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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive and dangerous boyfriend-impossible to leave

19 replies

Weedhater · 07/02/2019 16:11

Hello,
I really want to get out of my relationship because I feel threatened, but I am trapped and cannot do anything!
He is often nervous, shouts at me for even smallest things if I do anything wrong, out of anger he smashed many household items, torn clothes and broke 2 windows in our house! He seems to understand that his behaviour is not normal, but even if he puts efforts, eventually everything blows up again! He is addicted to weed and if he tries to give it up, his nerves just explode. During one heated argument he told me he would strangle me and tried to hit me, so I escaped home and stayed with a friend for a week.
Unfortunately, I had to come back because we have joint tenancy. It means that I am responsible for any crap he would have done if I stayed at friends place. He threatened to trash all the house, break windows, appliances, take boiler out and cause flood, then escape and make me pay to the landlord. Even if it was just talks, my boyfriend could keep living, but not paying rent and bills. And I read that even if I give correct written notice to quit, this will not end the tenancy if landlord doesn't get vacant house back. And my boyfriend said many times he wouldn't move until court order is obtained. Landlord could make me pay his legal costs too...
If I speak to my agency, they won't listen, they will say that personal matters are not part of their business...
I feel very bad, but there is no way out. I cannot sleep at nights, waiting for his next anger outbursts and expecting to be killed one day. What to do? My friends are telling me to prioritise my safety and run away even if landlord will have to go to court and later asks me to foot the bill.
But... What a hell? Why must I pay for some abusive and mentally unhealthy leech?

OP posts:

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 07/02/2019 16:13

Next time ring 999. Your safety matters.
Write to your ll and ask he be taken off the tenancy. Write a list of the damage he has caused, suggest to ll he won't have a house left of he won't get rid of him.

Shinesweetfreedom · 07/02/2019 16:14

Have you spoken to the police with any of this.

NotTheFordType · 07/02/2019 16:28

please contact Womens Aid. They will help with housing advice and making a plan to leave SAFELY.

Original poster

Weedhater · 07/02/2019 16:34

But what to do with the tenancy? Nobody will be able to remove my liability unless he agrees to leave!

OP posts:

snowbear66 · 07/02/2019 16:38

Take photo's of the house as it is now, so you can't be blamed for any damage done later.
Leave.
Email the landloard say you are leaving and put it in writing why.Try to get the landlord's agreement to surrender the tenancy early.
Speak to the police.
Remember he would have half the debts of any damage, it's probably a bluff to control you.

Original poster

Weedhater · 07/02/2019 17:11

Legally it is impossible to get rid of tenancy or his name on agreement... And landlord can sue any of us for his full bill. I am scared that me might choose me... then court letters, bailiffs...

OP posts:

StormTreader · 07/02/2019 17:24

You need to speak to your landlord and the police.
There's no point going around in a knot of "but what if he....what if the landlord..." etc etc - you need to start informing people of the situation.
Take photos like previous people have said.

I suspect that you are looking for "magic words" that you can use that will get your partner to just quietly and peacefully leave and take himself off the tenancy without you having to have any difficult conversations - they don't exist. He will be an arse about it, it will be annoying and stressful to do.
In a year you'll want to hug yourself for sticking with it and doing it - its the best preset you can give yourself, like going to the dentist.

It will be unpleasant - its necessary.

10000days · 07/02/2019 17:25

Oh love, so sorry to hear you are going through this. He sounds awful and dangerous.

Have you tried speaking to the agency or landlord? You might be surprised that they can help you in some way. Not everybody is uncaring. My friend is a landlord and he witnessed domestic abuse as a child so he would try to help you.

It is worth a try. Also, it cannot hurt to call Women's aid and ask for advice. They will have helped women in this situation many times - they can advise what to do. You are not stuck, I promise.

Just pick up the phone and take it one step at a time.

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/02/2019 17:28

Speak to Shelter. They help with housing rights.

AngelaStorm73 · 07/02/2019 17:44

Ring women's aid, they may be able to help you into a refuge
The NCDV can help you get an emergency non molestation order and occupancy order also which will mean he has to leave not you

Good luck hun

EKGEMS · 07/02/2019 17:55

Who cares about tenancy? You should do what you have to do to stay alive! The tenancy will be sorted once the police drag your psycho boyfriend away in chains for either prison or a psychiatric ward!

