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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

WWYD - delicate situation in drama class

23 replies

SWlurker · 07/02/2019 20:14

Name changed for privacy.

I'm 48, and take a weekly acting/drama class just as a hobby. I am in a class of 20 people and one of them, R, joined because he'd had a stroke a few years ago and had been told that it would be good for his speech and mobility recovery. He's a nice chap, I'm really glad he's able to do something he enjoys and that seems to be be helping him. Scenes with him always go differently than planned as he has some mental cognition impairments to do with the stroke, as well as physical and speech impediments. The teacher and all of us are really supportive, cheering him on and I'm so pleased that in the time I've known him I've seen it make a positive impact on him.

Can you feel the "But" coming?

The class has a blanket no-touch rule. It's not necessary for anybody to touch another actor in a scene and it just keeps things not awkward.

At the end of year show last year, he accidentally grabbed my breast, hard, on two separate occasions Hmm I say accidentally because I do believe it was accidental, though the second time I was like really?? it was on stage, in front of an audience, the first time I just mentally brushed it off and I don't think he even noticed Confused the second he definitely did and was highly embarrassed and profusely apologetic. I think both times he'd gone to put his hands on my shoulder (still not allowed) and missed Blush it's inkeeping with other motor control things I've seen from him, like he'll go to put his hands on the back of a chair to steady himself while sitting down, and miss.

Since then I've seen him touch other people on the shoulder or back, and he's done it to me a couple of times again too. The teacher had a word with him about remembering it was no touch. Last night he touched three of us, all women, on the shoulder or back. I'm getting nervous about doing work with him. That scene he was particularly troubled by his symptoms, couldn't get words out, couldn't think of the next line etc, so I've no doubt it was logical to him to physically tell me to move (his line was to verbally tell me to kneel) because he couldn't get his words out, and was painfully embarrassed. Again, really supportive teacher (and I) helped him. Another, less awkward for R time and I'm sure our teacher might have reminded no touch, or I would have done.

I'm certain it's not deliberate or even careless, it's his difficulty retaining multiple threads of information in his head that causes him to forget not to touch.

Am I being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable? Im unsure how to handle it. I'm considering having a private word with the teacher and asking to just not be paired with R, and explain what happened and it's similarity to what's still happening. I desperately don't want R to have to be told again and for him to feel awkward or be chucked out of the class or anything, I'm fully supportive of him being there and I'm very grateful he has such a lovely patient and supportive teacher and classmates. But my boundaries matter too, don't they? I don't want to be touched in class, and following my unfortunate experience with him I particularly don't want to be touched by him in particular and risk the same thing happening again.

How would you handle it sensitively?

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 07/02/2019 20:18

You have to be blunt, the next time he touches you, speak up and so that's not acceptable. In sparing his feelings you are feeling uncomfortable and intimidated when you are meant to be enjoying your class.

He knows what he should and shouldn't be doing.

HeathRobinson · 07/02/2019 20:20

I wouldn't believe it was accidental.

StealthPolarBear · 07/02/2019 20:22

Sex pests have strokes too

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2019 20:26

You need to speak with the teacher and tell them this touching needs to stop. Now. I don't believe for a second that this is accidental. If R needs to be kicked out of the class, so be it. This is completely unacceptable.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 07/02/2019 20:58

Forget what is wrong with him. He is using it as an excuse and should be asked to leave if he does it again.

seven201 · 07/02/2019 21:01

I'm going against the grain here. You say you think he's doing it as he can't get his words out so is trying to touch a shoulder or whatever to communicate in a way. Obviously not great to be touched but personally I'd laugh it off and tell him I know he didn't mean to. That said if it makes you uncomfortable then it just does. Do as you suggest and ask the teacher to not pair you together where possible. I do feel sorry for him.

carrotflinger · 07/02/2019 21:08

I don't believe it's accidental either.
He needs to be reminded not to touch and if he isn't able to abide by the no touch rule then he should be asked to leave the class. The same rules apply to everyone no matter what difficulties they have.

