It is so rare to find real love isn’t it?

[PenelopeChipShop]

I just feel so down right now. I’ve been separated from DH for almost 2 years, were about to begin mediation. Things are relatively amicable but I do have unresolved feelings about the fact that he’s now living with one of the women I suspected him of having an affair with while we were together (while I was pregnant with our second dc).

I spent the first 8-10 months just surviving. Dd was still only 1, I was trying to work, keep kids stable etc. Over the last 8 months or so I’ve dipped my toe into OLD. I have met:

One total weirdo who said ‘I want to hear you scream’ on our first date and then texted me pics of shoes he wanted to buy me

Countless online ghosters

One handsome, charming, charismatic commitmentphobe who I have dated and hooked up with a couple of times but I think we both just see each other as a convenient hook up partner, nothing more

One guy who i’ve been chatting with for six months, dating casually for about two months. I ended it with him last night and he responded with a whole night of agonised text messages, then tonight sent me a cheery selfie with his dog and attempted to just start WhatsApp chatting as if nothing had ever happened.

What is wrong with all men? Am I a homing beacon for the broken ones? Will I ever again feel about anyone the way I once did about my husband?? OLD has to be the way forward (i’m not going to meet anyone on the school run or at work) but my goodness is it hard work

I can relate.
Look into 'attachment styles' x

It doesn't sound boring! Life's a journey, not a destination.

Yep I feel your pain..
OP out of interest why did you end it with the most recent guy?

My first OLD i didnt want to see again other than as a friend; he said i’d end up alone and childless. 2nd one was due to meet one saturday then rang me on thurs continually couldnt get hold of me saying where was I? (i was helping friend packing for house move) so red flag there; 3rd i had high hopes for but he just wanted sex nothing more; but the 4th one i met, was cute and interesting, great green eyes, got on well felt comfortable from the off and years later we are still together and have a DS. So OLD does work. Keep the faith though i do think lots of men are weird frankly. You will meet someone. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.....

Penelope I could have written your first paragraph except been one year. I can’t believe someone else has been through this same thing.
Sorry if a bit off the point of your thread.

I'm sure that men encounter some strange women on dates too. But on the whole, this way of meeting doesn't feel natural. It's forced, as if we're all auditioning and not sure we even want to be in the play.

The problem with OLD is the expectation you'll fancy or get along with someone immediately. Often the person who you thought not your type but was nervous or whatever could be the right person. But you don't want to waste your time so on you go. Dh and I met young and first I thought he was a twat then years later we met again and became friends and eventually fell in love. If my first impression had been the only one I had I would have never seen him again! And it would have been my loss as we're an amazing couple. Not that it helps but I understand why OLD is tough sometimes.

I was on tinder off and on for nine months before I met my boyfriend. I spoke to so many weirdos/unpleasant men. I spoke to a man on there from Widnes, who couldn’t even spell Widnes. The worst was a scientist who looked gorgeous in his pictures - and was gorgeous in person - except he only reached my armpits and over our first round told me how he’d just been done for harassing his ex! Apparently it was all a big misunderstanding. I actually cried when I got home from that one. I cried after a few of them, to be honest. I couldn’t ever envisage meeting anyone I’d want to see a second time, let alone fall in love with. Three years ago this week I met my boyfriend. He is the best man I’ve ever met. At least once a day, I think how lucky I am to have met him. So keep going. Yes you have to sift through loads of frogs. But there are normal, nice ones out there.

Kid in sweet shop for men. The quality of the women on these sites is much higher than the men in my experience.

I have been separated 4.5 years. Divorced 3. You've made me think about mine and I've done OLD and RL.

OLD:
N - ONS. Didn't feel it. Odd. Musician.
P - Dated 6/7 weeks. Insane. Lived with DP's. Musician.
S - 4/5 dates. Rich. Commitment Issues. Still get drunk texts.
J - 1 date. Nothing happened. pretty sure he was gay.
D - FWB for a few months. He was newly separated. Friends now. I think I probably loved him but never worked out as with other people. Still that spark but he has a GF.
W - 2 dates. Sex awful. Now friends. Very sweet. Think he's in love with me but not reciprocated
M - 2.5 year on/off relationship. Addict. I was an idiot.
A - 9 years younger. So far, so good. Seen him 5/6 times. I'm wary.

RL;

J - Totally fell head over heels for him. Younger. Casual for a year plus. Limerance. Nightmare.
S - A couple of ONS but no attraction to him. Has become a very good friend now.
D-ONS. Lovely. Just not for me.

I think it is a bit hopeless isn't it OP? I don't think it is anything to do with RL being better than OLD. I think, when you get older others seem weirder as you have got used to one person and leaving a marriage changes you. I also look like a slut but I don't care. My late thirties have opened my eyes and I have learnt more in this 5 years than the 35 before that.

This was me a couple of years ago. I was having disappointing date after disappointing date with guys I met on OLD. Some seemed lovely to begin with but there would always end up being something very off putting about them the more I delved.
I was ready to throw the towel in and the my DP went me a message on one of the sites and I’ve never looked back.
OLD is a total minefield and can be really depressing at times. Persevere if you can bear it as someone lovely could be round the corner.

The thing is you meet lots of people in real life but only click with a few for all sorts of reasons. It's going to be the same online. I did OLD for a few months, met some nice guys but knew that none were for me. Had a ONS with someone at a party. Then met the guy I'm with 5 months ago. Still early days but I adore him. If it doesn't work out, I'll go back on OLD but for the moment I am super happy.

I think you need to think of it as a fun experiment, rather than necessarily meeting someone amazing. Certainly gives entertainment and stuff to talk about and also the frisson of anticipation that the next one ‘may’ be for you.

I think a lot of us actually had the ‘real love’ and it didn’t always end well, so best to not force that idea and preferably seek fun company

There's no such thing, there's lust then there's adult love where you work on things and compromise.

I met my first serious BF through OLD, we were "youngish" we both wanted something serious but I think he had commitment issues. I also met my exH that way, we were married for more than 7 years, but to fair that marriage should never have happened. I met my DP who is the love of my life locally. I didn't really meet any weirdos on-line, in fact I do think it works BUT I think you'll meet true love eventually you just never know when or how.