How do I believe him?

[whydoesmybraindothis]

Hi all, new to this place so please bear with me.
Bit of background - as a child my parents split when I was young although always got on for the sake of me and my sister.
We didn't really know until we were older that my Dad had cheated on my mum multiple times and that was the cause of the marriage breakdown
My dad was kind of in and out of our lives as children so we never really trusted he'd turn up when he said he would, or relied on him for anything although our relationship with him has improved as we've got older

I was married for 7 years to a man who was 'safe'. Things were ok but there was no passion, no love and in the end the relationship broke down.
I've been divorced about 6 years now.

I then got into a completely toxic relationship with someone who completely love bombed me and then treat me like shit (lies, excessive drinking leading to angry outbursts, projecting all blame for his faults on to me etc etc) that relationship ended and I was single for a couple of years

Fast forward to now and I'm with a new partner who is, for want of a better word, perfect. We've been together around a year. He's thoughtful, respectful, kind, caring, loving and the right mix of passion and fun.
However for a reason I can't explain to myself I'm really struggling to let him close. We haven't rushed anything, we lead separate lives and see each other maybe 3/4 times a week but he's made it clear he's serious about a future with me/ loves me.
With my previous partner (the toxic one) all my friends/ family were trying to warn me off him (of course I didn't listen!) but with this one they're so sure he's perfect for me.
I want him to be, but I can't get out of my head when he says he loves me he's only doing it to throw me off the scent of something. Like he's hiding something from me and saying he loves me just to keep me quiet. I hate the way my brain makes me doubt everything he says because he really hasn't ever done anything to make me doubt him, I just can't seem to believe him no matter how much I want to
He's open with his phone, never hides anything (that I'm aware of). When we're not together he rings me regularly, always texts to say morning/ night/ he loves me etc but I get really anxious thinking he's texting someone else/ arranging to meet other women
Someone help me! Why am I like this?
I read all the time about trusting your gut but I really don't trust mine! He's genuinely never done anything to make me doubt him but yet I still do

Hello most of your experiences with men have been disappointing and its a habit to feel you will be let down. Its once bitten twice shy. Perhaps you should get some counselling to help deal with your trust issues. Your OH sounds great and you dont want to jeopardise a good relationship. Many men wouldnt dream of cheating and are kind and loving. You’ve been lucky to find one.

Hi, thanks for the reply
I did consider counselling, I wonder if that might help. He hasn't got any idea I doubt him, don't want him thinking I'm a nutter
I honestly think he'd be mortified if I told him I didn't believe him
I wouldn't know where to even start with counselling, do you go to your doctors? Or just google it?!

Find a counsellor registered with the BACP or BPS.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/how-to-choose-a-counsellorpsychotherapist?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI64rn86yt4AIV1YXVCh2X1AHjEAAYASAAEgLlevD_BwE

Thanks! I guess part of me doubts if they'd be any help! What the previous poster said was right really, most men in my life have been a disappointment so I have no faith in them anymore. I do think I've learnt to only trust myself and suddenly letting someone else in, no matter how much I really want to, is so so difficult for me.
Sorry I know i'm rambling, I'll have a look at the link you sent

I second the recommendation for counselling.

Could it be that you’re used to the adrenaline, blowing hot/ cold in previous relationships so him being very safe and consistent seems too good to be true?

Don’t give yourself a hard time, past experiences do change our behaviour and feelings whether we like it or not. You probably doubt him so that subconsciously you won’t be so disappointed if he lets you down like you have been before.

Hi.

I think its great you are considering counselling. This could be through the GP or privately- which would be more expensive - but faster.

Failing that - personally - talk to him. My wife & I are both in counselling now as unfortunately we were not the best a communicating and are now tackling later than we should. We are realising how little we knew about each other's relationship history etc & what support we both need going forward.

The counselling is really helping my / our communication and giving a more levelled perspective.

Good luck.

There's been the odd occasion when I've had a little wobble and asked him if I can trust him (although I've never gone into too much detail) and he's always reassured me and been open to talking but I then tend to brush it off as a joke. He is really easy to talk to but I guess because I've built up so many walls I'm scared to let my guard down in front of him and make myself vulnerable.
It's nice being able to talk even just on here so I'll definitely look into the counselling

"However for a reason I can't explain to myself I'm really struggling to let him close. "

You know the reason, as prevuous poster said you've had major examples of men not being trustworthy.

My guess is he will never be able to reassure you. You will need to re-train yourself to take tgst leap of faith. To balance your fear of hurt eith any feat of missing out.

Don't ask him for proof he is genuine, this isn't empirical evidence and will also most likely drive him away. Instead do your analysis.

Does he feel trustworthy?
Does he make you feel genuinely good?
Is he where he says he will be?
Does he treat you the way expect to be trestrd5?
Is he nice to others etc?

I expect on your previous relationships there were signs, especially with your dad, disappearing off for periods of time, that you could not rely on him. So don't take tgis man with same brush as your dad and toxic ex.

