A word of warning - he won’t ever change **WARNING - UPSETTING PHOTO IN OP - MNHQ**

[MsSuperExcited]

For years I believed my ex when he said that him hurting the children was unintentional, he felt bad and he would change.

Guess what? He didn’t

And then when I finally try to do something about it, no one believed me. Because I hadn’t said anything before. And because he’s “such a nice guy... he must be very stressed”.

So some friendly advice MNers... don’t give him a 2nd chance.

It’s been going on since the eldest was about 2. She’s now 8. The issue is it’s “low level”. Not frequent or serious enough for for SS to be interested. And the children didn’t disclosure anything themselves. We split in the summer. I never had any intention of leaving as I knew I’d end up powerless when he had joint custody, but our marriage broke down to the point where he knew I wasn’t interested in him anymore and at that point he wanted it ended and moved along promptly so that he could find someone who was willing to massage his ego.

Report it to the police anyway.

Also this may sound drastic but I totally would... go into a refuge. When you ring ask for one as far as possible and change the kids school.

We’re alredy on our own now, me and the DC. They’ve been there this weekend. DD needs antibiotics which I think she is allergic to. If she reacts to them I don’t think he has any plans to take her to a walk-in to get an alternative as he has (our) friends over for lunch.

Op, we've just hopped on here to let you know that we had a few reports from other MNers who were concerned for you and your children's welfare. We're so sorry that this has happened to your DD.

We know you said that the pic is from 2017 and that you're now living apart from your ex, but when threads like this are flagged up to us, we like to post links to our domestic violence page - just in case the information on there may be helpful.

We also just wanted to say that we've added a warning in the title so that folk are aware there is a photo they may find upsetting. We hope you don't mind.

All the best to you and your DC.

Thanks Lou. No don’t mind. And shame SS aren’t equally concerned. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The pic is from 2017 but you were together right up until last summer when he ended it?! I feel sick. Your poor poor kids. I don’t understand why the school would need to disallow him access. Just make sure you’re there to pick them up & don’t let him near them surely.

I actually don't know what to say. So I'll say nothing.

I've had to read this a couple of times before I was clear. My initial thoughts were total disgust that an adult could hurt a child like this. And now I think I understand that you remained with a man who was abusing your children until he called a halt on the relationship. Have I got this right?

Yes, I think you've gotten that right. From the age of 2 until 8 for one child. I actually don't trust myself to type. I need to walk away from this thread as I'm not in a position to answer reasonably.

Your location is on that photo op...

Make sure you get a residency order when you go to court. Imply to him that its standard for the primary parent to uave it. Gives you more legal rights, for example, it means he cannot take the kids from school without your permission. It becomes illegal for him to keep the kids without your permission. You have the legal right to deny access if you have safeguarding concerns. You can show the courts that you support the father/child relationship by offering supervised contact, phone calls or have the kids write letters to him. The courts will be more sympathetic than SS and will back you if it looks like you are protecting them but not cutting them off

Why haven't you shown this photo to the police? Or social services? I would do so now. Sure, it's nearly 2 years ago but you need to report this to the police now.

Those bruises on your dc are definitely not 'low level', whatever that is. It's abuse. Abuse that's been going on for years!
Who has seen the photos op? Did you show them to social services, the police? Or the school?
You obviously took the pictures to document what was going on, what did you do with the evidence?
I would no way be allowing him access to my dc.

To the judgemental cows too busy clutching their pearls to offer any empathy why dont you fuck the fuck off to hell and stay there?

Clearly your lives are so fucking perfect you have no concept of how things are for those of us who have to live this shit.

I ended the relationship actually. He walked out on his DCs.

This abuse was occasional and rationalised by the perpetrator and promises and promises were made.

I had young children, no income, no job a life long illness. I thought the best thing I could do was stay around so that I could make sure it didn’t continue and that they were never in the situation they are now where they are left in his company unattended.

His family don’t believe me, my oldest friends don’t believe me, police don’t believe me, the kids aren’t disclosing anything to anyone other than me and SS aren’t interested.

No ‘agency’ has seen the photo. The police wouldn’t see me. SS wouldn’t talk to me.

What, exactly, oh perfect and wise ones, do you suggest I should have done?

Thank you mum I’ll talk to my solicitor

I thought the best thing I could do was stay around so that I could make sure it didn’t continue and that they were never in the situation they are now where they are left in his company unattended.

Yet he continued to abuse them for 6 years?
Why did it take you that long to determine your method wasn't working?

@TooTragicToBeFunny you might want to crop the photo as it gives a location at the top. Also, I'm very local to you, and if you ever need a ear or a shoulder, please PM me. I have no other advice other than your ex is a piece of shit. X

We're going to take the photo down for the OP but leave the thread up (unless OP would like to discuss us taking it down).

@TooTragicToBeFunny
No. Any sympathy for you left when I learned that you were allowing the abuse of your children to carry on for 6 years! Yes he’s a monster, but you are supposed to be a safe adult for them. You are supposed to protect them. How you ask? Go to a refuge! Sign on for tax credits! Just stop him seeing them! I know plenty of women who have stopped their partners from seeing their children for ridiculous reasons & yet you seemed to be more concerned that people will think you’re unhinged if you stop him?! It. Does. Not. Matter. How. It. Looks. Their. Lives. Are. At. Risk. FFS.
Mumsnet is crazy sometimes. Introduce a man to your kids before a year & you’re the worst mum ever & putting them at risk. Stay with a man who beats your children for 6 years & somehow you’re the victim. JFC.

Im finding it hard to believe SS arent interested here. they are involved with me for ALOT less. And you say they wont talk to you yet I cant get rid of them for like I said ALOT less.. hmm doesnt add up 🤔

Introduce a man to your kids before a year & you’re the worst mum ever & putting them at risk. Stay with a man who beats your children for 6 years & somehow you’re the victim. JFC.

I agree unfortunately.

Sorry... you've had that photo since 2017 but nobody has listened to you?

You know if you'd showed the photo you'd have been listened to and chose not to

You waited till the relationship was over till you decided to speak up for your kids. Why?

I could understand you worrying the kids would be taken off you - yet you "apparently" have been trying to get people to listen and they haven't yet you have a photo with evidence and have done for 2 years

You are only trying to get people to listen now because you've broken up and nobody is listening to what sounds simply like a woman scorned trying to vilify her ex.

I hope you are thoroughly investigated because how does anyone know he is the perpetrator and not you?

Just please don't fuck up your kids lives anymore

Domestic abuse relationships are complex - it's not easy to leave, it's easy to believe the apologies and promises... but being in one does not excuse your own responsibility when your kids are harmed. Please take some responsibility ffs!

At no point does the OP say her ex was abusive towards her, just the children.