need advice re Mother - Stately Home/NC related

[AmIMe]

Hi, my username is Thisisthelaststraw. I changed to this when I was testing the data breach issue and I can’t get back my original name.

I need urgent advice please. I’ve recently gone NC with my mother. It’s a long story but I’ve been firm with myself that it’s the right decision for me. I’ve been consumed with guilt (made worse by the fact it was her birthday recently and for the first time ever, I didn’t contact her) and relying a lot on the support of the stately Home thread, another I posted here under a different name and two books that we’re recommend.

I didn’t expect any contact from M because that’s just her. She’ll be viewing her ‘not contacting’ me as a punishment. My db is leaving for Canada on Sunday. It’s only the two of us so she’s effectively being left alone now.

She has one close friend (just a busy body, nosey, drama queen imo) who has just tried to ring me. I missed the call but she’s left a voicemail saying nothing was really wrong but could I contact her when I got the message.

I rang db to see if he knew of any urgent reason I should make contact and he said he’d also received a call from the friend. She asked had he left for Canada and said that M was very upset and crying. M has decided months ago that db was (insert all bad names under the sun) and she’d never talk to him again. During my last conversation with her she said she didn’t care if she never laid eyes on either of us again. Then, when she realised I would no longer talk to her she starting talking to him again. He extended an invite to dinner to say goodbye but she hasn’t gotten the message because apparently something is wrong with her phone (according to friend).

I’m on my phone not checking for grammatical errors so sorry I’m advance and also hope above makes sense.

My question to anyone who knows about or has experienced NC is should I call the friend back? I’ve blocked M’s number and I don’t think she would have been trying to contact me anyway. I think friend just wants to be ‘the helper/saviour’ for M. No doubt she has been told a pack of lies by M and really she’s not going to say anything to me that will make me change my mind. She’s just try to guilt trip me.

Knowing (or assuming) all that I feel desperately sad for M. She has made life so difficult and sad for herself and I wish I could save her but I can’t. I’m heartbroken and grieving and I don’t know what to do.

I would contact the friend and state your position and request that she not contact you again.

I don’t think I have the courage to do that

I was thinking of just ignoring it and blocking her number but if anything did happen, an accident or medical emergency, I’d need to be contactable.

My db will be gone for two years and the only other family she talks to is her sister who lives three hours away and has her own troubles.

My head is spinning with it all. I love her and dislike her in equal measure. I’ve just come to realise she will never change, never accept responsibility for the pain she’s caused and will only end up hurting me again and again but I feel like to cruelest person alive by going NC.

I don’t think there’s any answer to this thread because maybe I’m not prepared for the answer.

I’m sorry for rambling.

I am nc with dm and would choose to be still uncontactable regardless of her state of health tbh...
If it was a mobile send a message saying you aren't to be contacted and why. Then block.

Don't contact her. If she has anything urgent to say she will leave another message. It's all manipulation. Your mother is probably manipulating the friend now too, in her effort to get to you. Even if your mother did get ill you are not responsible for her. You don't need to be a point of contact for her with regard to doctors or hospitals. If her friend is so concerned then let her deal with her. Your brother is getting away after being sucked in again, bet he can't wait to get on that plane. Your mother is crying because your Db is heading off for a couple of years, not because of you. If you were going she'd be getting the friend to call your brother. It's all bullshit. You don't need to respond at all.

I've been NC with my father for a year now and I know how you're feeling

The friend is a flying monkey so you need to ignore, and probably block her too. When my flying monkey got in touch she reactivatef the fear, obligation and guilt and set me back many months of recovery.

In my situation my husband has not blocked any of their numbers so they can still contact him should they choose. They don't contact him though, as he tells them straight and they don't like it. He hasn't been manipulated for years like I have.

Thanks everyone for replying. I very much appreciate it.

I’m not going to respond. I don’t know if she’s been sent in by M or if she just decided to contact me without M knowing. M has threatened suicide many times down the years and it was usually to keep me in line but she has MH problems and I’ve never been sure she wouldn’t do it.

I’m worried now that if she is genuinely at a very low point and realising she has ended up alone she may try to take her life. My gut tells me it’s crocodile tears to manipulate me but if she did do anything to harm herself I don’t know how I could live with it.

I thought I was going to cut contact, grieve and somehow move on. I didn’t have any other plan because I was determined it had to stop. Now I don’t know how I feel. The FOG is well and truly in my face at the moment.

AmIme, even if she were to become ill, to hurt herself, that would not be your fault. You cannot stop her. She has to make her own decisions. Did it occur to her that her behaviour was causing you such pain? I doubt it.
You have to be the focus of your life, do what works for you. She had her chance to build a positive relationship with you, but it wasn't important to her.

Does her sister have your contact details? In which case she would presumably be able to get hold of you in an emergency and you can block friend

I really feel for you in your dilemma, having been in similar situation several times with my dM, (who has since died), and know all the stress and pressure of the situation you are in. I cannot offer advice, except be true to yourself. If you truly do not know what to do for the best, don't rush it, take time out to be calm and quiet, and ask for inner guidance. If you can do this in the spirit of trying to find the right answer, without rancour if possible, the answer should come. Am sure you will make the right decision.

I really don’t think it’s ever bothered her to cause me pain. Many times that was the objective.

My aunt is in contact with me so that’s a good point. I could be contacted if needed. I’m not sure how I feel about that long term though. This is all very raw and recent (the NC not the history).

I’m just going to ignore her friend.

Thank you all for your advice

Well I didn’t do as planned. I text her back and told her my M had made it abundantly clear she never wished to see me again and that after years of hurt I had decided I no longer wanted a relationship with her. I suggested she ask my M for her sisters number should a next of kin ever be required in an emergency.

She text back saying my M loved me and was always worrying about me. Said she didn’t tell M she had contacted me or db. She said her own dd hadn’t spoken to her over a silly row in over two years. Said she wished someone had spoken to her dd and maybe things wouldn’t be as they were. Said my M was a very lonely women with only friend and her partner to call friends. Said life was too short and her own mother died ages 52 and she’d give anything to have her back.

I text back with all due respect you have never been on the receiving end and have only one side of the story. M never paused to consider the hurt or damage she has caused me yet expects everyone to stop their lives and pander to her when she’s upset. Said her circumstances were her own making and I was not responsible for her actions. Said I didn’t wish to discuss it further.

She didn’t text back.

So that’s one flying monkey batted away!

Well done! Just want to reaffirm what a pp mentioned that you are not responsible for your mother’s actions.

I think you did the right thing, well done x

Well done op!!

Well done. Very brave. Sounds like she is the same as your mother. The whole ‘her dd stopped talking to her over something silly’ is classic narc blaming.

That is perfect. Now block that woman's number. If your mother threw herself into the nearest river and drowned, you do know it would not have anything to do with you or what you have done or said over the years. It would be her choice. But I would imagine all talk of suicide is empty threats anyway and if she had any real thoughts of it and was truly in a dark place then her friend would no doubt get her to a Gp for professional help. Now if your aunt starts to interfere you'll need to be blunt with her also. But don't be too surprised if you hear from her in the near future.

Thanks everyone

I’ve blocked the friend but I doubt she’d be contacting me again anyway. I made it clear I wasn’t interested.

I had a panic attack when I woke up and suddenly realised what I’d done. I wouldn’t have recognised before now that the panic was because I had ‘broken the code of silence’ and outed her to her friend.

I’ve been reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and it has really helped along with all the support I’ve been given here.

Thank you all so much