@Italiangreyhound thank you. I know you're right.
I can honestly answer to yes to everything you've asked. In the year we've been seeing each other he's never let me down, he's always where he says he's going to be. If I go anywhere without him (nights out with friends etc) he always checks I get home safe. He does nice things for me, arranges lovely dates, I could go on and on about how great he is 🙈
I just constantly find myself looking for reasons not to trust him and because I haven't found any I've just talked myself into thinking he must be a really good liar as opposed to him actually just being a genuine guy!
I'm really cautious of driving him away which is why I haven't asked him for proof of anything. The occasions I mentioned before were more light hearted than anything off the back of conversations we were having at the time.
Other than that I haven't questioned him on anything. There's times when his phone buzzes late at night and my inside voice is screaming 'who on earth is texting you at this time?!' But I don't allow myself to say anything because my logical side knows it's nobody I need to feel threatened by (it's usually his younger brother .... and if he's awake he opens his messages in front of me without a 2nd thought)
I know the issue is me, not him. I love him so I don't want to get into a relationship (as I have in the past) where I'm constantly accusing as it just turns things bitter

You sound very wise OP. And sorry for all my typos!

I do think a few sessions with s counsellor would help.

You need to learn to trust. Most of from fairly happy safe together homes did that automatically.

I had that type of fairly happy safe together home but I developed OCD as a teen egoch led to anxiety later in life.

I've had counselling. I am still having it and it's helped. I had CBT in my early thirties because I kept 'fortune telling' the worst case scenario and found bring out and about, especially on public transport very hard.

My fears were illogical.

Your fears are logical, some men do cheat and behave very badly (so do some women) but this man is proving himself to be trustworthy so the fears are overblown and risk the relationship.

You seem to be handling it well. However, if you want to move on further, live together, get married, have kids, you will need to trust him even more.

I really hope you can because he sounds great. But even if he keys you down in small says, we are all human. Don't tar him with the same brush as the guys who did let you down.

And give yourself permission to be happy - you are worth it and deserve it.

Hi

It's great that you are aware of this and want to tackle it before it gets too big. Completely agree with Italiangreyhound. As I'm finding out in my own counselling - sometimes we only think / hear what we want too regardless of what ours partners may say.

In the heat of the moment it's very easy to overthink things or apply far more significance than needed & it could become self destructive.

And the end of the day it's trying to learn the triggers and manage them accordingly. It's great you can talk together about this too. But please tackle this sooner than later, either through here / counselling or other mediums, it will be important to tackle this hurdle and put it behind you once and for all.

All the best.

lets you down

down in small ways

Thank you so much for your kind words. I half expected people to tell me I was being ridiculous
I don't put him on a pedestal. I know he's human and I wouldn't expect him to never make a mistake but to me cheating isn't a mistake, it's a conscious decision. I'd say in my early 20's I probably was quite needy and dependent and felt like I needed a man to be happy where as now I don't. Being single wasn't horrific, I am fine by myself but I do enjoy the warmth and love that comes with being in a relationship.
I guess I just want to be able to relax and trust that he's not going to hurt me

You sound pretty self aware. I think it's less about trusting your gut and more about trusting your judgment- based on the objective reality. Some people aren't able to see the reality. Sounds like you are. And that you know things are fine. And that you are worrying about unlikely scenarios you have no control over.

And if they aren't (fine)--well, you can't control that. There is nothing to suggest it. There is always some uncertainty in a relationship. You have to become comfortable with that. And you're doing the right thing to practically protect yourself in the worst case scenario (happy life away from the relationship).

Counsellor and/or CBT would help, I think. As per previous suggestions.

Yes I think during my single time I had plenty of time to reflect back on my love life and see where things went wrong!
I don't think counselling would help me discover why I am the way I am as I'm fairly sure I already know, it's more about trying to learn to allow myself to trust and not constantly create scenarios in my head that aren't happening
I had a few non relationships in my late teens (always seemed attracted to the bad boys!) who ended up cheating on me and then I met my now exH who was the definitive opposite of a bad boy.
Looking back there was never any spark with him, he was so sensible and reliable and safe and I think I clung onto that. As awful as it sounds I don't think I was ever in love with him which is ultimately why we broke up. We're still good friends though, he's recently got engaged to someone else and I think he too now realises that our relationship was never quite right!
Then I seemed to flip back to the bad boys for a little while which left me a bit broken before I took myself out of the dating game for a couple of years and focused just on being happy with me.

The guy I'm with now is a great balance. There's intense chemistry, he excites me but at the same time he's reliable, treats me as a priority and makes me feel good about myself. I really don't want to mess it up because of my own insecurities

Dirtybadger spot on, "I think it's less about trusting your gut and more about trusting your judgment- based on the objective reality. "

He's very open with his phone? So you go through his phone then?

@Mummylife2018 no that's not what I meant. I just meant if he's sat next to me and gets a message he never hides it from me/ leaves his phone lying around etc