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Relationships

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Original poster

Anxious about Partners friendship with Estranged Wife

13 replies

loobz72 · 07/02/2019 19:41

I've been with my partner for 4 years. Not been an easy relationship with petty squabbles but we were engaged at 17 and split up 3 years later. He found me again after 25 years when his marriage broke down. However he is still married and I feel very uncomfortable with their friendship. They don't see each other much but she rents his parents house when they relocated to be closer to other family and they text/speak quite a few times though the week. They have a son, he is 25 and is independent of them both. I can't get my head around why I feel so threatened by her and why I believe in my heart that she wants him back and is just waiting for he and I to fall apart so she can pickup the pieced. She hasn't had a relationship or dated anyone since they split up 5 years ago in October. Can anyone offer any advice deal with this in a rational way please. Thank you hopefully

OP posts:

EcceInPictura · 07/02/2019 20:05

Personally I am more wary of voiced extreme emotions towards ex partners- I think the opposite of love is (romantic) indifference- not hate.

It sounds like their romantic relationship ran its course so it is now easy for them to remain amicable. She doesn't need to have had another relationship to 'prove' she's over him, she's probably just happy by herself.

As the mother of his child (even though adult) she is and will be very significant to him- and his ability to maintain that away from a romantic relationship is a good thing.

That's just my perspective though

Original poster

loobz72 · 08/02/2019 02:52

I'd be inclined to agree if it wasn't for the fact that during their entire marriage he was unfaithful countless times with countless women. They married due to her falling unexpectedly pregnant. His "indifference" towards her during their marriage has resulted in guilt when it irretrievably broke down and therefore this friendship is born from feelings of remorse not a desire out of respect. I'm told I have nothing to worry about and the rational part of my brain knows this. But I struggle with the inner conflict.

OP posts:

Rachelle3211 · 08/02/2019 02:57

I would say you have plenty to worry about! He cheated on her the entire length of their marriage. Why on earth do you think he will be different with you?

Sadiesnakes · 08/02/2019 03:23

Yep, I agree you have lots to worry about here, he's a cheater and he's been one his whole life. You'd be crazy to think he won't cheat on you with his ex wife, or any other woman for that matter. You can't trust him. Simple as.

LemonTT · 08/02/2019 04:52

I would say that it’s not her integrity that should be in doubt. Your BF is an experienced cheat. You should absolutely expect this to happen in your relationship but you have no reason to doubt her. She has valid reasons to be in touch with him.

He is your issue.

NotTheFordType · 08/02/2019 06:14

OK, so he is by habit not monogamous. Assuming you want monogamy, what have your discussions centered on so far?

If your discussions have centered on his ex then you're not just barking up the wrong tree, you're in the wrong fucking forest.

Original poster

loobz72 · 08/02/2019 08:37

He says that from when we were 18, I am the only woman he has only ever truly loved and would never cheat on me. He met her 18 months after we split up and the pregnancy meant he felt he had to do the right thing and get married. He has always been very open to the point of over sharing on his past indiscretions probably with some kind of cathartic intent and determined to learn from the pain he caused, which is why I mentioned guilt and that he feels that even in separation, he would do what he could to help her and wants to maintain a friendship which might involve a catch up for coffee or popping to see their former family pet etc. As naive as this may sound, I don't think he would cheat despite there being plenty of opportunity being in the Military. I'd like to believe that he has learnt from his mistakes and the pedestal he had me on for all these past 30 years means that I am that important that he wouldn't hurt me. She of course is oblivious to the extent of his extramarital activity. I have never met heralthough there have been times where I wanted to and she didn't and vice versa. I have insecurities and this plays on them big time

OP posts:

LemonTT · 08/02/2019 08:49

She is not the cause of your insecurities. He is and the relationship is. He is a cheat and you squabble. There will be a reason for the split how ever many years ago.

Words are cheap and I doubt he told her she was second best for 25 years. I doubt he stayed with her just because of one child. They had 20 years together. If he didn’t have feelings he didn’t need to marry her and he didn’t need to stay with her. Plus he is still married, after 5 years. His reason for sharing his past could be honesty but it could be just a way of letting you know what he is like.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2019 09:06

Did she know he was a serial cheater?

Perhaps she's had enough of men and is happy single. Perhaps she keeps relationships private and doesn't tell him.

Why isn't he divorced so many years later?

He wasn't with you...and decided sleeping with lots of other women was the next best thing while being married.

pissedonatrain · 08/02/2019 09:25

He really is giving you a line of bull.

Your problem isn't her, it's him.
He's a lifelong cheat and liar.

The son is an adult so what is his excuse for not getting a divorce in 5 years?

I think you're wasting your time on him.

Musti · 08/02/2019 11:18

Oh come on op. What a line you've been fed. He was so in love with you (even though you broke up) that he had to cheat throughout his marriage? Seriously?? I've heard it all now.

MsDogLady · 08/02/2019 14:32

@Loobz, if he has had you on a pedestal for 30 years, then why is he still married to her and you are his girlfriend after 4 years?

Hanab · 08/02/2019 17:18

A case of having his cake and eating it .. ask him how it would feel if the roles were reversed?

Surely by now they could be divorced?

If he truly only loved you for so many years then why after of 4/5 years of seperation from his wife you are still the side chick/mistress/bit on the side/girlfriend/friend ..

Would he not be doing everything to finally make you his and his alone?

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