Okay so this is a long story and I'm not looking for sympathy or anything because I know I am in the wrong here.
Basically, I cheated on my partner of 9 years last September. I slept with this guy twice who I grew close to (I'll explain just how this happened....). My partner found out at the end of October and he decided to stay with me, even though I told him 100% I understood if he left me as I had hurt him so bad.
But.... 5 years ago, my partner had a baby with my friend. I was 34 weeks pregnant at the time and me and him had been living separate for three weeks. This was due to domestic abuse and him being found guilty for assault by beating against me. So we had temporarily split up as he hated my guts for pressing charges and giving evidence against him in court. Anyway...in those three weeks we were separated he decided to have a one night stand with my friend. Who ended up pregnant. Anyway I didn't know he had slept with her or even knew her but we got back together after those three weeks were up as I was about to give birth to our son and I had forgiven him for the abuse. He was sorry and I took him back..... New year's Day 2014 I found out via Facebook this girl and my partner were expecting a baby. Obviously it didn't go down to well with me. I was distraught and within 24 hours I had gave birth myself due to the stress of finding out. 2014 was a horrific year because I decided to stay with him despite the whole baby with another woman situation. End of the day, we weren't together so I guess I didn't have a leg to stand on. But it took it's toll mentally and I ended up under psychiatric care and on antipsychotics. It was a tough year. The woman had the baby and she started playing mental games. Made our lives hell. Anyway, she ended up pregnant again to somebody else. And then again to somebody else (she had four kids to four different dad's in the space of four years....) . Now...the last baby she had...she claimed it was one of my best friends son's baby (my best friend is in her 50's, after being fucked over by somebody my age I started associating with a different crowd). So I was like 'woah hang on a minute, shell play games with you all and it'll be her way or the high way' kinda thing and me and my friend's son because close that way because we shared something in common. When the baby was born, he had doubts about paternity as he had been a one night stand and the dates didn't add up in his head but this girl was adement. So I said, I'd arrange a DNA test and be middle ground so that she can't say he had messed with the test and so he couldn't say she was a dickhead about it kinda thing. So we done the test, the test came back as he was not baby's father and she tried to say that we had messed with the test. But anyway, that's how me and this guy who I slept with ended up bonding.
And one thing led to another last year which resulted in is sleeping together. Twice. But it was never gonna amount t to anything more than a quickie because he's a player. At the time, I was kind of like "haha" to both my partner and the girl because I knew she'd be jealous and I knew it was kind of like revenge for the mental hell both her and my partner had caused me. But now I look at it and I'm ashamed of myself because two wrongs haven't made a right and my partner is beyond hurt. I have totally destroyed him.
Is there any way to make this easier? It's been like 5 months and he brings it up every day. I can't have Facebook or Instagram anymore because he doesn't trust me. He accuses me of wanting every man on the street etc. And to an extent j can understand. But that is the only time I've ever cheated on him and I have zero intention of ever doing that again. I feel so frigging bad about it. But is there anyway I can help him get through this????