In a tail spin. May actually eat myself to death.

[RhubarbaraWindsor]

I don't really know how to explain this, so please bear with me. I'm LC with my mother (father died when I was 4). We have never been close and she has never told me she loves me. My upbringing was chaotic. As a teenager I was anorexic and bulimic. My mother never acknowledged or addressed this even though I was extremely underweight and my teachers expressed concern. She once said to me "You never needed a mother". I'm one of 4 and we are all screwed up. Two of the four are completely NC with our mother. Food has always been a big issue for me and I can't remember a time when I haven't sought comfort in food, but I am a healthy weight and my diet is very controlled. I am (was) very disciplined in that regard.

Anyway, over the years I have built a good life for myself, even though I know that under the calm surface I am a mess. I have a good husband of 30+ years standing, a good business and two incredible children who are now adults and with whom I have a very close and loving relationship. I also have several close friends who are like family to me. I gained a first class psychology degree in my 40's and have qualified as a counsellor - this has been invaluable for me in addressing my sad childhood and issues arising from it. I eat well, meditate and practice yoga. I was doing so well until...…

Four weeks ago my mother fell and broke her hip, meaning I am now in almost daily contact with her and my sister, and I am in a downward spiral of overeating and drinking due to the emotional panic this situation has placed me in. My mother lives with my sister, who is a very strange woman with many issues, who I am also LC with. I now find myself thrust into a situation with the two of them where I have to have contact on an almost daily basis and I'm just not coping. My mother has had surgical complications and a bad infection so is unlikely to be discharged for a couple more weeks. My sister doesn't drive so I am a taxi service to the hospital. I just can't handle it. Dealing with the both of them is extremely stressful. The back handed insults and subtle undermining subtext that accompanies every verbal exchange is killing me. My eating is completely out of control - I'm just eating anything in sight at the moment, buying rubbish to eat which I never do normally, and drinking vodka like it's going out of fashion. I just feel out of control and I need it to stop, but I can't stop it! I know it's connected to issues from my childhood that are surfacing. I know I'm self-medicating with food and alcohol. I know all that but I feel so out of control. I would like to step back from both of them and go completely NC but in a weird way I feel sorry for them - they lead such sad lives and seem to spend most of their time judging others.

I've contacted the two siblings who are NC to tell them about our mother's accident and surgery and they are not interested. I broke down to an elderly neighbour the other day. She's the same age as my mother but the polar opposite in character and I love her to bits. I've never discussed my mother with her before but I found myself unloading 50+ years of hurt and wondering why I can't step away. My neighbour said you're a kind and caring person, so no matter who it is you can't stop yourself being concerned. This is probably true.

I don't know what I want from this thread, but if anyone recognises themselves in this situation and has any insight or advice I would really really appreciate it. I've just eaten almost a whole box of granola. I'm not hungry, I'm just opening cupboards and the fridge looking for things to eat. I either have to step away or get a grip, but I can't seem to do either. I've never felt so out of control.

It's actually frightening the power that emotions have over us. I'm usually so cool, calm and collected.

So why do you feel obliged to get involved? It's not good for you! If she needs transport to the hospital every day, so what? Hospitals run an ambulance service (I know because someone I knew who needed dialysis used to get picked up three times a week) or can't they get taxis? I'm not being harsh. Your MN wont allow you to do this. Stop it now!

Neither will your MH!

Please stop OP. Single is right - your mum can get transport to hospital and she's got your sister there with her. Step away and stay stepped. Get support from your DH and DCs or from your GP or a counsellor (you must know plenty!). Use this as a warning to go NC with both of them. Right now. Please.

Please please please listen to your body

Your whole being is begging for peace and screaming at you to stop what you are doing. Be merciful to yourself. Stop driving her and stop contacting your sister etc.

