Feeling Stuck

[Vanilla93]

I'm unhappy in my relationship and have been for a few months now. I've told my partner this a couple of times. He promises to change but he doesn't...

We have an 18 month old son together. Our son wasn't planned, I fell pregnant within 3 months of us dating... before that though, I wanted to break up with him. But I stayed with him cause I fell pregnant and I wanted to make things work. He's 21 and very immature... I'm 25.

During my pregnancy we both lived with our parents, we lived 2 hours apart. We met through an online video game... He doesn't work, he didn't look for work while I was pregnant even though I kept asking him to. I didn't work while pregnant either... I didn't have a job before and thought no one would hire me.

Long story short! We have been living together for the past year in a granny flat next to his parents house. His parents let us live here rent free. We only pay the internet bill. We both receive wealth fare payments. He still doesn't look for work but he is with a job agency that occasionally get him a job interview. He's relying on them and making no efforts himself.

I'm a stay at home mum. I told my partner from the start that I wanted to be a stay at home mum. He wants me to work too, but I'm worried if I do get a job I'll be the only one working and he'll slack off even more..

He spends most of his time playing video games. He will change our sons nappy sometimes and give him baths. I had to struggle to get him to change nappies at first though...

To be honest, he feels more like a second child or a needy best friend than my partner. He has diabetes but he's not managing it. The only thing he does around the house is take out the trash even though he's home all day like me.

Whenever I talk about leaving him he gets upset and says he loves me and our son and doesn't want us to move out. He says he will change, but doesn't. I'm not happy here, I feel stuck. I feel like this isn't what I signed up for. I moved 2 hours away from my family for him and it feels like he isn't trying, though he always says he is if I bring it up. He tells me I want him to change too fast. That he's trying to change but it isn't fast enough for me... well our son will be 2 in 6 months.. I think he has had plenty of time that he chose to waste playing games.

We are both suffering from depression and take anti-depressants for it.

He's also made a lot of negative comments on my body in the time we have been together. Especially after pregnancy. I'm bigger than I was before I had my son. Once he told me that if I get any bigger he will no longer be sexually attracted to me, but he'll still love me... He has put on weight too from his diabetes but it doesn't bother me.

Any advice please? Should I wait and see if the change really comes? Or leave? Do men ever really change?

IME men don’t change and waiting and wanting them to change is the way to heartache and sadness. Decide what you want to do for you and your son and then do it. Don’t take the easy option of doing nothing, as that is also the way to deep rooted sadness. I’m sure you don’t want that for your son. Good luck.

That’s not a relationship, he is simply a mill around your neck. He’ll never change, why would he?

Sounds like you're only together because you got pregnant. I should move back.

Apart from the joy of having a child this all doesnt sound like much fun. If you left could you stay with your family get a job to support yourself so you can get a place of your own in time? A struggle i know as you wont get maintenance from someone whose not earning but you are young and you’d be free to be independent. Thats got to be better than now . Wishing you well

Lazy shit syndrome is incurable I'm afraid and when he starts getting feet amputated from poor diabetic control you will have another toddler in a nappy to care for.
He is a rubbish partner and probably causing your depression, also a lousy male role model for your child.
Get rid and start your life.
What you have now is and never will be a life.

Your child is 18 months old, and he still hasn't sorted out his diabetes. This is not only lazy but potentionally dangerous.. He doesn't care about you or your child. He is self centred and childish. You are only there to help him be nothing. And accomplish nothing. You and his parents enable him to be a fucking child.

He won't change, he doesn't need to.

You however need to regain your self respect and confidence and look towards a better life.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate your honesty and I know you are right.

I'm planning to stay at my mums with my son for a few days to think about what I'm going to do. I know I need to end this. I'll probably move back in with my mum and look for a job and a place of my own.

You have made the right decision. You don't need to be in a relationship with this loser just because you have a child together. If you hadn't become pregnant, the relationship would have ended long ago. He doesn't sound very nice at all, and he definitely needs to grow up. Good luck.

Hi again... !Update!
I haven't left my partner. I tried telling him I wanted to stay at my mum's for awhile, with our son, cause i was thinking of ending it as i have been unhappy for a long time.

He was waiting to hear back from a job interview and asked me to please wait to see if he got the job. I thought he didn't get cause it had been over a week.. he needed me to drive him to work if he got the job so I didn't go to my mum's that week. He ended up getting the job 2 days later. So he worked 3 days then the weekend came and I went to see my mum with just me and my son for the weekend.

I didn't enjoy myself at my mum's house... I have 3 younger siblings still living at home, all teenagers and very selfish. They treat my mum like a door mat tbh... especially the youngest one. So my siblings had their friends over even though my mum said no cause I was visiting. So it was a full house with loud teenagers being loud even though my son was asleep... very disrespectful.

It just made me remember why I didn't want to live there anymore... plus there is weed usage... and head lice in that house. As well as a German cockroach infestation.

I love my mum and my family very much. But I really don't want to go back there to live unless I absolutely have to. Cause it is not a good environment for my mental health or my sons well being.

So I'm thinking a part of why I haven't left is because I like living in this granny flat. I like living in a clean space with no weed or headlice... the cockroaches migrated here unfortunately.

Back to my partner getting the job... while I was at mum's he went to a friend's birthday party and got drunk. So he felt like crap on the Monday. He wasn't gonna go to work but I made him. I told him to take food with him cause of his diabetes. He didn't take any food... so he calls me later in the day to tell me that he's been fired and to come pick him up. They fired him cause he was feeling faint from low blood sugar and told them about his diabetes. They didn't know and he assumed his job agency who got him the interview told them... so he was a liability in the warehouse environment basically.

That was a couple of weeks ago now. He hasn't been looking for another job and I told him not to till he gets his diabetes under control. But he's not doing that.. he takes his tablets but he hasn't gone to see a diabetes specialist like the doctor told him to... our eating habits aren't healthy either... but he leaves that all up to me and I find it stressful because I ask him what should i buy or what does he want to eat? He just says he doesn't know but he's sick of eating the stuff i buy... he's no help.

So we're basically back to the way things were before. I don't know what I want anymore... I guess I want out but don't want to go back to my mum's.

Are there any other relatives with less crowded houses who you could potentially beg a bed from for a couple of months until you've got a job?

Or, a relative who has enough spare cash to loan you a deposit on a rented house?

My sister and my grandmother might let me stay with them. I dunno...

My partner is talking about wanting to have another baby... he is a baby himself with the way he acts and he still doesn't have a job. I do want another baby one day, probably not with him since he isn't reliable and has no idea how hard a newborn is with the lack of sleep. I'm still on the pill so it's not gonna happen. Is this a sign of him afraid of me leaving though? Does he want to trap me further with another baby?

I don't know what to do anymore.

Could you contact the council re housing? Just for you and the baby? It doesn’t sound like you want to be with this man anymore but don’t know where else to go (which I totally understand). You can still encourage a good relationship between him and your son. Hopefully he will grow up a bit and start managing his diabetes and get a job. But you shouldn’t have to hang around for years waiting for this to happen.,

Have you done anything about the cockroach infestation?