Because i dont know where to start i need to dive right in.
Husband and I have been in relationship for 10 years. I was 19 and he was 26 (something i would be concerned about nowadays) We have 2 kids, 5+3.
My whole (mostly traditional) family love him. He comes across very intelligent, worldly, cooks and provides for his little family. Great.
Behind the scenes, he CAN be controlling and aggressive, won't take no for an answer, is a bully, shouts at me within inches of my face, when i confront him he always tells me how i feel or what i am saying is biased, not how it is, im the one making him behave this way. You get the jist.
This is him when he is not high, he's a stoner, through the whole day, through the parenting, through his working days, 24/7. When he is high he is MUCH better to talk to and handle, as his ego isnt as forceful. He is playful and relaxed with me and kids. I prefer him this way i do. Thing is i didn't realize he was smoking so much before we got married. i didn't see his true personality until i was pregnant and asked him to cut the smoking and realized how different he was being !! Great, right!
Anyway, thats not the biggest issue right now for me.
After kid no.2 i started getting quite depressed. i felt stuck and alone, the usual PND. He was away working, travelling around the country for his job, progressing. And i felt stuck with no childcare and 2 demanding babes. I began resenting him. i was honest and open with him, tried explaining, he seemed to get it and "hear what youre saying" BUT things didnt really get better. i mean within a few weeks he forgets about it and consistency isnt his thing and i hate nagging so didnt bring it up again till a couple months later and this is the cycle that lasted about 2-3years. I couldnt find a job relating to my degree, we needed more money so i take pt local cafe job when he got back from day job, i volunteered, occasionally met up with friends, made sure i got an afternoon to myself once a week/or two! I was proactive enough to exhaust myself, make life outside parenthood and not "imagine things" were bad or projecting sadness onto husband.
So last year, things with him still weren't better. i felt i made effort to have a life outside of him, because that was the issue. not the fact that he kept undermining me, telling me i was just projecting my sadness onto him, blaming him.
we fought A LOT, several times a week. then i think he just couldnt handle our relationship as it was he started getting physically aggressive, grabbing/pulling/pushing/throwing/dragging me across the floor/shouting in my face/forcing me to talk when i couldnt get myself off the floor/mimicking me when i am bundled together crying/holding me down telling me that im a horrible bitch/telling me im throwing a tantrum like the kids, that im having another meltdown to not accept responsibility, that i was pushing his buttons acting this way making him behave this way ETC ETC. To me, i know its unaccapetable. he doesn't think its physical abuse because he hasnt "punched or kicked" me.
it breaks my heart realising the man i loved and married is doing this, and occasionally infront of kids. But because 90% of the time i would stand up for myself, fighting back, pushing him back if he came too close, slapping him if he tried grabbing me, hiding behind a locked door blasting music in headphones so i couldn't hear him shout and overwhelm me, or throwing something at him if he wont let me shut the door (uses his foot or strength to stop me) ive called him names, ive told him how its disgusting, how horrible it makes me feel, how he expects me to love him when he acts this way. Because i did fight back, it made me think its the both of us damaging this even more.
But then I can't sit there crying letting him hurl stuff at me. Later, him realising it was wrong and telling me he was sorry to just do it again 2 days later!
So now, it happened again. He grabbed me infront of the kids, through me into bedroom and told me to sort things out with him. that i needed to come to a conclusion and not let this linger. This is his usual line. I told him he needed to learn to be calmer and more patient with the kids because he wouldn't want them to feel like i do (i said this earlier in the day, non threatening way, reminding him im not perfect and need to learn to) After the drama i told the kids it wasnt acceptable and im going to help fix things and let dad work on his behaviour, and they will never be hurt etc.
Honeslty i feel disgusted every time i think of how hes treated me i feel broken up inside. I dont know if im supposed to keep working on this, or leave with nothing and hope and pray not all men in my future will be like this. we havent had sex in about 6months too.
The thing is, when he isn't angry or aggressive, intimidating me or trying to control the moment, he's nice. He can be very kind, practically helpful with kids, we used to have stimulating conversations and passionate connections, physical and mental, all the time. He lacked on emotional support, but we were "working on it".
Since he first grabbed me, ive seen him differently and Im not crazy about him anymore !! I tell him we need to do better and he needs to sort it asap and for a few days or week its pleasant again til something else trips and theres Mr FkinPig.
I've worked on the relationship for us, for me, for the kids, tried to ask for less, accept certain things, but then there is his misogynistic behaviours towards me when hes angry and hes a totaly different horrible person. And that is who ive seen and felt the most past few years. His job is great, his family relations have been the same as long as ive known them, he has 2 mates he sees and talks to weekly. Finances have been mostly fine. There isn't anything in particular that i could use as a reason to justify how he's been. Not that its justifiable.
Im totally lost as to what im supposed to do. I feel this is wrong on so many levels. I dont feel loved, as he probably doesn't right now. I feel like theres no point trying for the kids either, i mean. if they happen to witness then game over its not on.
Its our history together. Our kids. How i have nothing. How hes told him i will have nothing and no finances because neither of us have savings. And how loved he used to make me feel. How being in his arms would melt away the world. How we could stimulate each other not needing anything or anyone else.
I'm so confused!!!
I've told my mother, who says i should try again. How i should hold my tongue. How all men are like that. And my 2 best friends say the same. to give it another chance, another year. Where i focus on myself, save my own money and take care of kids and then leave. 1 of my sister in law i have also confided in tells me to take it slow and keep communicating (the rest of his family are awful, selfish people) Also, most relationships are like this apparently??! Just nobody talks about it. I find this deeply depressing.
I feel like i need outside perspective.
Thank you if you managed to get through my rambling. I appreciate any feedback.