I know you're very strong but I urge you to, this one time, take your hands off the wheel and let things happen without you being there to rescue anyone. You may have been strong enough to withstand this kind of daily assault when you were younger, perhaps... maybe that's why you are keeping up your efforts. But maybe now you're older and have less energy and just can't withstand the pain. that is ok. you are allowed to care for yourself before you care for your abuser xx

Can you think of anything that you might replace the food with? I have similar profile and I find myself filling time with exercise in order to stop eating. I can control it at work but evenings weekends I eat when I’m not hungry. I just had peanut butter on toast because I can’t sleep.

@myindentitymycrisis OPs binge eating seems to be of a much greater severity. It sounds unspeakably horrible. I'm not sure what she could do. I think though go NC with her mother and aunt. This will be hard. But let someone else, social services maybe, handle them. They sure haven't been grateful for all she's done, time to let them go. Go to her husband, children, close friends. Admit her problem. She'll need them to help take care of her until she can get back on an even keel. Remove all food and alcohol from the house. And seek professional medical help, urgently.

You need to step away from their issues. It really is not your problem and it is just causing you harm.

Your sister can get a cab or Uber to take her around.

OP, my advice here would be to take tiny steps in the short term. Forget any long term decisions like going NC or refusing to do the hospital trips for now. Just for tonight just step away from any big issues or decisions.

Take one short term baby step to give you some space. Tell them you cannot do the next hospital run. Just that one. Either don't explain or make up an excuse (have to go shopping/gp appt/hairdresser/whatever). Buy some respite for one day.

Take that day to get some control back. To self care. Go for a long refreshing walk, a swim, a nice coffee, read a trashy magazine, phone a friend and offload, eat good food and lay off the vodka. And think of a longer term strategy after that.

Perhaps you can do 3 times a week for 2 weeks for example, and then reduce again bit by bit. Maybe there is a neighbour who can help them, download uber onto your sisters phone, contact the hospital patient support services....

But don't worry about that today or tomorrow. You need space to regroup, recover and reset. This crazy loss of control needs a handle as a priority. The rest will follow. You can do this.

Just because you are related you don't have to help.

The world isn't going to end if you step away.
Your world will end if you don't.

Going NC is the only way things for you will get better.

Do it now. I am sorry to sound harsh but your mothers health is not going to be great in the coming years and if you continue down the path you are going down and taking on things that there is alternatives for your sister to use things will get worse.

NC sounds extreme but the reaction you are having could continue for years if your mother develops dementia. Your sister will expect you to help and she won't be graceful

Start saying no.

As someone who is NC with my mother I can tell you it is a wonderful feeling never having to deal with her again

Oh Honey.... Big hugs....
I nursed my mother through years of cancer treatment and she was a horrible woman. I understand. (She died just over two years ago and I'm only finding myself again now.)
You might find it psychologically helpful if you pay for taxis - you can be helpful without being involved. For now, at least. Perhaps something dire could come up at work that needs your immediate attention.

I wish I was there to give you a big hug, your toxic mum and sister can’t do this and neither can food. I think you should be very kind to yourself, you have shaken off your sterile upbringing and have a wonderful life, it’s right that you should pity your mum and sis who are still stuck with the negativity.

Either, if you can, try just to do the lifts with a ‘mm, that’s nice’ serenity, or if you can’t then step away, you are a counsellor and your own mental health has been hard won and shouldn’t be jeopardised.

With the eating, it’s not good but it’s just a blip, when you feel better it will be back on track. You are doing amazingly, OP, wouldn’t you be proud of yourself if you were one of your own clients? Big, big hugs, we are proud of you, you are a strong woman.

OP I agree with everything that has already been said, especially the excellent comment about listening to your body that is screaming out that you are in pain.

If you really want to help, just send her Ubers to be picked up and taken back and forth to hospital and go back to the same level of contact you had previously.

You are also a classic case of the “wounded healer” the person who became a counselor to understand their own pain. I’m sure you must know an excellent counselor or be able to find one. You really need to examine all this confusion and anxiety while it is all fresh. Clearly there are serious issues in your family in two sisters are NC and the other one has serious problems, while you are falling apart with extra contact. Have you had any help and counseling for yourself up to this point?

Op, if you can afford it, pay their taxis but no more lifts. Reduce contact right back down again.

