PiL's not talking to us

[WhatthehellisplanB]

Backstory is DH not the favoured son, our DC not the favoured grandchildren. MiL seems to enjoy knowing their secrets and then acting surprised we don't know. They constantly look after BiL and SiL's child, rarely make the effort to see ours (birthday and christmas usually-which is fine). We do make the effort to see them, we go up 3/4 times a year, call regularly, send pictures and message them. More DH as they're his family.
We gave up trying to have a relationship with BiL and SiL about two years ago after constantly being ignored (I have posted about this before). We remain civil tho and always remember birthdays.
We had a first at christmas, a 'family meal' which we were invited to. These usually occur without us. PiL were ok, except took pictures of favoured grandchild and not ours. DH popped into their house unexpectedly last month and saw they have large pictures of them holding favoured grandchild around house. These are usually not out when we visit.
So thats the rough background. DH loves his parents and we do make the effort to have a relationship, though it'll never be as close as PiL and BiL/SiL. Thats ok, we're happy with a relationship.
So we've been trying to call them since weekend as thought we'd visit at half-term. Except the phone keeps ringing out or going straight to voicemail. After 4 days of this, we messaged MiL just asking if they're ok as haven't been able to contact them. MiL has read message. And not answered.
This is unusual. DH is gutted. He is firmly stuck in FOG. He knows his brother and wife don't seem to like us (tho we've never figured out why). Now his parents who he loves appear to be ignoring him. And he's wondering what he's done wrong this time.
Sorry that was long-didnt want to drip feed.
Any advice on how to resolve this would be great-I'm thinking I message MiL myself or call them? Or not get invovled?

Don’t get involved. You keep putting yourselves out there and being rejected and hurt. What positives do they bring to your lives? What about them adds to your children’s happiness?

Sometimes people are just arseholes. You sadly can’t reason with that and nothing you do will make them decent human beings. It’s heartbreaking but it’s a choice to keep going through it when you know the outcome will be more hurt and disappointment.

Have you read Toxic Inlaws? You’re right that DH is suffering from FOG but there’s no obligation if PIL are blanking you.

Focus on your own family unit, supporting each other and giving your DC a great life surrounded by people who love and value them.

I'd go NC with them. I know your DH loves them but they clearly bring nothing to your lives and treat you both like absolute shit. You also don't want your children to grow up feeling like the unfavoured grandchildren. I was that grandchild and frankly it was obvious and made me feel crap.

That being said, I would let them know why I'm going NC with them before I actually do. Write a letter or email and send it to them, highlighting everything you've put in the OP. Whilst it may well cause an argument or for them to blank you more, what have you really got to lose at this point? I think it's really important for your husband to feel heard in order to have closure on this...

Also, they're arse holes and you and your DP sound lovely having tried so long to keep a relationship going.

Thanks for answering.
To be fair to PiL, they do love our DC, I'm sure of it. They are very generous at christmas with presents. Christmas has always been spent at BiL's which is fine. Thats what they do. Our kids love them, I love them, DH loves them.
I've said he should tell them how he feels, but he doesn't want to upset them. He doesn't want to lose what he has. they're his only family.

Your poor DH, that's horrendous behaviour from his parents, how could you do that to one of your children I really don't understand. I would stay out of it if I were you though, maybe encourage your DP to speak to someone about it and help him to work through it? Poor guy, how upsetting

He doesn’t want to upset them but they don’t seem to care about upsetting him.

See, I would go N/C too. I went N/C with my twin because she treated my son like he didn't matter. I do have a good relationship with my parents and rest of family, so we have some balance.
But this is not my family, this is his choice what he does. Currently he's depressed and miserable. And sad. I just want to help him.
I'm also angry he's being treated like this and I feel our kids are second best.

I would not further pursue a relationship with his parents as there is no point in doing so. You will just make yourself more angry and upset because of their favouritism shown towards your BIL and his family.

Sadly your DH lucked out completely here when it came to his parents. This type of scenario also happens in narcissistic family structures. Your DH really does have to tackle his FOG through seeing a therapist ideally and one who is well versed in the nature of toxic families. His own inertia too when it comes to his family simply hurts him as well as you people. He may want to continue to have a relationship with his family of origin but that does not mean that you or your kids have to as well.

This will not be resolved because in his family of origin he was assigned the role of scapegoat. Therefore you all as his family unit are scapegoated accordingly. His brother (and his family unit) remains the golden child and thus favoured in this scenario, a role itself not without price either although he is unaware of the price to be paid.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward. You may also want to look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages too.

"To be fair to PiL, they do love our DC, I'm sure of it. They are very generous at christmas with presents".

They really do not and they are buying your children's affections. Presents are often used by such disordered of thinking people as a means of gaining more power and control; it also further obligates you to them. In future I would be taking all these items to a charity shop and not acknowledge such gifts in any way. Do not give such things any more power.

This sounds very similar to our situation. BiL has alway been the golden child; DH was pretty ignored through his childhood and even now they treat him like a silly child.

I went NC a couple of years ago for several reasons but DH has some sense of duty so tries to maintain low level contact. Each time he sees
them he comes home questioning why he bothers.
Sadly BiL & Sil waded in and made matters worse so that relationship is also broken.

Am sure they love the DC but hardly see them and make zero effort to make contact. On that rare occasion the DC get ridiculously spoilt.

So we've been trying to call them since weekend as thought we'd visit at half-term
They're avoiding having to tell you that they don't want you to visit.
No doubt they'll be spending it with sil and their dc.

He doesn't want to lose what he has. they're his only family
But he currently has nothing.
They aren't even responding to messages.
If I were you, I'd keep out of it.
But your DH needs some counselling.
He needs to get out of the FOG and start seeing he parents for what they are.

You've tried I would leave things and see how long it takes for them to contact you back