Have you asked your significant other to do (or not do) minor things, but he or she doesn’t comply and you’ve given up asking even though it still irritates you?

[AlessandroVasectomi]

It’s all part of living together, I suppose. We’ve been together 43 years now and I accepted long ago that she just isn’t going to comply, but it doesn’t stop the secret irritation. Examples are:

• when you have driven my car, I don’t mind having to re-adjust the mirrors etc, but please move the driver’s seat back so that I can actually get behind the wheel. (She is 5’2”, I am 5’10”).
• when you come home late at night, please switch off the outside lights rather than leave them burning all night
• when you use the utility room sink for soaking clothes prior to washing them, trimming flowers before arranging them in a vase, scraping the mud off your boots etc etc, please clean the sink afterwards
• please don’t place musical instruments or electrical items (such as hi-fi components) next to or near radiators
• please don’t place precious family photographs where sunlight will fade them

I could go on. And I daresay she could list several similar requests to me that I don’t comply with, so it all cancels itself out at the end of the day. But it helps to rant on here. How about you?

All your comments sound very pretty.
But I expect over time they have blown in in your head to be on the same level as don't cut my leg off...

I don't think they sound petty.

Have you asked her outright why she dismisses the things you ask? Hard to know if she is lazy, wanting to irritate you or frighteningly stupid.

If I were citing them as grounds for divorce, I agree they would be petty. But I did start by saying that it’s all part of living together and we have been together for a long time.

Over the years there have been some successes. For example, when we were first together I had to ask her repeatedly to put the milk back in the fridge when finished with it. She didn’t (or wouldn't) see that if left out for long periods it would go off quicker, but she eventually got to returning it to the fridge when finished. Another that I have given up with, however, is leaving the sweepings in the dustpan when using the dustpan and brush. When I want to use it I have to empty it from last time if it was she who last used it. I cuss to myself, but it’s a trivial matter and no longer worth getting worked up about.

When you love somebody, you tolerate the shortcomings because they are outweighed by the good points. It doesn’t mean you don’t get mildly irritated, you just deal with it and move on to the next thing. I don’t think my DW is stupid, just has different priorities and can’t get worked up about the little things that irritate me. She isn’t a thoughtless person and yet some of the things I’ve given as examples (and others that I haven’t) do appear to be inconsiderate.

But I also asked about you. What are the things you’ve given up asking your co-habitee to do or not do but still irritate you?

How about not tidying up after her?

My DH would leave his clothes on the floor in the bathroom and I would always pick them up but one day I thought let’s live how he does and left mine there alongside his. He picked them all up.

He doesn’t do it anymore.

I can list a few...

• Just feeding the cats without ever washing their dishes

• Never wiping the kitchen surface down after preparing food so leaving crumbs, drips, etc

• Never dealing with his own skid marks in the toilet (grim)

The car thing - do you adjust the seat back to the position she needs to have it, after using it?

I used to get moaned at work for not returning the car seat to what was universally seen as the default man setting. Fuck them. Men are not the default setting despite what they think.

category12 - they shouldn't have to, it's their car.

Alessabdro - I would leave my sweepings in the dustpan in your situation.

Not putting rubbish in the bin, instead he leaves it on the side next to the bin. I've mostly given up moaning about it but if I'm in a bad mood then I'll have a good rant!

Oh sorry, misread.

I dunno. What are the things you do that irritate her?

Dp has a habit of jiggling his leg when he sits down. He's not aware he's doing it unless you tell him. Then he'll stop but will do it again after 10 minutes. It drives me nuts. I'm relaxing with him in the sofa then it starts shaking.

When I’ve pointed out things, for example leaving the loo roll tube on the floor when putting a new loo roll on the holder, I get “Oh, it only needs putting in the bin” in a that’s-no-big-deal tone of voice. If it’s so simple, why don’t you do it then? That retort gets a reaction along the lines of “Are you looking to pick an argument or something?” If I leave the tube, it will get in the bin eventually, but why isn’t it put there straightaway?

The examples other posters give underline my initial observation that it’s just an inevitable part of living with somebody else, so you either like it or lump it.

The little things are annoying (& if never balanced out by lots of nice things they do, they become a deal breaker)

My list of little things

-leaving his dirty socks, pants and wet towels on the floor, when washing basket or towel hook were 2m away

• leaving washing in the machine for days after saying he'd do his own washing since he keeps 'running out of socks and pants' 😂😉...(which after 13 years of asking him to/picking it up myself- would instead be bagged up by 'his side')

• waking me up at 6am because he couldn't find matching socks

• never rinsing sink after shaving and cleaning teeth (grim)

• missing toilet/ never cleaning toilet (double grim)

• never rinsing out bath or shower after use

• dropping rubbish by bin not in bin

-leaving dirty coffee cups and plates by the bed/sofa/on table for the tidy up fairy

-using every pot in the cupboard for one meal 😐 and leaving them

-not realising ovens aren't self cleaning

• leaving pots pans and trays soaking by the sink for 5 days (I waited to see, merely reminding each day that they were still there 😁), when "his turn with washing up" because you know putting like warm water in things washes them up very effectively as they magically get cleaned and put away without any more effort on his part

• using my car and leaving it with empty petrol tank for Monday morning rush hour without mentioning

• ignoring DC

-Only taking one DC of 3 if he goes out without me to a child thing, then saying "he's had DC all morning" and disappearing off to rest

• buying enough food (steak, etc) for less than two days using whole week's budget, when it's his turn to do weekly shopping.

• not helping to set up or clear up after parties at ours

We both work. But only one of us 'works' outside work iyswim!

(Tbfair, i divorced him. Not for the above but it didn't help!! 🤐🤐 )

My DH is ALWAYS moaning about this or that, usually petty things like yourself. It is quite annoying cos none of it actually matters? None of the examples you have given would bother me (and a few my dh would say to me tbh lol). Proper dirty things would bother me such as what pp described like rubbish next to bin and crumbs all over the bench.

We each have our list of things. Sometimes we moan about things off the list, sometimes we laugh about them. Mostly we live and let live. Like you say, if it isn’t a big deal and it becomes apparent someone isn’t going to do it then it’s not worth going on about. She probably isn’t deliberately ignoring you, she just doesn’t think and maybe she does these things some of the time but you only notice when she forgets.

You make her sound like something unruly that you're trying to train to behave in the 'right' way. The right way being your way of course....

My point is that I gave up long ago trying to get her to be a little more considerate about certain things that, in the broader context, don’t matter. They just make for more harmonious co-existence

My husband only recently told me (after nearly 15 years of driving together) that me pulling up the handbrake without pressing the button really irritated him, and I have made an effort not to do it any more because I love him. Learning to close the kitchen cupboard doors and leaving used tissues around took me a bit longer when we first started living together (honestly wasn't aware that I did it )

Now all we need is for him to stop breathing loudly in his sleep and to learn to chop vegetables properly and life will be perfect.

My ex doesn't put the car seat back into my position when he uses my car he has long legs so it makes no sense to be cramping himself up to adjust it for me and he won't get it "right" anyway

He doesn't put tea bags in the bin either won't handle raw meat won't eat veg either there are a hundred nit picky things I could say about him life is too short

Oh and he once accidentally tidied my mixer into the freezer ot still works but he has never lived it down