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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Near the end of the relationship, partner suddenly almost perfect

12 replies

Stuffthinker · 07/02/2019 13:42

Hello! Just ranting I guess. I've written here before, having difficulties deciding whether to leave my boyfriend or not and how guilty I feel etc. I've now come to the conclusion I will do it this weekend. I've gathered up my strength and rehearsed my talk and calmed myself down and dealt with my guilt and I know it's gonna be soooooo difficult, but I know that I have to do it. However, he has been so nice lately! Especially during the past few days! And it plays with my emotions. He is out of nowhere almost a perfect boyfriend.
I am pretty sure he senses something is up and that is why he is so perfect - whether knowingly or unconsciously. I have been rather down, I haven't been very active, I have not gone anywhere else than my hobby classes, I have not asked him to do anything or expected nothing from him and now suddenly he is perfect. However, my brain tells me that as soon as I become the me I really am again, he will change back to him he really is. I need to go out and see my friends and have alone time as well and I have expectations regarding stuff that needs or should be done around our flat or so. But I feel guilty if I go out (it got better over time, I mean his reactions when I told I will meet some friends alone; but I was utterly hurt of his reaction when I told him I wanted to stay home alone when he had a family event; I haven't been home alone for months since he moving in my flat because he never goes anywhere without me) and if I expect anything to get done, most of the times I have to do it myself or ask him specifically several times. It is so tiring. Now I just noticed he has not paid his share for two months into our joint account which purpose is to save money for deposit for renting a bigger flat. So disappointed. Maybe he forgot, maybe he did not bother, who knows, but it is so bothering to me. I do not say he is bad, I just know we are so different and we must separate.

But it makes it so hard when I have made up my mind and now he suddenly is almost perfect. And I'm getting used to being a half-dead potato not doing or expecting anything.. I guess I could get used to being like this for the rest of my life but I do not want it!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 07/02/2019 13:53

You made your decision and nobody changes just like that. He knows the game is up.
I can't see any reason not to go ahead with your plans.

ravenmum · 07/02/2019 14:17

So basically, if you wanted him to keep on being a good boyfriend like this, you'd have to keep him on his toes by constantly acting as if you might dump him at any moment?

Stuffthinker · 07/02/2019 15:08

I guess so yes. It's just so.. sick. I just want to get it done with, and be free. I hate my emotions at the moment. I want to shut my emotions up somehow. I feel sick imagining his wet and sad eyes and promises he will be better. But I have to see and hear all of this and then continue living with him at least some time, because he needs to find a new place where to live.
I have no point in writing this, just want to vent I guess.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 07/02/2019 15:10

I would suspect he is looking at your internet history.

MostlyBoastly · 07/02/2019 15:11

He’s being perfect because you’re not levelling expectations at him all the time. Could he just like you more because you’re not on his case?

Stuffthinker · 07/02/2019 15:45

Well not perfect in every area, but a very big improvement.

According to his words I am perfect and the most beatiful and the most caring and so good etc. He is just lazy af to my eyes (we have totally different level of drive, ambition, self-/home-improvemet needs etc), but I would never tell him it, because I know that we are just different, he is what he is and that's it. I do not nag him, I rather suggest some things (and a few times he has suggested some things) - like how to improve our flat or what to achieve together - and then he agrees and seems even a bit excited but then he does not do it or does not show any initiative or anything, unless I remind him on several occasions (friendly, calmly). I usually do not nag or anything, and this is why most of the things never get done, get done after several weeks or I do these myself or if I specifically tell that ok, let's do it now, then he does it.
The things he currently is "perfect" about, are small things, but still things he previously did not even notice and suddenly he notices. However, the big things are still not done or not brought up.

The issue is that he does not notice things to do himself, and when he does or when I point something out, he agrees to do it, but never shows any enthusiasm, any drive, any initiative afterwards. I could perhaps handle it now somehow by lowering my need to improve something constantly etc, but if we had children - I could not take care of children and him. There are so many things that must be done in relation to children! And if he cannot do anything for us two, why would he be willing to do things for a baby.

For example, HE suggested bringing a steam cleaner thing and clean our carpet, couch etc. What a perfect idea. He suggested it around 6-7 months ago. I waited. He again suggested it 4 months ago. 3 months ago I asked so what he thinks, when will we bring it. He said yeah, lets think about it and changed the subject. I asked again like 2 months ago, he said yeah its difficult, we would need a car etc, lets think about it. I have dropped the topic now. It would seem like no biggie, but basically everything goes like this. I have to keep track of everything, otherwise it wont get done. OR he gets an idea, tells me, I say great, weeks go by, he then suddenly tries his idea, but it is not yet perfect, some peaces missing or something, I say wow, that is so great, how can I help etc, he tries a bit again, discoveres it is not working out this way and drops it. Although there are other options available how to handle it, but that's it. I have to then tell him the other options or encourage him to finish his project etc. It is exhausting for me.

OP posts:
Variousartists · 07/02/2019 15:50

Is this the guy who never wants to go out?

RiversDisguise · 07/02/2019 15:52

You sound a little bit emotional.

The steam cleaner thing is petty.

You sound like you don't know how to communicate to him but just stew.

It's no fun and no way to live.

Best to be alone for a bit most likely.

Gina2012 · 07/02/2019 15:58

You want someone different

He isn't who you want

You've decided this

I'm not sure what the problem is.

If he gets all weepy when you tell him that's something which you just let go

You're not living his life for him

You're living your life for you

MostlyBoastly · 07/02/2019 17:51

You’re not all that compatible.

Thehop · 07/02/2019 20:56

You two are best apart please just get on with dumping him.

Why hasn’t he paid his share for 2 months? Ask him for it!!!

crystalize · 07/02/2019 22:46

Your situation sounds so depressing. Bet you feel suffocated never having any time to yourself. What a total drain. For both your sakes you need to end this. Its uncanny but they can sense when you're detaching, getting ready to end it. Ive experienced this too. If you find it difficult saying it in words, write him a letter where you can express yourself clearly without the interruptions. Good luck op, you can do it x

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