Advice please..

[Bobbycat121]

Hi I have nc for this as
its quite outing so dont want it
linked to me. Posted in lone parents but no response.

I have a daughter with asd, due to her attendance (she has started refusing to go to school, screams and cries every morning and says that she hates school.) Im struggling to get her to school and this has effected her attendance as she has meltdowns and refuses to walk, which means we are late alot. Anyway instead of the school being understading and trying to help they have referred me to social services.

I had a social worker visit me today who said there was no excuses at all to be late, and when I tried to explain my daughters difficulties she said “other parents manage!” She also seemed quite obsessed with my ex being absent (I told her he hasnt had contact for over 2 years) and she actually said to me I should be trying to get him to have contact! even though he doesnt want to and thats its “not about me” and its about my daughter. When I said he wouldnt beneficial to her life, she didnt agree and asked if I had ever thought of sending him a message asking him to have contact?! I said no and that if he wanted contact he can go to court (which he wouldnt) because even when he had contact he was inconsistant and I dont think he should be able to just walk in and out but she wouldnt drop it.

She also asked about his family and why they dont want contact and that my child should have contact with the other side of her family! I am so shocked, this is a man who hasnt bothered with my children (I also have a younger child) in 2 years and has paid no maintenance but apparently
I should be chasing him to see
them?! For context ex was
violent to me and abusive so im quite shocked by her comments. She would be aware as I called the police and it was referred to Social services at the time but the case was closed quite quickly due to me having no contact with him. Does anyone else find this odd?? I cant believe she was saying I should be chasing my ex for contact. I also said you shouldnt be the one to chase the other parent if they dont want contact then thats up to them but she didnt agree clearly.

To add she said that if my children wanted contact in a few years, what would I do. And I explained that that would be something I would look into when they are alot older when they can make an informed decision but she again disagreed with me. Why would she be pushing so much for their father to see them?? even though he doesnt want to.
I dont get it.

I'd make a formal complaint and ask for a different social worker, one that has a good understand of asd.
She sounds like she absolutely had no clue how to do her job!

I am so shocked about the whole thing. I cant believe the school have referred me
to Social services over this. My daughter is refusing to go to school I dont know what I can do about that, I cant drag her there. I spoke to the senco about it who said she was “concerned” that I couldnt get my daughter to school when surely she should be concerned about why she doesnt want to come. like I said the social worker said there is absolutely no excuse for lateness and that I would be “taken to court over it.” I dont even know if you can ask for a different social worker?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Speak to the cba or a similar organisation for advice. They may be able to help you xx

I’m so sorry OP, I could understand the school referring you to SS if they felt you would benefit from this, to offer you support and help with her asd and aid to help you. However SW reaction is completely wrong, you you request to see someone different instead if they insist on another visit. The one who came out to see you should not be practicing, you can make a formal complaint to the head of children’s services about her conduct

You need an advocate. Social workers and schools put the childs needs first not your op. You need support so call a charity or help group to act as an advocate. You need to be aware what the roles and responsibilities of these organisations are.

I can understand the school referring you to SS because obviously the situation cannot continue as it is with DD not going to school, and i can understand the SW saying that there is no excuse for her not go. Her being at school needs to be the ultimate goal.

However, the obsession with the ex is strange particularly if he were abusive. If he wanted contact he would pursue it and by contacting him out of the blue you may actually make yourself and your children a target again. Perhaps the SW is thinking this is underlying cause of DDs behaviour although that would be a bold assumption without even talking to her.

Is there any support in place to look at the reasons DD doesn't want to go to school with her? Did the SW offer any support around ASD or strategies that may be helpful? I would focus on this. If you're not comfortable with working with her, contact the team and ask to speak to a senior or manager about your concerns. Say you'd like proactive help for your current situation not to compromise the safety of your children by contacting an abuser.

Thanks for the comments. No her father is not the reason she doesnt want to go to school, im not even sure how Social services would jump to that conclusion. She does go we are just late (which has effected her attendance) she says shes being bullied and shes scared to go to school but has limited receptive communication so thats all she will say. The school are saying that that isnt the case. It started around 6 weeks ago whereas her dad has been absent for 2 years. She didnt suggest any strategies no just that being late was unacceptable.