Ragnarthe · 07/02/2019 18:49

You can get someone removed from the tenancy, the landlord can vary it if they want to. The snag will be that you probably both have to sign.
Honestly, I would talk to the landlord directly not the agent and explain the situation. I mean explain why you have to leave and that you are basically subjected to violence in your home and what can be done to get you out and not pursued for money.
You won't know until you try, just talk to them please. Don't get hung up about it, there will be a solution.

babba2014 · 07/02/2019 18:57

Hi,
Do not worry about the rent and charges for now.
My neighbour had a abusive husband. She is not from the UK and cannot return to her country either as her child was born here.
Eventually the physical abuse got so bad she had to call the police. The police removed him and he was not allowed to return except one day at the beginning when he was escorted by the police to get his clothes.
A couple of weeks later she was moved to a women's refuge with her baby. She has moved all her stuff too.
You need to get in touch with the police. Take photos of the destruction he causes and any bruises etc to your body and call the police ASAP. They will help you get out

Greypaw · 07/02/2019 21:36

I think you really need to call the National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247). There are steps you can take and they can talk it through with you.

In the meantime, I would keep all evidence you have of him threatening to trash the property. He knows this is your fear, so will keep using this against you. Technically you are homeless due to domestic violence as you are not safe to stay in that property. I understand what you say about the joint tenancy, but remember what goes for you goes for him too. You could also just disappear over the horizon and leave him with all the consequences. Not that I'm saying you should, but he must be aware that you could and I think that will give him something to consider.

If you can collect proof of his threats and the way he's treating you, you can report it to the police and get a crime number. The landlord ought to be concerned about this as he is making threats against his property.

Be aware that what could happen is that your partner is arrested and then bailed back to the property, so it might be a good idea to get to a refuge first before you speak to the police. From there the refuge workers can help you apply for things like non-molestation and occupation orders. Refuge workers will also be able to help you with the tenancy issue.

So if you can get to refuge, then call the police and arrange a civil order while the police are dealing with him, you might effectively prevent him from carrying out his threats before he gets the chance to do so.

Original poster

Weedhater · 07/02/2019 23:42

Thank you very much for advice! I am a bit relieved now.
Just want to ask, if he gets arrested for violence and later released, could I refuse to let him back in? Or quickly change locks and not give him a key?
Or... let in some friends of mine, all big men, and threaten that he will be sorted out if he tries to get access to the house? Not to beat him up, just scare him off?
Maybe that would prevent him from coming back and trashing the house, and in that time I could give one month's notice and move out?

OP posts:

DishingOutDone · 07/02/2019 23:57

Weedhater ring Shelter in the morning they will have the answers you need.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2019 02:28

WHY haven't you called the police?? WHY??

awesmum · 08/02/2019 03:32

You can get an occupation order and non-molestation order to have him evicted from the house and remain in it yourself. It's and FL401 form from the government site and free to apply for.

CockapooMum · 08/02/2019 03:46

Please get in contact with your local women's aid and see about going into refuge as this man will kill you if you stay. He will continue to manipulate you and threaten you as he knows he can and things will only escalate. In your situation I don't think removing him will be enough and you need to consider going into refuge where he can't find you and manipulate you.

I had similar situation 2 years ago and was told to abandon my tenancy 2 months into it. I was so scared I'd be held liable for the remaining 4 months rent of the tenancy agreement. The letting agency were useless as all they cared about was getting their money so don't listen to them. I sought advice from a legal advice charity once I'd gone into refuge and after they sent a letter to my landlord and letting agent highlighting that I was at risk of death if i stayed in the property and that I was breaking the contract under the law of 'frustration due to a 3rd party' - my ex and to stay in the property would be reckless for myself and my children and they would be seen as accomplices to his continued abuse by not allowing me to terminate my contract. I never heard anymore from the letting agent.

This was 2 years ago now and it was the best decision I ever made to go into refuge as finally I was able to sleep at night without waking up to him strangling me or forcing me to have sex. We now have a lovely home where me and my children are safe. Please speak to police or women's aid and get out of the relationship for your own safety.

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