We had a man in a musical group I play in who has some kind of mental health issue. No one really knows what. We tried to accommodate him and despite some outbursts and some inappropriate behaviour (not sexual or anything but not knowing how to behave in certain situations) things were ok at first.
Unfortunately he then started to follow one of the women in the group around all the time and play her romantic pieces during the break and basically would not leave her alone. She felt very uncomfortable and she asked him not to do this and then the chairman of the group spoke to him but it continued so he was asked (told) to leave.

I do think that groups and classes should try to accommodate the needs of people with mental health issues or in this case, after effects of a stroke because it is important that these people are included but if they are unable to follow the rules of the group (despite support being in place to help them) then they need to be asked to leave because others also have the right to enjoy the activity without having their breasts "accidentally" groped or being stalked around the place as in my example.

woolduvet · 07/02/2019 21:12

Does he touch the men accidentally too?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 07/02/2019 21:16

Maybe you should get a leg cramp /spasm and kick him in the balls......

TheInnerVoice · 07/02/2019 21:18

If the issue is that he can’t get his words out could you go down a middle ground route first by talking to the teacher about whether some other signal could be agreed for him to show when he can’t get his words out?

That way if it is genuinely not deliberate the alternative should be able to compensate for his lack of vocal coordination sometimes.

TBH while I can see that having your breast grabbed was uncomfortable, I’m not entirely sure why people would be so uncomfortable about having a shoulder or back touched accidentally and I would have been inclined to just laugh it off also.

Musti · 07/02/2019 21:24

I'd speak to the teacher and make sure he is paired with a man.

Rainbowshine · 07/02/2019 21:26

I was going to ask the same as Woolduvet - does he touch the men accidentally?

SWlurker · 07/02/2019 21:41

Yes, he does touch men on the shoulder too (touching anybody on the shoulder seems very habitual for him), and I've seen him miss on them too, causing him to either stagger forward slightly or swipe down their chest.

TheInnerVoice I'm uncomfortable because I'm concerned he'll end up touching my chest again. If he'd only ever put his hand on my shoulder, no worries at all.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 07/02/2019 21:44

He needs telling by the teacher. It's a hard rule for everyone.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/02/2019 21:51

No matter what his issues,it's making uncomfortable and it's against the rules. Even if it's not intentional and a consequence of his stroke,you do not have to like it or put up with it. Talk to the teacher wnd ask not to be paired with him.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/02/2019 22:01

It sounds cognitive. Even if it was just the women it could be due to frontal lobe damage causing disinhibition. Yes, talk to the group leader. She will have to decide how to deal with it, then you will have to decide whether that’s ok for you and whether to stay or go.

LaughingCow99 · 07/02/2019 22:04

If I had a habit of missing the shoulder and touching a breast, I'd stop touching shoulders.

TheInnerVoice · 07/02/2019 22:11

Fair enough OP then I would talk to the teacher about a different sign he could use e.g. a card perhaps or similar when he is unable to find the words he needs.

If that doesn’t work then perhaps something more but it’s about making reasonable adjustments in order to accommodate everyone’s needs.

TheInnerVoice · 07/02/2019 22:13

FWIW I had a problem with coordination after a long stay in hospital on ICU where if I e.g. brought a piece of toast up to my mouth my head said the toast was going where I thought it was going but my coordination took it right past my ear. It was incredibly odd and disconcerting, and my DM and DS had to practically feed me for about a week until it settled back into normality.

Having that kind of lack of coordination must be very frustrating as a long-term thing.

SWlurker · 07/02/2019 22:19

Thanks all. You've given me plenty to think about.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 07/02/2019 22:26

My bil has a stroke a year ago. He was taught to put his hand on someone’s shoulder when trying to walk. I wonder if in a nervous situation, this man is accidentally regressing to this instinctive “safe” mode.

Whatever the reason though, I do think you should ask not to be paired with him until he can keep to the no touch rule. It would be better for him to be paired with men, who don’t mind the accidental touching and he shouldn’t be upset by this if it’s explianed sensitively to him.

SWlurker · 07/02/2019 22:31

LizzieSiddal that could make sense, yes! And that sounds a very good easy of putting it, thank you.

OP posts:
Confusedfornow · 08/02/2019 08:30

OP, I'm sure your mature enough to cope without needing counselling.

Sad though that grown adults have to have a "no touching" rule just to be involved in a am-dram.

Clearly the world is full of perverts!

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