Has anybody rebuilt a successful relationship with a parent after an abusive childhood ?

[IveGotAlpen]

The title says it all really.

Has anybody done this ?

I was emotionally and physically abused (on occasion) as a child.

I've remained close to my mum as an adult apart from a few outbursts but this is more because I didn't acknowledge or realise the seriousness of everything until I had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with a few mental health issues.

I keep having waves of intense anger and guilt and tearful episodes. This happens sometimes when I remember certain things . It's like flashbacks and they make me feel very uncomfortable.
I think I could have some unresolved issues around it and I have read up about trauma bonding. Maybe it's this .

Has anyone ever forgiven their parent or rebuilt a relationship?
Sometimes I want to go NC but it scares me.

Thanks

Hi. My relationship with my mum has also been difficult.

Have to admit I don't know anything about trauma bonding but i know the bond with parents is powerful. It can be hard work to free yourself.

I have found counselling helpful. While cutting out all contact might be what some people need i feel like my outcome will be a changed relationship, a more healthy one for me. Not necessarily the relationship my mum would choose. I'm becoming more realistic about what it might look like.

I wonder if even if you didn't have contact would you still have to work through the "anger and guilt" and sadness you describe. I wonder if you have considered therapy to think about things?

You might get more input on the relationships board.

In a sense but it wasnt severe abuse. Very minor physical stuff and mainly emotional stuff.... she herself was abused by her mother worse than that so as an adult I do have sympathy... as she had no real example of how to parent at all... she has also had rare moments of lucidity where she has apologised... shes just quite fragile and unstable... I cant spend long amounts of time in her company without going berserk but I do try and focus on the fact that I know she loves me deep down she just does not have the emotional tools to express it healthily.

I try to keep distance and have to remind myself to take nothing she says or does personally.
It helps that she lives abroad and I only see her about once a year. Probably speak on the phone once a mo th.

When I first left home at 16 we did not have contact for several years.
And there have been a couple of times I've gone nc for a while since then. But in the most part its ticked along. I dont want to fall out with her.... and the thing about her is that she wont be abusive on purpose, so she doesn't try and interfere with my life or anything... it's more that she cannot handle her own emotions... so interacting with her regularly is hard.

I think it really depends on the person and why and what they did, as to whether you can rebuild a relationship with them.
Do you really want to have a relationship with them? Because if it's only bringing you pain then perhaps NC is the way to go?

I did want a relationship with my mother... what helped me move on massively was constantly reminding myself that it was her illness and not me that was the cause of things. That it wasnt about me at all. And trying not to dwell on past hurts that I would never get justice or apology for. I let go of expecting that because she cannot fully understand what she did... I think she cant accept it because it would hurt her too much, I think underneath it all she has very low self esteem caused by her own childhood. So I just stopped trying to bring it up. I think of it more as an unlucky tragedy that befell me rather than something she actively did to me.
I've just stopped blaming her because I'm an adult now and if I want to move forward what is the point of looking back at that constantly. It cant be undone and she cant even understand or accept it.

Having my own kids gave me more insight into how she must have been feeling... I think a lot of her parenting was completely undermined by her abusive mother.. and actually I can see that in some ways she has made attempts not to be like her mother was to her to me.. which makes me think at least she has tried so she must care. It's just that she did not do particularly well at it.
In her more lucid moments she also revealed she had pnd and was very I'll after having me... she felt like she never bonded and that i hated her and preferred my father.

I feel quite sorry for her now despite the mental things she did to me.

No is the short answer. I realised the relationship with my parent wasn't going to be what I needed to be happy and healthy, it wasn't a positive in my life. It was a relief to draw a line and say I'm done with contact with you. My focus is my own family, I need to be happy and well for them.

Thank you everybody for your replies and insight.

I am going to look into counselling or therapy. I did approach talk plus a while ago but they told me my mental health was too bad (?) as I had a diagnoses of BPD they didn't deal with that.

Do I need to speak to a doctor for this ?

I have recently being distancing myself a bit more from her but then get the guilt trips.
Since having my own child I realised how bad my childhood was and I don't want her spreading her toxicity to my son. There have already been instances of her undermining me or saying things like ' oh you want nanny not mummy don't you ' which make me feel shit and uncomfortable.

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

@thighofrelief101

Thanks for your reply.
£15 per week sounds more feasible for me. I'm a bit worried about going to the doctors though. I was discharged a few months ago and I never told them about the abusive childhood as I hadn't really faced it myself yet. When I had a crisis it made me realise a lot of things and I linked it all together.
I have borderline personality disorder, which was diagnosed last year. It makes a lot of sense as childhood trauma can cause it. ( I've done a lot of reading about it trying to understand) haha. I had a crisis team and mental health nurse, I also saw a psychiatrist who gave me the diagnoses.
I am late 20's. It is only the last year where I've really been trying to come to terms with everything, and to stand up to her. But then I feel extremely guilty because she will play on my emotions and be manipulative. Part of me has always wondered weather my mum had an undiagnosed mental illness. She can be quite childlike, prone to outbursts and emotionally manipulate ( like BPD ) it would make sense. But I hope to never be like her so I work really hard to manage my mental health.

The 'staying in your own lane' advice is very good. I am going to try and stand up to her more, but she sulks or one words me which fills me with guilt, sadness and anxiety. I am probably caught up in FOG. But it makes me feel like that little girl all over again.

I am very torn weather I want a relationship with her . Cause when we get on we get on well.

Yes although my mother was an alcoholic.
She was horrendous and unreliable. When she drank she was physically abusive and occasionally emotionally abusive.
She doesn’t drink now like she used to. I’ve grown up, become more confident and I keep her at arms length. We’ll never have a loving relationship but we’lol have a laugh and a joke, she has a decent relationship with my children but I don’t discuss any personal issues with her. She’s a very judgemental person so I limit what I tell her.

I don’t show her any weakness if that makes sense x

Yes, I have a reasonable relationship now with my emotional and physically abusive parents.

I never thought it possible as I have carried so much hurt and anger over many years.

They mellowed over the years and are now more respectful to me and loving grandparents to their many grandchildren.

I am glad I was able to forge a relationship of sorts with them as after being N/C with them for a long time, it is so much easier now to be part of my wider family now, sisters, nephews, nieces etc.

It works for me, and has been positive for my DC, we will never be close and I live a long way from them (on purpose) but it has bought me some peace.

I now do have some happy times and memories with them which I didnt have before.

I am not 'healed, I never can be but forgiving the past has helped me to move on.

I was taken away from abusive (alcoholic) parents at age seven and separated from my siblings. I remember some of what happened beforehand quite vividly but there are large gaps. I spent a lot of time in children's homes and temporary foster placements. This was a few decades back, these were badly run with overstretched carers and few safeguarding issues in place. I was further abused by several older boys, as well as a carer, whilst in placements. I didn't get a permanent home until I was 14, with the people I now think of as my parents.

I did, at 17, try and succeed to find my birth parents, as well as my biological siblings. Both of my parents were now sober but my mother was still incredibly spiteful and narcissistic and showed no remorse for what she'd put me and my siblings through (out of 4 others siblings, there is a smattering of addictions, MH problems and convictions between them). My father, however, did try very hard and we eventually built up a good relationship. I don't see him very often but it's always a happy occasion when I do.

Thanks for your replies everybody.

I don't think it helps that there are other things going on in my life and that is why I'm getting myself in a rut.

Sorry to hear everyone else has gone through abuse :(