Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He wants to move, I don’t.

10 replies

Papayapeach · 08/02/2019 12:59

My other half and I have been together 7 years, with 2 young daughters (5 and 2).
Recently we have been struggling financially due to me having to leave my job - with high childcare and travel costs along with other bills I seemed to be loosing money each month.
As a result finances have been tight and previously we were on the verge of buying a house but now that just seems to be pushed further away.
Now he wants to move 3/4 hours away to be near, and in first instance live with, his parents. I understand his reason for wanting to do this, cheaper cost of living etc but with his parents working full time it’d be exactly the same with childcare, just with a more frequent babysitter should we wish to go out in the evening. But the real issue seems to be he is fed up of paying the majority of the bills ( he earns the bigger salary and still works full time).
He has a very turbulent relationship with his family not to mentioned our life is here and I’m aware me moving there would make me feel incredibly isolated and I would soon be unhappy (long weekends there are just about enough for everyone).
I just feel at a loss as he doesn’t seem to understand why I don’t want to move there, Yes we may not own a house and money will be tight for a few months but I don’t see that as being the end of the world. We have a roof over our head and two happy girls and now it’s gotten to the point he’s considering moving on his own - whether this is just him throwing his toys out the pram I don’t know, but it’s frustrating that he doesn’t seem to comprehend how much of a big move it would be and we’d still have to rent a new place (as I’m certain his parents wouldn’t want us staying there long term) leaving us in the exact same boat, just with a potential free evening babysitter.

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 08/02/2019 13:02

I don't think either of you are wrong.

But I don't understand how childcare meant you were losing money when working, but you are worse off now. What do you mean by other monthly bills?

If he is finding the financial pressure too much, can't you look at ways you can ease this for him by working evening or part time?

Boysandbuses · 08/02/2019 13:04

Sorry, as well was he expecting you to cover all child care costs?

Papayapeach · 08/02/2019 13:17

So I would pay the childcare, water, has, electric and my travel which some months led to me becoming overdrawn. I wouldn’t say we are worse off now as such, yes we’re missing my income but all it means is he needs to make his money last and spend the next month or so budgeting. I just struggle to understand how for him the only logical solution would be to uproot and move, when there’s no promise that either of us will instantly find work, or a place to live, instead of being patient for me to find a part time job (something I am actively looking for).

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 08/02/2019 13:33

Why were you paying all the childcare? Aren't his children also his responsibility?

ShatnersWig · 08/02/2019 14:16

Recently we have been struggling financially due to me having to leave my job

Why did you have to leave your job?

Confused2009 · 08/02/2019 14:45

Didnt you just split the bills 50/50? Why were you paying all the childcare?

Boysandbuses · 08/02/2019 14:46

Who earned most and who paid the most in bills?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/02/2019 14:53

Surely all the childcare and bills are family costs and should be paid out of the family coffers, not your wages? What was he paying for?

It sounds as if he's maybe feeling under pressure as the sole earner now. If he's in FT employment where you are, surely it would be daft to chuck that in and move to an area where NEITHER of you have jobs?

You have 2 DC, you're a family unit. Or is he still of the opinion that his wages are his own?

MMmomDD · 08/02/2019 15:03

Are you married?
If not - why did you quit work and become financially vulnerable in a situation where you aren’t protected?
Instead of moving - you need to go back to work and share childcare costs. This way your earning potential won’t be affected.
Don’t be one of the many MN threads of unmarried-no career-he left-what do I do...

He is being selfish in many ways here. And since the quitting your job was a joint decision - I hope? - him feeling bad about paying all the bills makes no sense.
Who else should be paying them?

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2019 15:05

Put your foot down with a firm hand and just tell him "No"! It wouldn't work. Live with his parents? What do they think about that? And what about his job? He's seriously suggesting that you two (both unemployed) and two dc, could all move in with his dps, who presumably would have to pay for everything! I ? Shock

New posts on this thread. Refresh page