What to do next?

[changingagainagain]

There is a long and complex back story and I have posted before, but in a nutshell I'm in a very unhappy marriage and don't know how to end it. I have 3 children from previous marriage who are in their teens and my husband (their step dad) treats them in an awful way. It's basically emotional abuse, nothing physical but daily criticism, shouting, losing temper and nit picking over the smallest things. They are really unhappy at home and I worry about the long term effects of this on their mental health. This has been getting worse for a couple of years but in the last year has been really bad. I've tried talking to him about it SO many times but nothing changes and we're way past that now - I don't want him here anymore because of how he treats them. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong apart from occasionally admitting that maybe he lost his temper but blames it on their behaviour (which is very standard teen behaviour made worse because of how he is with them). Anyway, I've asked him to leave and basically he is refusing. I've brought it up several times and get "oh this again" or "you can't cope without me" sort of responses. The situation is made more complicated by the fact we had a baby together a year ago so he is using her as his reason for not leaving (one time he said he wouldn't leave unless he takes her with him). We own our house together but I own a bigger share. What can I do? Should I seek legal advice?

Is the property in your name? Do you rent?

It's in joint names and we own it (mortgaged)

Yes seek legal advice. Since you are married, the property is jointly owned along with all your other assets. Unless you took legal steps to protect them.

He is entitled to stay until you agree a financial settlement. But you may be able to take steps to get him removed. A solicitor will advise you if this is an option. Explain the situation with the children and ask for ways you can protect them.

There’s nothing stopping you starting divorce proceedings even if he stays. He won’t get residency as they won’t split up the siblings. He will get access.

You aren't firm enough with him on your decision. You ask him to leave...he's been abusive for years...but you proceeded to have a baby with him and ties yourself to him for life pretty much.

You won't get him to go immediately.
It will affect your children and while you still live together start supporting your DC ...and they need to see you supporting them.

Call him out on his behaviour every time. Your DC will have more respect for you when they see you standing up for them.

Tell him if they've done something wrong to tell you and you deal with it, as he's incapable of respecting them.

Thanks Lemon. We are tenants in common with regards to owning the house, with a specified share in my name. That's interesting about residency. Of course I'm more than happy for him to have access to his child, it's the effects of his behaviour on my older children that I'm concerned about at the moment, and indeed how that is impacting on the little one (he'll shout at the older ones whilst holding little one). Thanks for the advice.

Emotional abuse is a crime now, you can report him to the police. Video him being abusive to you/your children and report him. Emotional abuse is so damaging and stays with you for a very long time if not a lifetime - it's been going on 2 years too long.

I know Mouseville - part of the complicated story is that SS have been involved because my older children spoke to someone at school about how unhappy they are and it was referred on grounds of EA. I'm trying not to give too many identifying details. Basically the social worker was awful and within 5 mins of meeting my children she said it wasn't a safeguarding issue as 'it's not like he's hitting you or anything'.

What that person failed to realise is that abuse is not just physical in nature. There are many different types of abuse too.

Have you as yet contacted Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations; they can and will help you leave your abuser here. You can also seek legal advice which I would urge you to act on as well asap.

Word fail me reading about ss comments to people like you. Abuse is not nersasarily hitting, and all ss staff should be aware of this.

Thanks Attila and Canthear... I know and I don't understand how a social worker can be so black and white (not to mention misinformed) like that. I haven't contacted women's aid or rights of women but will look into that as well as legal advice.