You've got to think ahead - your mother's health is only going to get worse with age. You cannot afford to sacrifice your mental health to her. You need to step back again and not do this.

You have some great replies here. My elderly mother fractured her hip last summer and I completely understand all the emotions you’re experiencing. Have a look on the Elderly parents thread and post this on there too. You will get lots of support and copying strategies too

Thank you all for your advice and support. I've had tears streaming down my face reading your comments. I'm feeling much more composed this morning, and determined to regain control.

*IdaBWells I am the classic 'wounded healer', trying to heal my inner child by helping others and gaining strength from their validation of me as a good and worthwhile person. I went through the counselling process myself during my training (which is mandatory), and I have written essays about my childhood and my mother's emotional neglect, so I understand the root of my turmoil, but for some reason seem powerless to control it in the present circumstances.

I'm generally a positive, happy and upbeat person. My friends think I'm a strong woman and come to me for advice and emotional support. With my mother and sister I have practiced the "hmm that's nice" serenity @Mediumred for years very successfully. I need to steel myself again and reimpose that shield.

There must be another new element present here for me to have crumbled as I have - perhaps seeing her ill and vulnerable and me trying to help her but still being subtly rejected. I usually have my emotional guard up when dealing with either of them, but circumstances mean I can't be detached in the way I need to be. When I arrived at the hospital a week or so ago, she was slumped in a chair staring at the floor and was momentarily confused when she saw me, and my heart went out to her as it would to any frail, elderly person.

On a conscious level I am reconciled to my relationship with my mother but as an emotionally neglected child, I suppose I will always subconsciously crave her approval. I think I'll speak to my old personal tutor from the counselling foundation. There is obviously still work to do there.

On a practical basis, it would be difficult to stop giving my sister lifts to the hospital. It's a 45 minute drive, which would cost a fortune in taxis (sister hasn't offered any petrol money, but goes halves on the parking!), but now the hospital stay is dragging on I will have to step back and reduce visits.

Thanks again for your comments. I never normally reach out for help (I'm the strong one!), but I'm so glad I did. I feel much calmer this morning - I think last night's outburst was a pressure cooker moment after the past few weeks. I understand why two of my siblings are NC with our mother, but I'm not sure I can take that step. I do care about her even though I am wary of her. It's a very twisted dynamic. I'm seeing a friend today and her toddler so that will be a good distraction. I am strong and I can rise above this. And now I'm being melodramatic! xx

As a counsellor, you know even you’re allowed to have these moments, right? Totally normal, and a sign that you might actually be a completely healthy, functioning human!

These people are damaging to your overall state of mind. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and your mother and sister are no different.

I think you still wanting your mother's approval on some level is perhaps stopping you from going no contact altogether. I also think you are right in surmising you still have work to do here (talking to your old personal tutor could help you no end). Have a read also about FOG; fear, obligation and guilt. These are but three of many damaging legacies such toxic people leave their now adult offspring.

Consider too your own boundaries here and how these could be raised further. Your sister going halves on the parking; well big deal frankly. Its certainly not her being at all generous here, its almost expected that you will take her to the hospital. She will take your kindness here and spit all over it, such people like she and your mother see kindness as a weakness to be exploited.

You may also want to read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages too.

I didn't want to read and run. My goodness what a difficult situation. You've been given some excellent advice on here, i really hope you can look after yourself and keep on making positive improvements like it sounds like you have so far. I'm in awe of your ability to get through such a difficult upbringing. Best of luck, sending hugs!

You also don’t have to take the role of “the strong one”. It may have understandably helped you to feel like you were strong and the one who was functional in a dysfunctional family. By continuing this though you are denying your own pain, you don’t have to be a savior, you’re allowed to be just as affected as everyone else in your family by your mother’s serious issues and inability to parent.

Allow yourself a new self-definition. Being brave and being the competent one has helped you up to now. Maybe it’s time to let that go and give yourself more time and attention to heal.

Can’t add much to the great advice already offered, but sending virtual hugs. I’d consider some personal therapy as a way of caring for yourself (particularly if you are also caring for clients at what sounds like a really tough time).