after school while I have to drop and dash. I do feel envious sometimes but I quite enjoy my own company so I’m not going to worry about it any more.

I'm in my late forties and completely alone. I had friends up until about 10 years ago. People got married, went out as couples, I was single and just got left behind. I'd love some friends and somebody to talk to

It is really hard when you're older. There seem to be phases where it's easier - having a baby for example.

Do you want to make new friends, do you have an interest and could join a club?

I think a lot of people who have a lot of friends actually put up with a lot of crap. They seem to have friends who are late a lot, don't respect their boundaries in any way, use them for their money or free childcare. I think there are sacrifices for being a "people person" as well as for being a "loner"
Also those people often put a lot of work into it. They are out all the time making connections and sustaining friendships often because they are unable to relax on their own. I don't envy them. Although I would like to have a slightly busier social calendar I wouldn't want it to be so full on.

Making friends takes time and it takes a while to meet the right people, it’s a bit like dating. I don’t think that people who have a lot of friends put up with a lot of crap, there’s give and take. It’s meeting the right people, the sharers, not the takers.

Frequency seems to be a sticking point for you. I can understand not wanting to meet up every weekend but how often do you want? Once a month? Time by yourself is important to you so why not schedule that in e.g. first weekend of each month is one for staying at home, and you’ll stick to that unless you get a much better offer. No need to explain yourself to anyone, you are busy that weekend.

I think it might be worthwhile taking up a hobby so the focus is on the activity, getting out the house and not being bored. Meetup.com is good for that.

If you have something in common with an acquaintance, why not suggest meeting up and doing something together? They might be open to it. Some people might not want more friends but some people who enjoy socialising are looking for more opportunities to socialise. Don’t just ask people who are bored or have no plans. You do have to fake it a bit, make yourself sound like you have a rich, interesting life.

You are young. In my 20s, I hung out with loads of people, different groups, a lot were acquaintances, only a few long term friends but that’s the nature of friendships then especially in a big city. It took a while to get my social life going and I said yes to a lot of invitations.

Be open and don’t give up!

Thanks everyone

Feels so miserable sometimes :( so many people seem to acquire 100s of friends with very little effort.

@JudyOha I look like I have lots of "friends". In reality, they are acquaintances. They are mostly women I have known for a long time. There is a lot of bitchiness. They are certainly not supportive. I would go so far to say a couple of them would not be happy for you, should you have something better than them. I often wonder why I bother. But I decided long ago that it suits me to socialise with them when I feel like it and so I continue to do so.

I know where I stand with them.

I sometimes feel sad and I envy people who have true friends. But then I ask myself do many people actually have true friends really. It probably just looks like they do!!

I actually confide more in work colleagues and I trust them. I recognise that they are good people. However I do not see them outside of work.

I have met other women at exercise classes and baby groups. I don't socialise with them otherwise. I really look forward to the classes and a chat with the other women.

I could have written your message to the tee as O was the same in my 20s. I have never had a solid group of friends as such, mainly a sprinkling of close friends who didn't live nearby for me to spend time with. I realise now with my age that I am actually quite introverted and like my own company.

From my experience friendships are formed from shared experiences, things that ground you with that person. If I had my chance again, I would definitely look at doing hobbies that I really truly was interested in or even taking a professional qualification as you are bound to meet people that way. I think you have to really seek people out if you are trying to make new friendships, have a look at what's on (gig, film, fun event) and simply ask someone if they fancy going a long too. X

Omg! It could of been me writing this post as I empathise with you so much. I make acquaintances very easy but for it to progress to real friendship I've never once in my life had a true friend and im nearly 28. Years old. I always used to think it was me but maybe im too nice and people think im fake oh well.... Well It also doesn't help that im shy and quiet AF. So find it hard to make new connections and im pretty much a homebody loner type of person. Have been for years, dont get me wrong it does get lonely having no one text or call but the people who are worthy of your time would of made more effort. Oh I could go on and on for ages about this topic!