Alcohol and husband

[nombrecambio]

My friend is having problems with her H and alcohol.

I'm offering all the support I possibly can but I really don't know what advice to give.

Her H has been going out on huge benders with alcohol related memory loss. He can be quite angry when he's drunk.

When he's sober he's apologetic and says he loves her.

He doesn't want to stop drinking but has admitted he has no awareness of limit and needs to stop binging. He reigned it in for a few weeks but has had a huge relapse on one night.

They've had a pretty hideous few years including losing their baby at a couple of months old. He says work pressure leads him to drink. He won't get counselling.

Friend is distraught.

What advice can I offer? What is practical? What's the best steps for her H?

This post makes him sound like an arse... he truly isn't! He's a wonderful husband but when he drinks he becomes someone else! ... which will lead people to say "he needs to stop" but he has to make that decision for himself!

She can talk to Al-Anon.

Thanks. I've passed that advice onto her.

Yeah great guy that prefers to get hammered out his head has no control over his actions and gives not a shit about his wife, she knows what to do and that’s dump the alcoholic and let him fuck his own life, she’s got free will and she needs to look after herself he surely won’t

@nombrecambio, I agree with previous poster, al anon should be able to advise.
As a child of an alcoholic father, I would wish this on no one.
Is this a recent behaviour? After the loss of their baby ?. If so, it could be triggered by grieving and loss. Maybe he doesn't know How to cope after such a huge loss andvid work is stressful, that can't help either.
You're being a great friend, looking out for her.
Sounds like he needs councelling but if hewont go Wollongong, I'm not sure what your friend can do.

#if he won't go willingly ... sorry for typos

Could it be that drinking is triggered by the tragic loss of their baby?
It may be that he is grieving and is anaesthetising himself against the pain through drink. He may have no other outlet for his grief so he drinks unhealthily to shield himself.
Not good for your friend but it might be a way in for her to address the drinking with him - he probably need serious counselling?

It would be really good for her go to an Al-anon meeting. You could go with her as moral support. It's so nerve-wracking walking through the door the first time, but she will find friends there who truly understand what she is going through

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/find-a-meeting/

Thanks for replying.

I sent her the link to AA. They're overseas but AA have an online chat.

I do think it's due to the loss of their baby but he says it isn't and it's all work stress. He never processed what happened and closed down. He won't talk about the baby.

Friend thinks he needs counselling and is tempted to issue an ultimatum. She's so scared he'll kill himself in an accident.

It has gotten progressively worse since the baby passed away. When we lived in that country with them, H & my DH would have a few drinks together while friend grieved with me. When we moved away he started going out and losing control.

It isn't every night. Maybe a couple of times a week and he did stop for over a month.

He is a good guy. The drinking is obviously shit but he isn't a shit. Friend has a limit but she won't walk away from her H easily without trying to help him.

Al-anon is distinct from AA in that it's for family and friends of alcoholics rather than alcoholics themselves. There are meetings all over the world so hopefully she can get to one.

It does sound like he's using alcohol to deal with underlying issues. She can't deal with them for him, she can only support him if and when he gets help for himself, which maybe, if she gets support herself, she'll be in better shape to provide. I wish her well

she won't walk away from her H easily without trying to help him

Ironically, walking away may be the best help she can give him.

No-one can stop him from drinking; only he can make that choice. And at the moment, there are no real consequences to his drinking that he can perceive. I think your friend should get some support from Al-anon (as other posters have said, Al-anon is distinct from AA) and then consider her options.

Ah ok! I've just googled and found out that AA and Al-Anon are different. I had no idea. I thought it was interchangeable terms.

I've sent her the link to Al-Anon world service office.

Hmmm... they've been through so much the last few years. I know that can result in relationships breaking down but she doesn't want that at this stage.

She did threaten to leave a few weeks ago and he managed to stay sober or only have a couple of drinks for weeks.

After this set back, she feels hurt and angry, and he feels remorseful and more adamant he'll stop.

He thinks he can just stop. Maybe he can but friend said she's just waiting now.

He said he won't go out anymore but that's not an option as he does lots of liaising with clients. It's unrealistic to say that.

He won't be able to just stop drinking; like many people with alcohol dependency problems he is in denial of just how bad things are. I would also think he is also badly underestimating just how much he is drinking here too.

Has he explained why he won't go to counselling?. What is he so afraid of here that he sees a bottle as being of more help to him (it really is not helping him and alcohol can be a cruel mistress).

Your friend should really attend Al-anon meetings; they are very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking. The only person she can help here is her own self; she cannot rescue and or save her H here. He has to want to do that and do so without what he could see as coercion from her.

I agree with Tribpot; the best help she could actually give him here is to walk away. Currently there are really no consequences for his actions.

In my unqualified opinion I think he is so stubborn about counselling because he's scared (not sure if that's the right word) that they'll make him talk about the baby he lost.

We did discuss a while ago the possibility that if things don't improve how she could leave. He's British, she isn't, their other child has a British passport, they live in a country where if they separate he will get full custody of their child (not related to nationality, just the law of the land).

That isn't the reason she's staying but it's something she needs to think about if she gets to the point she wants to leave.

A lot of areas have support groups to families of alcoholics and addicts that don't involve the 12 steps like Al-Anon.

There are many layers here.

The end game is he stops or their lives are destroyed (including that of their DC) or she leaves.

He will only stop when he wants to. She is wasting her breath begging, pleading, worrying, managing him etc.

She needs to accept the 3 C’s of alcoholism:
She didn’t cause it.
She can’t control it.
She can’t cure it.

What she can do tho is to protect herself and her DC emotionally.

Al-anon hold your hand through this as they teach you to “detach - with love”. This means that you are not part of, or emotionally enmeshed in the alcoholics dynamic. That the alcoholic then endures every consequence of their actions. If this happens they may reach their rock bottom and work to turn themselves around.

So she should firstly concentrate on herself so that she can be there for her DC who is suffering the loss of a sibling as well as a parent to drink (he is not present emotionally when he is drunk, hungover or preoccupied with the next bender - so this is 24/7). DC will also have lost his DM to grief for some time - so your friend needs therapy to support herself first.

Al-anon is to cope with the alcoholic not manage / fix or deal with it. She needs to decide if she has the desire or the capacity to want to cope with it or if this should even be her priority right now given her own grief and her emotional responsibility towards her child.

They try couples counselling - it may open him up enough to then do counselling on his own.

Thank you for the advice.

They are a wonderful couple and are genuinely good people which is why I care so much about them.

They've been through hell and are still so kind and caring.

I've passed on the advice and she's definitely going to contact Al-Anon. I hope he can fix it before he hits rock bottom. They don't deserve this. Life is so unfair.